Page 4 | Inheritance with grandchildren and step grandchildren

DogsInThePaddlingPool · 2026-08-14T11:01:27+00:00

My mum has recently told us she has updated her will. She has decided not to leave anything to me or my siblings but to leave it to our children instead. She has explained that as we are all settled and financially stable, she wants to help the younger ones who it will be harder for. I have 2 children, my brother has 3 children and my sister has 2 children and 2 step children. My mum is leaving equal amounts to her 7 biological grandchildren and then a much smaller amount to my sisters step children. The step children have been in our family since they were 4 and 5 and are now 19 and 20. My sister has had a row with my mum because she feels her step children should get the same as the rest of the grandchildren. My mum isn’t budging. My sister wants me and my brother to tell our mum that she is being unfair. We don’t want to get involved and have said it’s her money and her decision. My sister hasn’t made any contact with any of us for the last month since we said we wouldn’t side with her. Are we being unreasonable? Is my mum being unreasonable?

SpottyPyjama · 14/08/2026 17:10

Your Mum
hss been very generous and your sister is being selfish and entitled.

I think you’re doing the right thing by staying out of it and supporting your mums right to do what she wants with her own money.

Svolvaer · 14/08/2026 17:10

I have two stepchildren (adults now). They would be absolutely stunned if my mum left them anything in her will. It wouldn’t even occur to them that she might.

Jaxhog · 14/08/2026 17:10

Your sister is being unreasonable. Everyone should be glad that they are being left something; as it is entirely up to your Mum who she leaves what to. Does your Sis really want to fall out with your mum over this?

Ordonot · 14/08/2026 17:06

Cosyblankets · 14/08/2026 16:48

I'm not confused in the slightest
I aimed my post at you in response to you saying the mother should have split it three ways.
No. The mother can split it in as many ways as she likes. It's her money.

Show quote history

Ok. I'll try again.

The Op asked for an opinion, I shared mine - it seems you don't agree with my opinion and that OK.

I didn't say to the OP you need to tell your mother to change the will, I said I felt the mother should have split the assets 3 ways.

Now I'm not sure if you are aware but I have no special powers - I can't change the will from my keyboard, I don't know the Op's Mum or anyone else in her family personally so I won't be dictating to anyone.

Now after alI that I still have the same opinion and I'm sorry if you are still struggling with that, you must have come across someone with a different opinion to yours before?

I think it would be good for you to come to terms with knowing everyone doesn't agree with you but I'm not telling you to do this - you are free to follow your own path as is the OP.

Original poster

DogsInThePaddlingPool · 14/08/2026 17:05

InterIgnis · 14/08/2026 16:30

I increasingly suspect that this may have everything to do with appeasing her husband. It’s strange that the stepchildren weren’t really with your sister that often, yet she considers them her own. Additionally, her own children don’t like her husband, don’t seem to consider his children to their siblings, and are also baffled by their mother’s reaction.

Did he think that he and his children were going to benefit from a wealthy in law, and now he’s losing his shit because he’s learned that won’t be happening? Is she trying to pressure your mother not because she truly believes her stepchildren to be equal to her children, but because she’s worried that he’s going to leave her?

Edited

Show quote history

Thank you for this, and to other posters who have mentioned it.

My sister never talks about her relationship so it’s hard to know what really goes on. My brother doesn’t like her husband due to things that have happened in the past. I don’t feel like I know him very well, he is quiet other than when he has had a drink.

If my sister ever speaks to us again, I think I need to try to see if he’s pressuring her. It’s so hard to get her to talk about him though and I think it will be even harder now. He definitely likes money and enjoys a nice lifestyle, but if it was a case of wanting my mums money, I would have thought he’d have got my sister to try to get us to tell my mum to change her will back to leaving it to us instead of his children along with the other GC.

