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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I done the right thing? 😪

33 replies

Oooootheclaw · 14/08/2026 07:17

After 14 years of allowing myself to be emotionally abused /gas lit and having to settle for the bare minimum from my now ex DP i finally got the courage to ask him to leave yesterday- it wasn't an easy decision for me to make but I feel it was for the best as I did not want our 3 DC to have to be subjected to any more arguments or listening to me be constantly criticised and blamed for everything (yes i know I should have done it sooner but its been so bloody tough) along with walking on egg shells as his moods were so unpredictable

He told the children i have kicked him out and now they are, understandably, very upset (they are 5,8 and 9 for context) he wants to discuss contact directly via the DC (they have a spare phone which is used for face timing family on occassion)

I feel bloody awful, my youngest said to me this morning he wants his DF back and for me to leave - i am really now questioning if I have made the right decision 😪

Has anyone else experienced similar ?

OP posts:
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Nearly50omg · 21/08/2026 04:37

HE has caused this and do NOT hide this from the kids!! Do not protect him thinking you’re protecting the kids as all that does is destroy your relationship with them

Silvercoconut · 21/08/2026 01:52

Challenger2A7 · 20/08/2026 21:49

Why did you allow yourself to become pregnant three times by this abuser? Getting pregnant never changes anything.

For fucks sake. Just go away.

BountifulPantry · 21/08/2026 01:41

When they are older they will understand what you’ve done x

Booboobagins · 20/08/2026 23:06

He's poisoning tgeur minds, what a twat!

You need to explain what has happened, tell them what he did to you, don't think they can't hear it, they're boys you need to educate them, they may be little versions of their father.

I hope his hate speeches to the kids stop soon. You did the right thing. Well done.

NewNameW · 20/08/2026 22:55

Challenger2A7 · 20/08/2026 21:49

Why did you allow yourself to become pregnant three times by this abuser? Getting pregnant never changes anything.

What a cunt

Happyjoe · 20/08/2026 22:40

Hey OP, you've done the right thing, kudos and I am happy you're starting to feel happier and more like you again! How wonderful not having him drag you down anymore.

Your children are young, they will adapt. It's far better than seeing mum and dad unhappy and they will see mum with a smile and see for themselves how much lighter the home is. Big hugs!

idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 20/08/2026 22:34

Well done op. If takes a lot of courage to do what you have done.

Your kids will be better off long term for the decision you have made.

Barney16 · 20/08/2026 22:16

Challenger2A7 · 20/08/2026 21:49

Why did you allow yourself to become pregnant three times by this abuser? Getting pregnant never changes anything.

Not particularly helpful. Well done OP. Enjoy your peace.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 20/08/2026 22:06

Congratulations on doing this and standing firm on your decision. You are very brave.

I was a psychotherapist and worked a lot with young people. It is often hard for children when their parents split up but it's so much worse when they split up and then reconcile, often repeatedly. Then they really don't know where they stand, have no idea who they can rely on and have no security at all.

Stay strong. Continue being the loving committed parent you clearly are and your children will adapt to the new situation.

MarthaLovesLaughing · 20/08/2026 22:03

This reply has been deleted

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MarthaLovesLaughing · 20/08/2026 22:01

Oooootheclaw · 20/08/2026 21:46

Just to update its been a week exactly now since he left and I feel like the biggest weight has been lifted and im smiling and feeling more like myself again, its been challenging with our DC but my only regret is not doing it sooner ❤️ thanks again for all your lovely and kind comments xx

What a star you are! Huge congratulations!

DaysIllRememberAllMyLife · 20/08/2026 21:59

Challenger2A7 · 20/08/2026 21:49

Why did you allow yourself to become pregnant three times by this abuser? Getting pregnant never changes anything.

Oh fuck off.

I'll get deleted but ah well.

Good luck op. You've been very brave.

maz210 · 20/08/2026 21:57

Challenger2A7 · 20/08/2026 21:49

Why did you allow yourself to become pregnant three times by this abuser? Getting pregnant never changes anything.

