Help. My therapist won’t let me go.

I personally disagree with the theory behind this approach (Freudian, what a surprise!), and having met two such practitioners I found them both to be very manipulative people (didnt meet them professionally, and not connected to each other, pure coincidence).

So perhaps it really is him and not you!

I had therapy for CBT and felt uncomfortable with the guy. He was into body building and wore tight T-shirts and it just made me feel like I was back at school being pathetic in front of the cool kids.

I kept going a few weeks and in the time we talked about my aversion to germs, dirt etc. It’s been 10+ years and I often get thoughts about how he put his hands inside the waste paper bin the room and wiped them all over his face. It still makes me feel sick.

That therapy did more damage than good, and it’s been lasting. Please request someone else if you don’t feel it’s a good match for you.

I disagree with most here. The most important part about counselling is the therapeutic relationship and if you do not fit then I don't think it will work. You have a gut instinct for a reason.

I once had CBT with a guy who would laugh at me (when I was describing intrusive thoughts). I found him patronising and told him so, and I asked for a different therapist.

Lots of great advice but, lots of posters seem to ignore that OP has this therapy through the NHS. I am absolutely not saying that because it is triaged and then prescribed it it the right thing for OP. However, assuming, like for many people paying privately is not an option then just walking away means she has basically self-discharged from a service with a very long waiting list. Just stopping going will mean OP is discharged, that she will be contacted and offered an alternative. I have not worked for the NHS for over 20 years now (jumped out from the frying pan to work in Child Protection) but even in the 1990s, mental health services were chronically underfunded and ignored.

This is wonderful and made me tear up. I feel exactly the same. After 3 years I understood why the therapeutic relationship is so important. Its been incredibly healing in a way I have no words to describe.

You do not have to bond with a therapist for therapy to work, quite the opposite for many clients. Some people often have a desire for their therapist to like them and get confused between a therapist accepting them and a therapist being a friend to them and when not getting any signs that they can find this frustrating, hurtful and often get angry towards their therapist but that is not a bad thing and it can lead to some very positive changes in their relationships.

no one on here can made the decision for you if you really are not wanting to return don’t. Therapy is a rollercoaster it’s always worth reading up on how a particular therapy is practiced before

He has challenged you already yet you still have returned isn’t there something in that ?

I've seen a psychodynamic therapist privately for years. I'm also ironically a mental health nurse! The modality is a bit 'blank slate' because it's all about playing out patterns in your relationships by projecting on to your therapist. The aim is to recognise your unconscious beliefs/thought patterns and how these relate to our past and continue to impact us in the present.

This kind of therapy is challenging and uncomfortable at times. I have an excellent relationship with my therapist, but I've known her like 8 years now, and we've definitely had a lot of ruptured and repairs (due to my own transferance). I've felt all kinds of feelings towards her: anger, love, a longing to be mothered, indifference. It's been hard, but it's the best therapy I've ever had. My therapist also holds absolute unconditional compassion towards whatever crap I tell her, and that's been more healing than I can say. It will make you truly do a deep dive into why you are the way you are. It might be that that feels unsettling right now, so really do some soul searching and ask yourself if deep down you're actually feeling frightened and question whether you have some defenses up. He may genuinely not be a good fit for you, but I'm not sure you could know after 3 sessions.

And in all honesty I'd tell him how you feel. If he's a good therapist, he will openly have that chat, as that's what this kind of therapy is all about. I've told my therapist before when I've felt mad at her, or if something isn't working, or I can't read her, and we've talked it though. If you think he looks confused, ask him. If you say you don't feel you're a good fit, tell him. You will definitely be met with a lot of 'it's interesting that you're seeing my face as blank right now, I wonder why you might think that', but that's okay.

It's a very open ended and client led therapy. It ultimately might not be for you, but my advice would be to stick with it for now. I know it feels weird to tell a professional you think they look blank or confused or whatever, but I promise you that in this form of therapy it's very welcome.

I've had psychodynamic psychotherapy and it was exactly like this.

After 3 years I couldn't have told you the first thing about my therapist except her name.

The technique was as you describe - she would ask me about something I said, make some comments, we would disagree, then talk about why I was disagreeing... it was really hard work as it challenged everything about my relationships and interactions with other people. If I thought something she said was weird or upsetting, I'd bring it up in the next session and get 'interesting, can you explain why you thought that?'

As you say, it was bloody hard work.

Mine was also NHS so no concept of whether the therapist was a good fit, I was just grateful to be having it. Ultimately it was one of the best things I've ever done and I'm eternally grateful for having it.