OP posts:

SylvanMoon · 14/08/2026 17:00

@DogsInThePaddlingPool I actually agree with your assessment of the situation and don't think you or your DB are being unreasonable. Nor do I think your DM is either. But I'd cut your DSis some slack here. She's feeling bruised, and perhaps as you've hinted, may even be pushing for this because of pressure from within her marriage. I would just let the A Level gift slights and anything else that you perceive as her cutting you and the others in your family off go for now. If she's still acting like this 3 years down the line, or by the time your DM dies, then I'd say there's a major problem. For now, if it were my sister, I'd just let it work itself into the past as "something that's happened". If you or your DB keep logs of all the things your DSis hasn't done or isn't doing, then it's going to be difficult for her to come back into the fold once she's processed and come to terms with the situation.

geoger · 14/08/2026 16:58

Sounds like your mum is trying to keep her money out of the hands of your sisters husband.
OP we need a bit more info on how your sisters blended family works - my understanding is that they didn’t spend too much time with the step kids and that it’s the husband outing on the pressure to include the step kids in the will.

With this in mind I know think your mum has done the right thing. After all it’s her money to do as she wishes

canklesmctacotits · 14/08/2026 16:57

My parents have done as your mum has done, for the same reason and in the same way (telling everyone beforehand so any arguments can be ironed out). I imagine your mum is quite saddened to see her daughter's/your sister's reaction - or perhaps not, if this is in character. We had no equivalent in our family, all the siblings agreed with our parents' decisions.

My view in my family is exactly the same as yours: nothing to do with me, none of my business, I'm grateful for anything that I or my children might inherit, it's not my money to persuade the owner to do this or that with. Luckily, I wasn't called upon to do so.

I suspect this situation with your sister is almost entirely about her relationship with her husband and/or her step-children, and the family life they've tried to build in their home. Blended families are so, so tricky to get right, and the more people there are in them, the more opinions a person will need to consider. She's going to be feeling pushed and pulled in many different ways, and she's taking it out on your (her mother and siblings) because you can't walk away like her husband can and the previous one did.

I'd let her figure it out in her own time. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. Maybe she will and maybe it'll all come up again once the inevitable happens with your mum. There are many practical ways in which she can even out any perceived financial difference between her children and her step-children, but in her mind it'll be messy. She too will make a difference between her children and her step-children when it comes to her own wealth. Ultimately, this won't be about money as you say you're all well off. This is about her trying to foist upon her siblings and parent a relationship with her step-children that she's worked hard to cultivate in herself, and which she thinks you can help with by taking them on as you have her bio children. She's finding out that her family doesn't accept that as their role, and she's not liking it.

Just give her time. There's nothing else you can do, after all. Your positions are reasonable, hers is wholly indefensible (especially the way she's treated your son, now who's differentiating between "family" members?).

Marieb19 · 14/08/2026 16:51

Your mother can leave her money to whoever she wishes and has sensibly told her children that she will be skipping a generation, to ensure they don't feel hurt by her decision. Your sister is behaving like a spoilt brat, by ignoring her nephews and neices because she disagrees with her mum's decision. Your brother is right, your sister is showing you she is. Your mum has had little to do with the step grandchildren but has kindly left something to them. They may also inherit from their 8 biological grandparents, does your sister want to demand those GPs also leave identical inheritance to all of the children?

Cosyblankets · 14/08/2026 16:48

Ordonot · 14/08/2026 16:37

You seem to be confused - the question the OP asked that I chose to answer was is the Mum being unreasonable - my view is yes she is being unreasonable she should have left her will as it was - split between the 3 AC.

The question was not Is it OK to dictate what someone what they do with their money? I am curious as to why you are only directing that question at me?

Show quote history

I'm not confused in the slightest
I aimed my post at you in response to you saying the mother should have split it three ways.
No. The mother can split it in as many ways as she likes. It's her money.

Somethinggg · 14/08/2026 16:40

InterIgnis · 14/08/2026 16:30

I increasingly suspect that this may have everything to do with appeasing her husband. It’s strange that the stepchildren weren’t really with your sister that often, yet she considers them her own. Additionally, her own children don’t like her husband, don’t seem to consider his children to their siblings, and are also baffled by their mother’s reaction.

Did he think that he and his children were going to benefit from a wealthy in law, and now he’s losing his shit because he’s learned that won’t be happening? Is she trying to pressure your mother not because she truly believes her stepchildren to be equal to her children, but because she’s worried that he’s going to leave her?

Edited

Show quote history

Wouldn't surprise me.

Ordonot · 14/08/2026 16:37

Cosyblankets · 14/08/2026 16:18

Would you be OK with someone dictating what you do with your money?

