AIBU to want retired in-laws to visit us with the baby?

OneCleverRedTurtle · 2026-08-13T20:55:53+00:00

DH’s parents live 2 hours away. For context I’ve had a tricky relationship with MIL but since our baby was born we’ve put it to one side. We have a very busy 10.5 month old. They have an open invite to come and stay with us whenever they like. (I’m on Mat leave but understand MIL may be hesitant due to past troubles-personally I would think wanting to see their grandchild would trump this and she would swallow her pride somewhat!) They are retired, not in great health so can’t help physically with the baby (we wouldn’t expect them too either but many hands etc) but are insisting we go to visit them in a house that’s not appropriate for a baby. No fireguard, steep steps to garden, no stair gate. Not sure how to broach this.. we’ve done it before and DH and I come away feeling more tired than when we went. We kind of feel they should come up to us. We go above and beyond to make sure they are comfortable and catered for including rearranging our sleeping arrangements so they each have their own bed etc. it’s a lot but our baby has all of their toys, bath, familiar things that make it easier for us as a family. DH will also be using annual leave to accommodate us going to them rather than them coming up on a weekend. We don’t want to offend them but feel that their exceptions are a little unrealistic. Any ideas welcome how to sensitivity broach this without me coming across as a dragon of a DIL!

summersolsticesoon · 15/08/2026 13:56

Suggest meeting for lunch half way ?
and maybe alternate with a visit where you leave early and arrive at their house mid morning and leave mid afternoon.
invite them to visit you and if they decline explain when you next able to visit.

IonianNerveGrip · 15/08/2026 13:34

Has DH ever broached this with them before?

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 15/08/2026 13:13

Candleflakes · 13/08/2026 22:04

It’s a 2 hour drive, leave in the morning, spend the day with them, go home mid afternoon.

You’re looking for reasons to reduce contact and you know it.

The ONLY genuine reason would be either A, you don’t have a vehicle or B, you don’t want to visit them.

Agreed, 2 hour drive is nothing, we did it and more frequently with babies and toddlers.
You also control your leave time 👍👍

Francine84 · 15/08/2026 13:08

I have a 2.5 year old and would never expect anyone else to baby proof their house. At someone else’s house you just watch your child more closely than usual.

It's August and very hot, why would the lack of a fire guard be an issue right now? Your child is 10 months old, lack of a stair gate isn’t an issue either.

Your in-laws should absolutely visit you as well and not expect you to come to them every time. But you’re not the first person to have a baby, and it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to baby proof their house for your child.

FatMrsHoot · 14/08/2026 23:38

OneCleverRedTurtle · 14/08/2026 21:11

Thanks all for the support/‘constructive’ criticism (calling me
precious, digging that I don’t want to go, telling me that ‘in my day we got on with it’) I’m only human and a first time mum. You’re meant to be judging a scenario not me! Won’t be posting here again but I do genuinely appreciate the positive input from some-considering a day visit and possibly a portable stairgate. Honestly if you wouldn’t say these things to someones face don’t hide behind autogenerated usernames to give you some kind of buzz. FYI the majority of voters thought I was not being unreasonable so 🤫

Welcome to the internet babe!

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/08/2026 22:19

OneCleverRedTurtle · 14/08/2026 21:11

Thanks all for the support/‘constructive’ criticism (calling me
precious, digging that I don’t want to go, telling me that ‘in my day we got on with it’) I’m only human and a first time mum. You’re meant to be judging a scenario not me! Won’t be posting here again but I do genuinely appreciate the positive input from some-considering a day visit and possibly a portable stairgate. Honestly if you wouldn’t say these things to someones face don’t hide behind autogenerated usernames to give you some kind of buzz. FYI the majority of voters thought I was not being unreasonable so 🤫

New to AIBU I take it. This was mild tbh.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/08/2026 21:18

OneCleverRedTurtle · 14/08/2026 21:11

Thanks all for the support/‘constructive’ criticism (calling me
precious, digging that I don’t want to go, telling me that ‘in my day we got on with it’) I’m only human and a first time mum. You’re meant to be judging a scenario not me! Won’t be posting here again but I do genuinely appreciate the positive input from some-considering a day visit and possibly a portable stairgate. Honestly if you wouldn’t say these things to someones face don’t hide behind autogenerated usernames to give you some kind of buzz. FYI the majority of voters thought I was not being unreasonable so 🤫

OP you literally asked if you were being unreasonable able. So it’s a bit annoying to start an anonymous thread literally asking for divisive opinions, not engage with the thread at all, and then come back just to flounce and moan about the responses from anonymous people. I’m glad you got something out of it at least.

Original poster

OneCleverRedTurtle · 14/08/2026 21:11

Thanks all for the support/‘constructive’ criticism (calling me
precious, digging that I don’t want to go, telling me that ‘in my day we got on with it’) I’m only human and a first time mum. You’re meant to be judging a scenario not me! Won’t be posting here again but I do genuinely appreciate the positive input from some-considering a day visit and possibly a portable stairgate. Honestly if you wouldn’t say these things to someones face don’t hide behind autogenerated usernames to give you some kind of buzz. FYI the majority of voters thought I was not being unreasonable so 🤫

OP posts:

stichguru · 14/08/2026 17:41

Could you broach it as when LO was tiny and immobile and weren't that bothered about toys, so they were just as happy or even happier, with no toys in a non-baby-proofed house being passed round for cuddles as they were at home, whereas now they'd want to be down and play with toys so it would be a lot to bring?

