AIBU to want retired in-laws to visit us with the baby?

Stop with the “open invite”

get dates sorted instead, give the a choice of dates and do it whilst you’re there on this visit. Suggest when you arrive at some point sorting dates for a return visit ( sows the seed) then the next day ask have you thought of dates you can visit, then say let’s get those dates in the diary for you to visit. Next day firm up those dates.

when they visit do the same, let’s get some dates sorted for another visit, this works so well with dd in her own environment and it’s great her seeing her grandparents. When can you come again? How about February, how are you fixed.

keep it going every 3/4 months etc and enthuse about child seeing grandparents

I think you could manage an occasional visit overnight. Two hours really isnt very far and it isn't that hard to keep a baby out of trouble if you entertain them - you can plan to go out for walks or to a nearby park etc together perhaps. I think sometimes people overthink things and make them harder than they have to be.

The stairgate is just an example, I would guess. Staying with people when you have a baby and your relationship with them is not all it could be is a misery because every aspect of the baby's routine becomes an awkward conversation. Why do you use/not use stairgates/bouncy chair/playpen, why do they need the windows blacked out when they are napping, why do they go to bed so early/late, why do they eat at x time etc. But if I were you OP I wouldn't push it. Do you really want to be hosting them the whole time?

You can't force them to come to you but you don't need to visit them either.

How bad are their health issues? Would they legitimately stop them from travelling or are they just a handy excuse so that you and your DH need to do all the travelling?

This is for DH to sort and negotiate. And if he caves, it’s for him to do all the packing!!
It is much easier to stay home and have them visit you.
Or go for the day? Pop DS in his pjs after his tea snd set off for home at his bedtime - then carefully transfer him to bed when you get home ! Much less to take and limits MIL exposure time !!

My grandparents never visited us. Ever. They didn’t have a car. We always went to them. I’m retired and I’m busy but I’d make time for grandchildren. I can cut down what I do.

For context I’ve had a tricky relationship with MIL but since our baby was born we’ve put it to one side.

Have you both decided to "put it to one side"

I have no idea why you had a tricky relationship but if your MIL has any reason to think that things haven't been "put to one side" I can see why she wouldn't want to spend time away from home, if she felt things were still a bit tetchy (sp) and for whatever reason things stired up again it wouldn't be very pleasant for her being in your home.

Well you kind of are coming across as a dragon of a DIL, and I feel I can say that as I probably am one.
MIL was not invited to meet DC1 for a couple of months (mutual decision with DH).
I go to her house sometimes because she is a nicer grandma than MIL, although like your PIL IS unable to look after DC.

We've never had a stair gate, the reasons you are citing sound very wishy washy and are just excuses really, you'd hardly be leaving a 10.5 month old alone by steep garden steps and who on earth would have a fire lit at the moment.

Apart from the journey time I don't see what difference it makes who travels to who and what equipment would you actually bring, maybe a pushchair and if you want a highchair or just get one to leave at their house, not really needed for a weekend visit but handy to have somewhere safe to plonk DC so I probably would just get one on marketplace or a cheap one to leave there, we had an IKEA one at MILs that was fine and later converted to a lower chair.

It depends, I know some retired people in good health, love to travel and would be fine visiting but I also know my own parents in less good health struggled to travel to visit grandchildren.

None of the reasons you give are a reason not to visit, I managed to raise my dc without them safely, one night is not hard. Yes they could sometimes visit you but it might be they are uncomfortable at yours for health reasons

How are you on OPs side then? She doesn’t want to visit…

Nah, I'm on the OP's side here.

I see, more and more Mumsnet, and also experience in my own life, this very strange reality that retired people are both immensely busy and loving their lives, and yet too frail to travel - so working people have to travel to them, in the very limited time they have when they're not working.

It's not how my parents did it - we shared. We'd visit them, they'd visit us. Like adults who loved and respected and cared for each other. No one expected or got to sit in their throne 'granting' audiences.

Yes, I think it sounds more reasonable that they visit you. Your DH should sort.

Surely it depends on the problems you’ve both had in the relationship? And what the ill health means.

When did people become so rigid. Why on earth would stair gates be an issue if you and dh alone are around? At 10mo an adult needs to be right next to baby so why is there a risk? Steep garden steps? Are you not next to your baby? And fire guard? If they are not in great health then imagine them having all these things around that would make their own life difficult in their home?
what do you do when you visit friends or places that are not safe guarded fo your spec op?

They have an open invite to come and stay with us whenever they like I think open invites can be seen as not an actual invite.
Clearly say (or DH) "we would love to see you on Saturday the xxx and stay until xx, or if you are busy then how about the xxx?" In-laws would have to say no if they don't want to visit which gives you/DH a starting point for pointing out how awkward it is for you both to go to their home.

Just tell them dc is at the Home Wrecking stage and best they come to you. .

Sorry but you don’t need all those safety precautions. It sounds like you just don’t want to go. I get you have the baby so it’s obviously easier for you for people to come to you but if your in laws aren’t in great health I’d just suck it up for a few weekends a year. Your baby doesn’t need that much stuff. My MIL used to buy a few cheap toys in charity shops for when we visited - new toys are always a hit!

My friends with small children and babies used to stay with us often. We never had a stair gate, fire guard etc, but with 4 adults in the house, there was always someone keeping an eye, so no risk to the kids. So it is perfectly possible to visit the grandparents, OP - just admit that you don't want to.

Could you meet halfway between houses, lots of pubs/ leisure centres have soft play now . Your inlaws could play with your child there ?

Take a play pen. Visit for the day. Baby will sleep on the way home. They obviously don’t want to travel.

Surely a lot depends on these past ‘troubles’ MIL is expected to put aside for your convenience. They might be painful to her, baby or no baby. We cannot know.

I don’t understand why you’d need to visit midweek and waste annual leave? Why can’t you visit on a weekend?
Your excuses for not wanting to visit them are very weak, but I agree they could probably come to you

Your dh should say it’s easier if you come to us as we have the house set up for baby. But also incase they don’t , figure out how many times a year you would be happy to visit and just do that. Give them option to visit inbetween

Parents managed to raise chilsren without all these stairguards etc.for generations, So we just visited people and got on with it