AIBU to think equal inheritance for each child causes the least friction?

I read the thread that inspired this one I think and understand where OPs mum is coming from.

My parents are wealthy and have already given us kids a great start. My sister has had 3 sets of step children in her life and has tried to insist we treat them the same as her biological kids each time, yet now only sees her current step children.

As my sister and I are now well off in our own right, my parents are leaving their huge estate to their biological grandchildren. I think they’re doing the right thing. My sister isn’t happy and thinks her step children should be included as apparently these ones are here to stay. 😅 My parents got attached to her first step children and were really sad when they no longer saw them, so although they have been nice to other SC, they will never get invested again and don’t want their money to go to them.

Their money, their choice. I find it incredibly rude and entitled when people try say what other people should do with their money. If anyone, including my children tried to tell me, they would be told to keep out.

I've never heard of leaving different amounts of inheritance depending on how many children you happen to have. I've got no children, my brother has two. I assume we'll just get half each.

Oh God wills. I’m
not nor never have been money driven but it has been incredible to see the collapse of a close extended family over a meagre amount from a distant family member in a will.

Admittedly one person has, under stress, shown himself up to be a raging narcissist and they are essentially a time bomb waiting to blow, but then usual happens when petty life long squabbles, emotions and family loyalties kicks in.

I don’t even think it is particularly about money, definitely for the narcissist it has been about control but it is eye opening to see it all play out. If there are problems already in a family I can see a will often finishing them off.

I feel it has to be equal between your children; as we have 6 between us and aren't wealthy they'll get about a tenner each so I'm guessing there won't be too many arguments 😅

I would def split equally although DC are only early 20s. DS more likely to have children as DD is gay, but you never know. DD may have different financial needs by then anyway. I can see that some of my friends will have sibling issues when their DPs pass though.

DH’s dm and aunts all fell out due to inheritance issues - one of them tried to make their dad change his will though - this was before I came on the scene but it meant the first cousins (7 of them) were estranged as well. Dh took the initiative about 15 years ago to reunite the cousins and it worked 🙏 even the ones from the dodgy aunt (but he doesn’t see her, his DM and other aunt aren’t alive now).

He said when they were kids they had big family gatherings but that all stopped in around 1990 when it kicked off.

My parents left 30% to me 30% to my sister and 40% split between 3 grandchildren. (All my kids) my sister was angry as she saw it as ‘my family’ got 70% and she got penalised for not having children. She also got resentful that at Christmas our parents spent £30on each of us so again my family got £150 and she got £30. She resented that she spent more on us than we did on her at birthdays/ Christmas so I told her not to get me and my husband gifts. (Money wasn’t the issue she could afford it. It was the principle)
To save my kids the grief I intend to leave inheritance split 3 ways and if they have kids they can give to them as they wish.

My mother suggested 2/5 to me and my younger brother, we both have 2 children and 1/5 to our older brother who has 1 child. Both me and my younger brother both told her that she either leaves 1/5 each to her GC or 1/3 each to us and that 2/5 to us would be unfair. Personally I agree that an equal split is fair but we’re all in a relatively similar place financially. If one of us were struggling or extremely wealthy would I feel differently? I don’t know.

Depends on the family. DH helped out with his parents far less than his siblings. They all lived locally, we are hours away. His parents helped two siblings far more financially, they needed it at the time. The will was a straight split between them all.

We’ve split ours equally, with a small amount to each grandchild. It’s not a secret, one of our DC already has it for safekeeping.

I think there can be exceptions but they need to be handled carefully and honestly.

A good friend of mine is nearing the end of her life and has three adult DC, one GC. The GC already has provision from a trust related to his grandfathers death.

Two of the siblings are extremely successful and wealthy. The third has had MH issues in the past which are resolved with medication, and they finally settled into buying their own house and having a job they enjoy on just above NMW.

My friend has explained to all three that her estate will be left (aside from photos and personal effects) to the less successful child so she can pay off her mortgage. This still won’t leave her as well off as her siblings but my friend feels it’s the right decision for her family.

She has discussed it and everyone is in agreement and happy with her decision. I think in the midst of grief, finding out something like this would be interpreted less well and could cause pain.

I am in two minds. As it stands it would be split equally between my 3 DC but in time if there was a significant change of circumstances I might adjust it, if someone became disabled or had extra needs. Also if one of the DC lost out financially due to caring for either of us I would adjust too. I saw my MIL care for her mum for years and finally the sibling who lived overseas walked off with half of the inheritance. I felt that was unfair.

Do you think it matters how well off the family are?

My dad has already told us it will be split between grandchildren, and as there are stephildren in there I don’t know the exact details. But I’m happy with this - what ever way he does the split. But then I don’t need the money and my children don’t either. It won’t be a life changing amount for them. So it is a lot easier to not be as upset. I also don’t see it as a reflection of my dad’s feelings.

My children and still young adults and have had /will have support through uni so will have no debt and help with first property.

Current will is matching with my husband, so a chunk to both of our kids and the bulk to spouse. Then on the 2nd death the estate split and the children get up to the tax limit with the remainder going to various charities. Don’t know how this will change with grandkids as not there yet.

My parents split everything equally 50/50 between me and my sibling. I have two children and they have none but I felt it was totally fair and was happy with it.

