Inheritance with grandchildren and step grandchildren

"it is appalling your sister still couldn't be bothered to take ten seconds out of her day to send a well done message to her niece commending her on her A-level results" - it will have been more bother for her not to do this, it's not about the level of bother.

Also, it sounds like the kids have all been having discussions about this and are all close and gaming together etc. This is not to "excuse" the sister for not sending a message, but who knows what has been said, interpreted, reported, misinterpreted, misreported etc. to the sister by teenagers... perhaps nothing, but I would be surprised if there were not an accidental level of chinese whispers.

I think they should feel lucky she is leaving them anything. They are no relation so she would be well within her rights to give all of it her bio gc and nothing to them. I have one grandparent left and my Mum told me she is leaving a sum to each of her grandchildren and the rest is split equally between her three daughters, I feel lucky to by getting anything and I'm real granddaughter.

I agree with people who've stated that her husband, who you say loves money, is at least partly behind this. I think he's pissed off your sister isn't inheriting, so wants to both control and have that 'lost' money accessible somehow via his kids. But it is appalling your sister still couldn't be bothered to take ten seconds out of her day to send a well done message to her niece commending her on her A-level results. I hope things smooth over eventually.

My husband and his sister were treated like that by their step mum and her family growing up. She had 2 stepchildren and a son and made her stepchildren “other.” She took the emotion out of it.

All three children including the one she gave birth to are low/no contact with her and her family as adults. They didn’t like being treated noticeably differently and wanted to feel like family, because their biology isn’t their fault. It was adult choices (and the death of a spouse) that created their blended family.

So yes we choose to behave differently and luckily so do our families. We would absolutely go no contact with any relative who treated her differently. And that would be their choice.

And I shared mine
It's kind of the point of a discussion

I find it so odd that your sister has an expectation that her mum would leave a portion of her estate to her stepchildren. They lived with their mum growing up, it’d be more understandable if they had practically been adopted in to the family. That’s not the case here. It’s really entitled, if she wants to she can leave her money proportionately in favour of step children to balance it out

It's not a very practical idea.

Adopting a child means becoming their legal parent and having parental responsibility, and you can't do it unless there's either nobody with PR for that child or the state has removed it from them. Whereas the vast majority of other children have two parents with PR already. I don't think it would be very popular to implement a system where all parents could theoretically have someone else given PR for their child against their will, even when there's been no issues with parenting and no need for the state to get involved.

Named amounts in the will are settled first I believe. So if the will is set up this way e.g. £1000 each to each of the step grand-children and then the remainder of the estate shared equally between 6 Grandchildren, it would be possible for the step grandchildren to get more than the grandchilden if the remaining estate was very small.

If I were your mum I wouldn't give your sister's step kids any inheritance after her behaviour. Not even a token amount.

I haven’t managed to read all the posts and circumstances but I’d say it with regards to step children, it depends whether they are being raised as children or they are one step removed .

i didn’t get any inheritance from step family because I had my own biological family. I loved my step family but I wouldn’t have expected anything in this circumstance.

I think in this instance it sounds perfectly reasonable for your mother to have made their decision. Your sister should compensate the step children if she thinks they have been hard do e by.

in my family my sibling and I have asked my mum to skip us in favour of our children. She is splitting it fairly between us 2 though so each family gets 50:50 so my children get 25% each and my nephew will get the full 50%. I don’t think it’s fair that I should inherit 66% of my parent’s assets rather than than 50% because of the skipping of our generation.

if you mum did this then your sister would distribute however she likes. Her children will just get a smaller share.

@DogsInThePaddlingPool is this the first time you've seen your sister behave like this? If you're honest, you don't think your mum is being unfair, and neither does your brother, are you surprised by your sister's interpretation that this is completely unfair? And secondly, are you surprised by the demand that you negotiate with your mum and "the silent treatment" or is this something she has always been prone to - before she met her DH - if she is pissed off?

Your sister is the only one being unreasonable as it is your Mum's decision. I think though that it is better to pass money to your children not your grandchildren. We are financially secure but it would not be appropriate for me to be by passed by my recently deceased parent in favour of my kids in their twenties. I will and have taken care of them long term. It maybe depends on the amount involved. Some figures will sap work ethic more than others. In your shoes I would be miffed but not for the same reason as your sister. Is it fair the one with 3 kids gets more than one with two? Not really. Her own babies deserve a fair share, they chose how many to add the the world.

Adoption means legally becoming that child’s parents.

Marrying a parent doesn’t establish a legal relationship with their child, or confer any responsibility on a stepparent for that child.

But your DSD IS 'other'!

Take the emotion out of it and look at the facts.

She is not your biological daughter.

She is the biological daughter of your current DH/DP and his former DW/DP.

You may choose to treat her as if she is your biological daughter, but the truth is that she is not. And others may not make that same choice.