Show quote history

You seem to be confused - the question the OP asked that I chose to answer was is the Mum being unreasonable - my view is yes she is being unreasonable she should have left her will as it was - split between the 3 AC.

The question was not Is it OK to dictate what someone what they do with their money? I am curious as to why you are only directing that question at me?

SaySomethingMan · 14/08/2026 16:35

I agree it sounds like your Dsis is getting pressure from her DH. I don’t see anything wrong with the will your DM has produced tbh.
She could’ve just changed it and not told anyone about it but not sure if that’s better than you all expecting an inheritance and then finding out you’d not received any upon her death.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 14/08/2026 16:35

Tryagain26 · 14/08/2026 14:11

It's up to your mum how she decides to divide her estate . Whether she is being unreasonable or not it's not for your sister or anyone else to tell her what to put in her will.
I can understand how your sister feels and it's good that she sees her step children as her children but if she feels that strongly she can ask her biological children to share their inheritance with their half siblings so they all get the same

That will be unfair on her kids unless she going to insist that her stepchildren's grandparents and their mom also equally share their inheritance equally across her kids and step kids when the time comes? And we all know that's not going to happen.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 14/08/2026 16:31

InterIgnis · 14/08/2026 16:30

I increasingly suspect that this may have everything to do with appeasing her husband. It’s strange that the stepchildren weren’t really with your sister that often, yet she considers them her own. Additionally, her own children don’t like her husband, don’t seem to consider his children to their siblings, and are also baffled by their mother’s reaction.

Did he think that he and his children were going to benefit from a wealthy in law, and now he’s losing his shit because he’s learned that won’t be happening? Is she trying to pressure your mother not because she truly believes her stepchildren to be equal to her children, but because she’s worried that he’s going to leave her?

Edited

Show quote history

Agreed. And DM definitely had the measure of him.

InterIgnis · 14/08/2026 16:30

DogsInThePaddlingPool · 14/08/2026 16:19

I think it’s because I really don’t care what my mother does with her money. I’ve told her I don’t care if she splits it 9 ways but I’m not going to tell her that she has to or else! It’s not my place to do that and I know my mum wouldn’t listen anyway. She ran a successful business, sold it for a shit load of money and is very confident and savvy. She doesn’t need me telling her what she should do. I don’t care and would just like everyone to get on. I don’t really have strong opinions other than everyone should be able to choose what they do with their money.

My sister usually sends a thank you for any gift for the children/step children, even the older ones and then we will have a chat over text or phone. It’s a direct result of this that she hasn’t acknowledged this card and gift. My nephew has sent me a message to say thank you. Her ignoring my nieces A levels is disgusting.

Incidentally, when the step children passed their A levels, my mum gave them money to cover their first year of rent and living expenses at uni, as she has done for all of the grandchildren. My sister seems to forget things like that. She’s so focused on the inheritance being different that she can’t see what my mum has done for all the kids including the steps.

Show quote history

I increasingly suspect that this may have everything to do with appeasing her husband. It’s strange that the stepchildren weren’t really with your sister that often, yet she considers them her own. Additionally, her own children don’t like her husband, don’t seem to consider his children to their siblings, and are also baffled by their mother’s reaction.

Did he think that he and his children were going to benefit from a wealthy in law, and now he’s losing his shit because he’s learned that won’t be happening? Is she trying to pressure your mother not because she truly believes her stepchildren to be equal to her children, but because she’s worried that he’s going to leave her?

29836WW · 14/08/2026 16:30

when the step children passed their A levels, my mum gave them money to cover their first year of rent and living expenses at uni, as she has done for all of the grandchildren.

Wow! Your mum sounds amazing, what a lovely woman to do that

user1471600850 · 14/08/2026 16:30

For gods sake - the Op's mother isn't dying any time soon I would assume so this could be in years to come. A lot of the comments are academic as it hasn't happened yet so no help onto the housing ladder, etc, etc, is happening soon. The money is not the Op's and I don't think her Mother is being unreasonable nor is the Op. The only person unreasonable her is the sister.