Try a different therapist!

you are a grown up and you get to decide if you click with someone or don’t.

however; therapy requires trust with your therapist so if you can’t build a relationship with them (cause you feel you haven’t clicked) there won’t be trust and makes the whole thing much harder. Try another provider

Have you told him the specific things he does that make things feel strange for you ? The strange looks? That it feels strange for you? If he is any good he will ask you more about that and it will get it in the open and should help you both move beyond it. I have been a therapist in the past and it is really common to see the client struggle with what is going on in the early sessions. Often it feels very uncomfortable and weird to for the first time be in relation with another adult that doesn't act like a parent, friend, partner, teacher. This in itself can be unsettling. Being really honest with him (not polite, be direct!) will help.

Honestly, just stop going.

Psychodynamic therapists can be very tricky in my experience. It's not a therapy I would ever use, and I'm a therapist myself.

Find a different modality.

I've been seeing a solution focused hypnotherapist (privately) on and off as needed for three and a half years. His personality and approach suit me very well and I gain a lot from our sessions. If I hadn't been happy with him, I'd have looked elsewhere.

But of course, it isn't so easy with the NHS where you have less choice.
Good luck OP.

I wouldn’t recommend that type of therapy for intrusive thoughts, not sure how that would help. As mentioned above try CBT (either traditional or third wave eg ACT). If you find it hard to tell in therapy - put in email and give more than a couple of days notice as is polite - you don’t need to go into much detail just you haven’t found it helpful.

I never found that type of therapy helpful myself - I finally ditched my therapist when their response to me not experiencing much change, was to up from once a week to theee times a week 🤯

Sorry, I was being facetious. I meant never to be seen again sounds like a drastic outcome for giving up on therapy.

It’s unfortunately true.

I was seeing a counsellor for my depression many years ago. The counsellor at uni was amazing, we got on really well and i was actually starting to feel a bit better when uni finished and i went home. I got a new counsellor through my GP and she was awful, said it was a 6 week course (surely with mental health it takes as long as it takes) pretty much blamed a different person every week (my Mum, my boyfriend etc.) I filed a formal complaint and refused anymore sessions. Turned out I wasn't the first complaint they had had about her.

If its not working for you and you don't want to see them anymore do not keep going back. If you don't feel like you can leave, file a complaint.

This is bullshit. In 25 years I have never heard a colleague say this.

OP, Dit is a specific approach which is based over a significantly longer term than you would get for other types of therapy. So its early day.

However, not all therapists are good. And of the good ones, not all will be a good match for you. Any ethical therapist should be able to discuss how you are feeling about your therapy with you. If you can't do this, call the service and ask to speak to a duty manager. We would reassign people regularly because the style or modality did not suit them. Not all services are as understanding (one of the reasons we were taken over). But it worth a try.

Or, if you really want to go to the group, go with the flow until you can. Him stopping you and asking what you mean is pretty standard, by the way.

That sounds quite alarming!

That actually sounds like you are a good fit.

Unfortunately you can’t or you won’t be seen again

1. Accredited therapists have to work on the principle that your personal autonomy is paramount. You have to choose to be there of your own free will.
2. If this is on the NHS, there's a slight conflict of interest with the first point because your therapist may be aware that he is your only option. It might still be worth directly asking him "Is it possible to ask to be transferred to a different therapist because I don't feel that this is the right connection for me?" If he doesn't directly answer that question, I would remind him that he is bound to honour your strong autonomy. I might even ask who he's accredited by and mention that you're aware you have a right to know the name of his supervisor. (Quite what you would do with that I don't know but it would make him sit up if he's being overbearing).
3. Not every therapist is good for every client. Sixteen sessions is a very short time for this kind of therapy. You're unlikely to accomplish huge amounts anyway.
4. As per the first point, you have the right to decide the goals and content of the sessions. He can make observations and respectfully challenge you but you should be able to lead the way. So think about what you actually want to talk about and be firm when telling him.
5. If you feel unsafe, ask to speak to his supervisor. I don't like the phrase "giving up on yourself" when you've said you don't want to work with him specifically. He may be fine or he may be a dick. Be prepared for either
6. I would bring this confused look of his into the content of the session. He is supposed to be creating an supportive, accepting and empathetic environment in which he relates to you with honesty. It shouldn't be a problem to point this out and tell him that his look of confusion makes you feel that he is struggling to enter your frame of reference and you would like to discuss whether he is in fact confused.
7. Psychodynamic therapy does feel weird because there isn't much feedback or structure. I am not surprised you're struggling with it. It takes a long time to see results.
8. He's allowed to check his understanding with you but it sounds like he is challenging you without ever having conveyed empathy or understanding to you first. The therapeutic approach isn't clear to me, especially if you feel he hasn't correctly understood you. He shouldn't be coming to you with assumptions. He should be listening to understand and listening with openness. You should feel able to tell him if that doesn't seem to be happening.
9. If you put him over all these points and he tried to say that you have a problem with hostility or are unreceptive to his help, he's probably a dick.