Ds accused of a hate crime

Helpful comment...

So you believe the other boy and the DM over your DS ? Have you not heard about Henry Novak ?

This - is it the truth or has the other boy made up a story ? Get your DS version and don't let him go to the police station without a solicitor, he doesn't want a criminal record at his age.

If the police do come round, make sure your son doesn't get interviewed without a solicitor.

There was clearly some altercation between them but it really isn't clear who said what from your account so far.

The other mom doesn't really have a reason to lie to you about what she's heard but that doesn't mean her son was 100% truthful/accurate to her (you aren't 100% convinced by ds2 account so why would you be 100% certain about the other boys). You need to speak to your son again calmly and try to get to the truth. I'm assuming you normally have some idea if he's lying to you?

Your son will need some punishment for his part in this from you because from everyone's account there is some wrong doing but you don't want him getting a criminal record unless he's definitely committed the crime.

Forgive me for being jaded I know people like to say all this when it’s someone else’s kid but when their own son actually physically assaults his girlfriend or another kid they hire the best lawyer in town.

At the end of the day he said some things to someone who dumped his brother and poured a drink (let’s be honest I say this as the kid who was always good to the point it was pathetic but when we were kids we all knew loads of kids that did far far worse than that) allowing your child to get a black mark against their name over something that cannot be proved if you just deny it would be pretty bad.

And I don’t think the majority of people encouraging it on here would do the same with their own kid.

The parents calling the police over “homophobic slurs” is ridiculous considering they are forcing their son to date women.

I don't think this is good advice. It's very wrong. The OP doesn't like her son's behaviour and wants him to learn from it whilst trying to help other son. Here's my issue you are telling her to get her son to lie(if he did say the awful things.) That's terrible parenting and all that is wrong with parents these days covering up for kids. No wonder us teachers are in despair. Worst advice I have ever seen on MN

I would have said to the mum, I'm not going to comment until I hear my sons version of events. He's never behaved like this before so I need to understand what has gone on. You need to sit down properly and speak to your son. Tell him you need to know the truth. In your op it says the other boy 'wasn't sure' he heard racist comments so it's not a very convincing report. I would always have my child's back initially if he was not known for past behaviour so it seems odd you have jumped to this account being factual. If he has said those things then absolutely he would be punished and be told to apologise. Just for clarification you said your son was there but this boy had a group of friends so a 14 Yr old goes against a group of 17 year olds? Or was he also with a group of boys?

It sounds like you’ve taken this woman’s word as gospel. Take it with a pinch of salt - as other posters have mentioned, ds2 may well have been upset that his elder brother was dumped, as well as trying to get his head around the fact he came out as gay. A confusing cocktail of emotions. No, it’s not right to make homophobic remarks to the other boy, but you didn’t actually see what went on or what else might have been said. Tread carefully if you don’t want to alienate him - try to focus on problem solving and understanding the behaviour rather than coming down like a ton of bricks.

No, there are parts of the Middle East where they throw gay people from buildings. They’re the people I think she’s referring to.
I feel desperately sad that the bf doesn’t feel he can come out to his parents.

Op, did your you get son come home? Did he lash out at the boy in defence of his older brother?

it is unacceptable behaviour hopefully a word with the police/and strong words from you/seeing how upset his brother is might make him regret/apologise.

Hope it gets sorted. Poor kid, if he is Muslim and having to hide who he really is, it’s just so sad to be trappped that way.

This!!!

all I took from it was 14yo “trying” to look out for his brother after the actions of the boy.

not condoning the wording etc but I genuinely feel what the 14yo feels he has done

You txt your son to come home?
do you not have him on life 360/find my phone or some type of tracker. so you could have gone and got him?
if not you must have an idea of were he could be to go and get him? You seem more worried about the consequences that the fact he’s done it.

hes been accused of doing something vile and you 100% need to get him home and deal with this. And not just when he decides to come home go and get him and get him home now

he put family first. he's a good kid.

It sounds like you don’t have any control over your younger son, you were sorting dinner so couldn’t speak properly to him? I think your son being accused of a hate crime should take priority from whatever you’re doing at the time.
14 year olds say awful awful things, and I get that you’re also upset for your elder son, but you should have spoken to your younger ds too when he over heard your other son. But this behaviour needs nipping in the bud and now, before you end up with police at your door every other week or him in a juvie centre.

I'm guessing Op has raised her sons the same way, how many families do we know where one child has been trouble or troubled and the others are fine. It's nature versus nurture, not poor parenting. I'm willing to bet there was a lot of peer pressure involved too

What does being a single parent have to do with it?! I raised 3 boys alone and they are all wonderful law abiding human beings. Honestly. Give your head a wobble. Men sent the be all and end all you know.

I'd want to know exactly what his actions were and how they were provoked, and so, I imagine, would the police. They go to enormous lengths not to charge people down here in the area where I live, so if anything happened, it'd be a community resolution that doesn't show up anywhere. It's been hot, emotions have been running high and kids do daft things.

Oddly, I could see an angry teenager taking it out on another kid by hitting a sore spot, and the second angry teenager hitting back and thank heavens it was with words not deeds.

I could also see a parent wanting to make very sure that her son didn't associate with your older son because it'd be easier to believe that he'd been led astray by 'that' family (which I'm sure you're not)

Do you remember when we were young and thought having babies was so complicated? I wonder why we thought things would get easier? Good luck and best wishes to all of you.

I’m quite shocked that you’re prepared to believe a boy who has treated your DS1 badly and his mother who is ashamed of her son’s homosexuality over your DS2.

i can only assume he has behaved in a homophobic/racist manner previously, hence you not believing him.

You can “remind me” all you like that he shouted homophobic slurs, but you don’t know that either.

we have the say so of a woman who would rather her son be deeply unhappy than admit he is gay.

I explained in another post up thread....the "you've raised" is utterly unnecessary.

By OP's account the parents had already found out their son is gay by the time this happened, so there's every chance they're extremely upset and may even be looking too blame OP's DS/family for "leading him into this"

If the allegations are true then clearly this was utterly unacceptable, and before storming in with consequences I'd suggest making a real effort to find out what actually happened