Allswellthatendswelll · 14/08/2026 17:36

BusyMum47 · 14/08/2026 09:42

@OneCleverRedTurtle

My in-laws are 2hrs away, in a very non child friendly house/garden but we visit with little ones all the time - there & back in a day. No need to pack loads of shit & we can control when we leave - perfect. We get there mid morning & sometimes leave late afternoon or often eat tea & leave early evening - when the kids were tiny, we’d bathe them & get them ready for bed, they’d sleep in the car & we’d transfer them to bed when we got home - worked really well! There’s plenty of adults to keep the kids safe & in some ways it’s better than having to host. 🤷🏼‍♀️

This or you could meet for lunch halfway? Or just send DH?
I think you are being a bit precious sorry but ultimately it's up for your DH to make arrangements with his parents.

deplorabelle · 14/08/2026 17:29

Of course you cone away tired from visiting in laws. The purpose of the visit is not for them to help you, it's for you to work on relationships with the people who are important in your/your children's lives.

If they are in poor health you will probably have to visit frequently and won't be able to expect anything from them. You might have more than one child. In tow eventually. You are best off learning how to do the visit

Chewbecca · 14/08/2026 09:45

PollyBell · 13/08/2026 22:04

Parents managed to raise chilsren without all these stairguards etc.for generations, So we just visited people and got on with it

This

BusyMum47 · 14/08/2026 09:42

@OneCleverRedTurtle

My in-laws are 2hrs away, in a very non child friendly house/garden but we visit with little ones all the time - there & back in a day. No need to pack loads of shit & we can control when we leave - perfect. We get there mid morning & sometimes leave late afternoon or often eat tea & leave early evening - when the kids were tiny, we’d bathe them & get them ready for bed, they’d sleep in the car & we’d transfer them to bed when we got home - worked really well! There’s plenty of adults to keep the kids safe & in some ways it’s better than having to host. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Treylime · 14/08/2026 08:45

As a mum I don’t understand the “not wanting to visit a house that’s not babyproof” thing. Surely you are with baby watching them, unless they have a very dirty home or drugs laying around then I don’t understand it personally. 90% of the world isn’t baby proof, you just get on with it.
This. At 10 months old you have your eyes on them the whole time. You don't rely on baby proofing.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 14/08/2026 08:39

Obviously you don’t want to go. It’s easier at home. That’s totally fine but making up ridiculous ‘safety reasons’ is making you look a bit silly OP.
i have no stair gates or fire guard. Ive managed quite happily to look grandson weekly without even the hint of an issue

Postpartum26 · 14/08/2026 08:13

As a mum I don’t understand the “not wanting to visit a house that’s not babyproof” thing. Surely you are with baby watching them, unless they have a very dirty home or drugs laying around then I don’t understand it personally. 90% of the world isn’t baby proof, you just get on with it.

But I do agree they should perhaps visit you and it be 50/50. However “not in the best health” could mean anything

Ask DH to sort it and perhaps instead of open invites, say “are you free next weekend to visit”

Ismellarathmmm · 14/08/2026 07:49

If its only a 2 hour drive why not just do a day trip up to them?

BeaLola · 14/08/2026 07:31

I’m not sure why if it’s a 2hr drive you need to stay overnight and can’t just visit for the day ? Or why it then can’t be a weekend visit and annual leave has to be used

Not enough info re health or past issues but on what you have posted it just comes across that you don’t want to go.

beeble347 · 14/08/2026 07:22

I'm sure you have your reasons but I don't really get this. Only 2 hours? I've moved a 2-3h drive away from my family and friends in London, we have gone down all the time to visit them. Going to see my 89yo grandma a 3h drive away this weekend. We'll just leave in the morning, give my toddler lunch at a service station, travel over his nap time (as 3h entertaining him in the car will do him and me in), brush his teeth and put him in PJs before we leave, he'll sleep on the way back.

You could stay over but I also don't see why it needs to be more than a weekend trip?

My grandma also lives in a townhouse so we'll have to be vigilant about closing doors so DS doesn't fall down the stairs as the living room and kitchen are on the first floor. But we'll be with him the whole time. Just bring a travel highchair and a cot if you're staying over. This isn't something worth causing an issue over though I appreciate it is a pain they won't come to you. Ill health can mean lots of things and you might not have the full picture.

Also my ILs live near us and are retired though my BIL and SIL travel to them more often than not. They also expect us to go to theirs even though we're 10 min away. It's not a big deal

Likeiloveyou · 14/08/2026 07:15

It’s a two hour drive. Why would you want or need to sleep over?

Followthesunshine · 14/08/2026 06:31

Its only 2 hours away, there is no need for an overnight visit.

zebrastripesarefun · 14/08/2026 06:28

It’s only a two hours journey. You could leave at 8 am and be there for 10 am. Could spend a while with DH parents Leave at 5 pm and home for 7 pm. Very do able Do you have travel cot/play pen. If we stayed overnight just washed baby at sink. Maybe you just don’t want to visit. If that’s the case DH can take baby to visit grandparents

Wadsworthy · 14/08/2026 06:23

How old are they and what are their health issues? Don’t underestimate the impact on their health of travelling 2 hours and staying in a tense atmosphere.

CharSiu · 14/08/2026 06:21

How old are they and what health conditions do they have? You may not know about all of them either.

MIL can’t drive the 3 hours to us now it’s just too much for her as she is in her 80’s. So DH goes and get her a couple of times a year.

HoppingPavlova · 14/08/2026 06:16

If they live 2hrs away why does anything have to be overnight? Surely, leave at 9am, arrive 11am, stay 4 hours, leave at 3pm, arrive back home 5pm. Do it on a Sat or Sun so no need to take time off.

We used to see my in-laws in a day and they lived 5/6hrs away. Would leave around 5am, get there around 11am, leave around 3pm, get home around 9pm, and that was with a car load of kids from 12mth upwards (we didn’t do the trip with babies under 12mths due to car seat safety timeframes).