Somethinggg · 14/08/2026 16:28

DogsInThePaddlingPool · 14/08/2026 16:19

I think it’s because I really don’t care what my mother does with her money. I’ve told her I don’t care if she splits it 9 ways but I’m not going to tell her that she has to or else! It’s not my place to do that and I know my mum wouldn’t listen anyway. She ran a successful business, sold it for a shit load of money and is very confident and savvy. She doesn’t need me telling her what she should do. I don’t care and would just like everyone to get on. I don’t really have strong opinions other than everyone should be able to choose what they do with their money.

My sister usually sends a thank you for any gift for the children/step children, even the older ones and then we will have a chat over text or phone. It’s a direct result of this that she hasn’t acknowledged this card and gift. My nephew has sent me a message to say thank you. Her ignoring my nieces A levels is disgusting.

Incidentally, when the step children passed their A levels, my mum gave them money to cover their first year of rent and living expenses at uni, as she has done for all of the grandchildren. My sister seems to forget things like that. She’s so focused on the inheritance being different that she can’t see what my mum has done for all the kids including the steps.

Show quote history

This is a good attitude. You're right to want to stay well out of it.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 14/08/2026 16:21

I think that adults who use inheritance to show step children that they aren’t really family are being carelessly (or deliberately) hurtful, especially when the children likely don’t remember a time where they weren’t family.

I think my brother in law would cut his family off if they treated his step daughter (my niece) differently to his other child.

Original poster

DogsInThePaddlingPool · 14/08/2026 16:19

Joliefolie · 14/08/2026 16:02

OP you asked whether you are being unreasonable and whether your mum is being unreasonable. You don't really think either of you are being unreasonable and won't hear otherwise. You hide a bit behind the 'I don't want to get involved', 'it's not up to me', 'my brother says', 'my brother feels'. Maybe you should try being honest with your sister about how you actually feel. It's not just that you don't want to get involved. You actually don't think your mother is being unreasonable. You don't think of her stepchildren as her children, you don't think your mother is unfair and that is why you are not prepared to say you do.

It's a shame your sister didn't send a message to her niece with regard to A levels if this is something she would have done under normal cirumstances. I don't see why your sister should have got in touch with you and your bother over you sending a gift to her 18 yo child though.

Edited

I think it’s because I really don’t care what my mother does with her money. I’ve told her I don’t care if she splits it 9 ways but I’m not going to tell her that she has to or else! It’s not my place to do that and I know my mum wouldn’t listen anyway. She ran a successful business, sold it for a shit load of money and is very confident and savvy. She doesn’t need me telling her what she should do. I don’t care and would just like everyone to get on. I don’t really have strong opinions other than everyone should be able to choose what they do with their money.

My sister usually sends a thank you for any gift for the children/step children, even the older ones and then we will have a chat over text or phone. It’s a direct result of this that she hasn’t acknowledged this card and gift. My nephew has sent me a message to say thank you. Her ignoring my nieces A levels is disgusting.

Incidentally, when the step children passed their A levels, my mum gave them money to cover their first year of rent and living expenses at uni, as she has done for all of the grandchildren. My sister seems to forget things like that. She’s so focused on the inheritance being different that she can’t see what my mum has done for all the kids including the steps.

OP posts:

Cosyblankets · 14/08/2026 16:18

Ordonot · 14/08/2026 15:33

Your mother should have split the money between her 3 kids and let each of them decide what to do with their share, I think it's awful to treat step kids differently to bio kids.

Would you be OK with someone dictating what you do with your money?

HollyhocksandPeons · 14/08/2026 16:17

Northernlassie123 · 14/08/2026 16:16

A stepchild is a rando? How lovely.

Show quote history

Rando to a grandma! Not to the parents, obviously!

Northernlassie123 · 14/08/2026 16:16

HollyhocksandPeons · 14/08/2026 16:11

Your mother is right both because it is her fucking money and she should do whatever she wants with it, and also because she owes nothing to randos. Apologies, if the biological families of those step-children are going to leave a lot of money, and have made it clear, and have made provisions for that, to those grandchildren who are biologically related to your grandmother - in that case, equal amounts for everyone would be fair.

A stepchild is a rando? How lovely.

Northernlassie123 · 14/08/2026 16:14

Why is your sister so insistant? Is it because she views the stepchildren as her own? ( which is to her honour) you say her children aren’t that close to their half siblings yet your sister views them all the same ? Or is there another reason? Your children don’t view the stepkids as cousins but are close to the others ? So obviously they didn’t see much of them growing up.