I agree. The legatees should not be revealed before the reading, after the funeral. Or certainly not when grandchildren are the persons in question, anyway.
I’d imagine many a grandchild would adopt an unlovely attitude in life if she knew she had £50k coming on grandma’s death.

However, leaping over one’s well-off children and leaving the estate to be shared among one’s grandchildren sounds like a very laudable plan.
I cant grasp the objections in terms of an inequitable shareout though (and leaving aside step-children).
If Son X has three bio kids and Daughter X has 5, say, why would the daughter be regarded as ‘doing better’? Surely the point is that the bequests are to individual grandchildren rather than to their families as a single entity.

As for any step-children of her offspring, the grandmother has no reason to bequeath anything equal to her grandkids’ bequests (unless said step-kids have been in the family since their infancy perhaps, growing up alongside their cousins right from the start)
I think as a general ‘rule’ they ought to be mentioned in the will, perhaps with a token more like a memento, maybe something they have enjoyed at her house (set of Dickens/ Encyclopaedia Britannica and a few 100 quid ?)

But representations for bequeathed ££ being made right now by their step-mother, and for tantrums and sulks to ensue, might well be the reason grandma is set against including these step-kids. Maybe she doubts the marriage, dislikes the children’s father, and suspects the worst of him.
She does sound very wise, after all. She has her reasons anyway and shouldn’t be under any such pressure.
This is a good way to see the whole lot go to Battersea Dogs’ Home (huzzah!)

As soon as I read the first paragraph it was obvious what this was going to be about. No matter what, step children will never be biological children but why is it not the same as adoptees? Marriage is a legal act, so why isn't it that children who are your partners become step, are just as much yours in law?

Yours as a phrase, not as in yours specifically @DogsInThePaddlingPool .

YADNBU
Your DM is being extremely kind including her step-grandkids in the will in the first place. Many wouldn’t at all.

I also agree with you, that it is your DM’s decision.

You say your DS never talks about her DH. That’s quite a big red flag in itself. I suspect it really isn’t a happy marriage.

With regard to step-grandchildren, I think that people do tend to take into account whether or not they will also be inheriting from biological grandparents as well as the relationship they have with them.

I made sure that my step-grandchild got her inheritance from my late husband, but she won't be getting any extra from me. I did always make sure that she had birthday presents, Christmas presents and so on, plus I opened a bank account for her when she was a baby and placed what was then a significant amount of money (for someone on my income) in the account before signing control of it over to her mother.

She'll inherit from my husband's ex and from her father's side of the family. I was never allowed to have a close relationship with her. [Insert the obligatory "I wasn't the OW.] For whatever reason, she was encouraged to treat the ex's three partners as grandparents, but that wasn't allowed in my case. (I think the ex had made it clear that she wouldn't be happy about it.)

Not the grandchild's fault, but she's an adult now and - to be honest - it would have helped had she attended my husband's memorial service in person.

By contrast, my BIL's children were supportive and have made sure that their child at least know who I am, so I'm more inclined to give to them (as well as to my cousins' grandchildren).

I do feel that I'm being mean, but the following has stuck in my mind.

When the ex's affair partner died, he left everything to the ex. Quite understandable, I thought.

The grandchild's parents had a meal out with us shortly afterwards and then came back to ours for a few drinks. After a few drinks, the grandchild's father began to complain to me that no money had been left to the grandchild.

I commented that it was quite normal for the money to be left to a partner alone and that eventually it would trickle down to the grandchild.

The father then said, "Yes, but he should have left something to [the grandchild] because she called him 'Grandad.'"

I remember thinking "Oh. You'll not expect me to leave her anything then."

But it's not 2 children ''not benefitting equally from their parent".

It's "2 siblings not benefitting equally from their STEPparent".

It IS different.

That's fine if your sister thinks of and treats all 4 children as the same, but they are NOT biologically or legally the same.

Everyone in your extended family will have their own relationship with DSis SC, but may not think of the 4 children as DSis does, and that is completely fine and perfectly normal.

I think I would stay out of it. Your mum is leaving them something so therefore acknowledging they are part of the family. It really depends on their circumstances but most parents want things to be generally as fair as possible. For me I think my opinion in this scenario would really depend on whether the step children would inherit from other parents and grandparents.

I think it’s probably the husband too. Why don’t her DC like him, that’s really important especially if they have to share a house with him

No-one is entitled to an inheritance.

Some people are lucky to have relatives who leave them money, some aren't.

You cannot expect to inherit from someone just because your parent married their child after you were born.

That’s true. Possibly, she may have thought that asking for a share for herself would have appeared overtly greedy, whereas she can present the stepchildren issue as a moral position that has a better chance of swaying her siblings. While it may still be disappointing to her husband, it’s at least something to offer as a consolation prize.