AIBU to not provide a free bar at our wedding?

I think we did put some money behind the bar for a tab though IIRC.

YANBU. We provided loads of wine, fizz and food but the bar was paid.

I agree. I'd be really disappointed if I found out that a friend of mine hadn't invited me to their wedding because they couldn't afford to offer me a free bar. I'd rather they just booked a room in a village hall/community centre and asked us all to come along and bring a bottle and a contribution to a buffet.

For me the best thing about a wedding is the excuse to get together with friends, see someone celebrate their love, and have a party. Whatever food and drink is provided comes a very distant second place.

So many brides and grooms nowadays expect nothing less than the following from their guests:

• The clothes off their backs.

• A proportion of their annual leave to attend the stag/hen and all of the associated costs often including travelling abroad and covering the costs of the bride and groom.

• A generous financial gift despite purporting that "your presence is a present".

• An overnight stay in a hotel to attend the wedding which is inevitably in the middle of nowhere with no public transport links.

With all of the expectations, it is incredibly poor manners and tacky to expect people who are paying a small fortune to attend to pay for their own refreshments. Every person I have spoken to from outside of the UK is absolutely flabbergasted by the notion of making guests pay for their own drinks. It is considered incredibly tacky. If people cannot afford to provide alcohol for the guests they have invited, it is not mandatory to have such a huge wedding. I feel that people want these huge weddings for the Instagram pictures, but in order to achieve this, they try to cut corners.

Oh God. I would feel so uncomfortable. It seems very crude. I think just let people gift you money for your honeymoon in a way that is private.

I did say they had no intention of recouping the costs
There had been wine and drinks for toasts .
If it was at a hotel you’d be paying through the nose
for drinks !
A small payment was quite fair I think .
I dont subscribe to the “If you can’t do a free bar don’t have as many guests”
I don’t think I ever went to wedding with a free bar til relatively recently . I think we budgeted for drinks as part of the event as guests .
I’d have been very happy as a youngster to pay a wee but for drinks after enjoying the meal wine and fizz. I’d have thought it was generous .

I’m in Ireland and 2am is standard finishing time here and many move to the venue’s residents’ bar at that point for another couple of hours.
Bars are not normally free as a result.

Reception drinks, plenty of wine with the meal and a drink for toasting during the speeches are standard.

I think for some people weddings are about sharing it with others. I think it's pretty sad to think you'd rather have less people there. Being with others is what it's really about. I'm sure when I think about attending weddings my motivation is seeing people get married rather than a free bar.

Lovely for parents to pay for weddings, but I certainly would not expect a couple who are paying for themselves to do so. And I certainly wouldn't criticise if I'd not even paid for my own.

That is bizarre - shall we also have charity buckets on the door as people come in as well to “recoup the costs”

We paid for our wedding ourselves, and had a free bar.

However, I’m not sure I regard it as rude not to have a free bar.

Midnight - as do most weddings? I’ve been to the occasional one that ends at 11:30, and one I think that ended at 1am but all in all they tend to end at midnight

DD was at a wedding recently
The wedding party had bought the booze and said although they weren’t charging ,donations from guests were welcome.
I thought that was really good idea .
DD said they put in a good amount for the first couple of rounds .
The couple weren’t hoping to recoup everything
but it helped and also probably gave the local teens who are waitering and bar tending a good tip ,
We are hosting a wedding soon and I’m keeping that in mind.

Think it feels quite fair .

You can if you would have had a different sort of wedding otherwise. I was originally looking at the town hall and an evening bbq reception in a local bar. When my parents wanted to put money in, we changed it to a museum with a string quartet. There would have been a free bar either way.

If you cannot afford to host the event, then you host a different event.

Hmm…what time did the event end though?
The bill will be large if the wedding is still going at 2 or 3am. Lots of people can’t afford that.

I’ve never been to a wedding where I’ve had to pay for the “hospitality”. But most of my family weddings have been in our own homes with caterers. If you can’t afford a bar, then you need to put wine etc on the tables and that’s it. Or get a beer keg and a whole lot of wine boxes.

My point is, you can't say it's rude to not pay for a free bar if mummy and daddy pay for yours.

Some people’s parents love them and want to give them things?

I don't think this is true. It would be a bit cringe to put whether it's a free or cash bar on the invitation.

Most people have an amount they give depending on whether they're a day or evening guest, or in the wedding party/close friend.
Usually we give around £100+ if we're day guests. Usually around £300+ if we're in the wedding party/very close friends.

We mostly received the same apart from one bridesmaid who put £30 in a card. I'd paid for hair, make up, her room, transport and gifts for her. So it was a bit of a slap in the face but I don't think she really knows the done thing.

I can't imagine deducting the costs off a gift.i think don't attend if you're that hard up you can't buy yourself a drink. I'm honoured every time I'm invited.

It was a priority for us as we believe in proper hosting. Had we not had had any contribution from my parents we would have had a smaller wedding in a less fancy venue. If you can’t afford to host an event then you should host a different one.

My cousin had a very low key wedding at a church and then a bbq in a pub garden - he cut his cloth and he paid for the drinks.

You don’t expect other people to pick up the bill for your stately home instagram pictures (I have an appalling story about that about a Monday wedding with a cash bar and only sandwiches and chips to eat!)

Just make it clear. Those that have to pay tend to cut back on wedding presents.

Most weddings I've been to there has always been free teas and coffees. Usually a combination of during wedding breakfast or a help yourself while they prep for the first dance.

I'm sorry it's me I love an Elderflower or an apple crisps. I don't drink caffeine so I'm delighted when there's a grown up soft drink!

For my DD’s wedding a couple of years ago , the venue and caterers allowed ( without corkage and was the accepted procedure) all drinks to be supplied by the hirer on sale or return. Everyone used the local Majestic. There were canapés and fizzy post ceremony/during photos and chat, wine served with the meal, a good fizzy for the toast, then there was a manned bar with more of the wine, beer and soft drinks to last through the evening. There were always non alcohol alternatives. No payment from guests at any point. I had spent time with my DD calculating how much, generously, would be enough of everything to last through the evening and I was surprised at the large amount we returned the next day for refund. I can see it might be much more of a financial limitation where the venue/caterer only allows their wine etc to be supplied at very high restaurant equivalent prices or where it’s a hotel bar with spirits etc.

I’ve only ever been to one wedding that had a cash bar and it wasn’t a feature of the six weddings my DD attended over the past year.

Why didn't you pay for your own wedding?

A free bar at a wedding is not expected, however, as a non drinker I do appreciate being able to have a cup of tea at some point. I’m happy to drink water as I’m not fond of juice or fizzy drinks but god awful, elderflower seems to be everyone’s soft drink offering.

Could you have afforded the free bar if you were paying for yourself?
So far it seems the only ones who think it's rude not to have a free bar are the ones who didn't pay for it themselves 😂 I'm sure I'd advocate for lots of things for free if I'm not the one paying.