Why did you come onto a post from a woman seeking support and berate her on her life choices?

Well done OP, you should be very proud of the steps you are taking towards a better life for you and your children - you deserve it.

Original poster
Oooootheclaw · 20/08/2026 21:52

Challenger2A7 · 20/08/2026 21:49

Why did you allow yourself to become pregnant three times by this abuser? Getting pregnant never changes anything.

Hind sight is a wonderful thing and whrn youre in the depths of this situation you always hope that one day things will change for the better until you finally wake up and see the situation for what it is

OP posts:
Challenger2A7 · 20/08/2026 21:49

Why did you allow yourself to become pregnant three times by this abuser? Getting pregnant never changes anything.

Original poster
Oooootheclaw · 20/08/2026 21:46

Just to update its been a week exactly now since he left and I feel like the biggest weight has been lifted and im smiling and feeling more like myself again, its been challenging with our DC but my only regret is not doing it sooner ❤️ thanks again for all your lovely and kind comments xx

OP posts:
Elmtrees · 14/08/2026 19:55

You did the right thing, don't doubt yourself for a moment. Your household will be so much more peaceful and will be a healthier environment for your children. You also deserve so much better. Here's to a happier future!

Cherrysoup · 14/08/2026 12:20

Really well done getting him out! Inevitability, the dc are going to want him back and won’t understand but I bet you’re massively relieved. The parenting app is a great idea, you literally can organise contact and not have to talk to him or allow him to abuse you.

Original poster
Oooootheclaw · 14/08/2026 12:00

DebbieSavage · 14/08/2026 08:56

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Well done on standing up for yourself. As a people pleaser myself it can be hard to recognise when somebody oversteps and takes advantage of you but know your worth! 💪

This , with bells on! I've also always been a people pleaser but ive realised I have been protecting othet people's peace instead of my own for far too long and I wont stand for it anymore as life is too short ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Oooootheclaw · 14/08/2026 11:58

Oh my goodness, thankyou for all of your very kind comments, was not expecting that!

Just my name on the tenancy thankfully and the locks have now been changed

Have had a lovely morning out with the DC despite us not having access to a vehicle (the last few months ive been having to ask permission to borrow his car ) and already I feel like a weight has been lifted

Good idea regarding the co parenting app, I think that will be very useful!

Am not entertaining any mud slinging ive been researching the grey rock method and am really keen to continue with this

I do feel a bit flat emotionally now thought but probably not helped with the lack of sleep last night !

OP posts:
DebbieSavage · 14/08/2026 08:56

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Well done on standing up for yourself. As a people pleaser myself it can be hard to recognise when somebody oversteps and takes advantage of you but know your worth! 💪

Frumpitydoo · 14/08/2026 08:53

Well done OP and you didn't "allow " him to abuse you. Stop viictim blaming yourself!

Elsvieta · 14/08/2026 08:50

The only thing you're getting wrong is allowing the DC access to a phone - they're much too young and he WILL use it to tell them lies about you. Take it away and arrange access with your ex yourself. The kids will be more insecure and anxious if you don't convey that you are the one in charge. Be strong; this is the worst part. Has your ex ever spent much time looking after them solo? Perhaps when he does their view of him will alter a bit ...

SunnyRedSnail · 14/08/2026 08:45

Just explain to them that you're sorry they feel sad, but mummy and daddy were arguing all the time, and mummy doesn't like all the arguing as it makes her feel really sad, so asked daddy to leave to make it stop.

randomchap · 14/08/2026 08:42

Does he have a right to your home? Joint tenants? Joint owners? If so, get legal advice before changing the locks. You don't want to give him any ammunition to use against you in court.

Conversations can't keep going via the dc. There's a few co-parenting apps that you can use for comms. That way the dc are not stuck in the middle, and you have a record of what is said.

You're doing the right thing, your dc will be happier in a far less stressful house. It's hard now, but will get better.

When you're going through hell, keep going and get through it.

Good luck