The best thing to do is to leave equally between DC. People may not be single or childless by choice so to have their inheritance reduced to benefit their nieces and nephews is a further kick in the teeth.

And best to keep your will private and not discuss it at all!

I think people should do whatever suits them with their money.

My dad left his money to his children and his real grandchildren. My sister had 2 marriages where she has insisted her SC should be treated the same as they were apparently the same as her bio children. She is twice divorced and no longer sees any of them and neither do we. They really weren’t the same as her bio children, who still live with her and we still see.

My sister was really annoyed with my dad when she had SC, but she gets it now and is glad only her real children benefitted from his will. My other sister has SC but has never had an issue with my dads decision.

Me and my DBrother have had this debate (our parents are still with us), my DBrother has no children and is likely to never have any whereas I have one child. He said he would be happy for both of our parents to leave their houses to me and my DD, which I think is wrong! Our parents should leave to me and him and then I decide what I give to my DD or put it in a savings account for her future. Luckily my parents both agree with me, my DBrother may be settled now but things can change in the future and he may need that money.

I think YABU, some siblings will think they have more right or need than the other.

My parents are firmly in the divide it equally camp but I'm sure dsis will expect to get more.

She became a single parent and moved back home, this has ultimately meant she's around to help them more and so she'd argue she should be rewarded. However, parents provided endless childcare - every school run, every Friday and Saturday night, every single day of school holidays. They bought her a house and a car and now a car for my niece. Niece also gets an allowance because she's unemployed. We had £1k towards our wedding, that's it in 30 years.

Then there's another issue. My parents are not rich, I'd guess there's £350k in property and a bit of cash and jewelry. That could easily get used up in care fees. So possibly there will only be an inheritance due to dsis caring for them rather than them going into care. So maybe it is right she gets more?

Who knows.

My dm has specified an amount that will go to each grandchild then the remainder will be split equally between me and my siblings, which I do think is fair as we have different numbers of children (and I have the least so it would work in my favour)

My elderly parents agonised over their will. Months and months of shall we do this, shall we do that ( they are both still alive). They have ended up with a very complicated arrangement and with me as their executor ( which I'm not happy about and will instruct a solicitor when they die). What they didn't consider or didn't really pursue was what emotions their decisions would stir up in people after they die. In my experience a death is so stressful that people can sometimes behave out if character and things can get a bit heated. I think simple straightforward arrangements are the best way to go. But if course people can leave their money to however they want.
Edited to say my parents are not super wealthy. And their long decision making was because they wanted to "do the right thing"

I think we shouldn’t have any say in a potential inheritance, you’re lucky to get anything imo and all this expecting is just so grabby

We have three between us. As my Ds25 has a dad and dsd23 has a mum to inherit from and ds17 (who's our shared child) only has us we've split our inheritance 50:50 to our kids ie my ds25 will get 50% and ds17 will get 50% of my half of our savings/ house etc. Dsd23 nd ds17 will get 50:50 of husbands.
It will work that ds17 gets 50% of everything and ds25 and dsd23 get 25% each but like I said they also have other parents to inherent from.

We had a moment a while back as dsd23 actually said, " when dad dies where will you live?" (She was actually serious)
When asked to clarify she said " well as ill I herit his house, or half at least, where will you go?"
We had to explain that actually half the house was mine and she'd inherit 0 until both of us passed. And that actually I own half the house, we pay equally into it!

Shea bit annoyed that she's not getting extra too as she has two children, but why should her brothers get less because of her choices?

My PIL have split their wills between DH and his sibling equally, nothing to DGC as they see it as their parents choice to share or they will inherit from their own DP.

DHs parents are likely to leave more to his brother who has a child who will need lifetime care.

Totally agree @UppityUpUpDoon I have quite a few siblings with differing numbers of DC. Our parents have split their estate absolutely equally between us.

One of my siblings married someone whose father made aquiline; another sibling has a spouse who spends money like water but hardly earns; I’ve worked hard but as a single person don’t have the assets of my married siblings. We’ve all received the same division of our father’s estate, in spite of our different circumstances. If my siblings want to use it to set up their DC, that’s up to them.

My friend’s mum left almost everything to the childless son (him) who had cared for her for the last 20 years of her life, hands on care. His siblings with kids were seething despite all being very well off. But he’d have been left homeless if she hadn’t. They were dicks about it. It wouldn’t have been much divided between them but meant everything to him.

mu mum divided her estate equally between us …ignoring how many kids we had or didn’t have, or the guidance of my sister who has more kids and ignoring the fact that one brother is very well off, far more than the rest of us.

Depends so much on the family- my siblings do not have dc and are too old now to have them, my parents will is house split between siblings and me 3 ways, all other money split between myself, siblings and my adult dc equally. My siblings know this and my brother had suggested it. My dc are the primary beneficiaries of both my siblings wills too (and one was my dcs named just in case guardian when dc were children) we are fairly close though not in distance.

My parents owned a farm, my younger brother got the bigger share as he'd worked long hours on the farm since 16, as did his wife from age 25 and my nephew joined the farm after finishing school. To leave 50:50, then my brother would have needed to sell farm as my older brother and myself would have had a third share. It'd be nice to have had the money from selling farm, but understood my dad inherited farm at expense of his siblings, as did my grandad, and they wanted to keep farm in the family. I didn't dispute will.