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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I be asking to go out rather than mentioning it?

38 replies

GetOrfMyBin · 13/08/2026 20:22

This is probably a stupid question and I’m unreasonable for asking, but. I don’t have a lot of friends. I get on with a lot of people and people seem to like me but I haven’t converted into full on friendship really. I’ve got people I know, but I don’t really do things with..I see these people at activities I sometimes do and we speak, it’s friendly. I get on with people at work but again I don’t have close friendships there that some people do. I had my DC young and they’re all older now, but we are still high school age just about. This is only relevant because it’s to show that I haven’t spent time going out or going away while the DC have been growing up, so I’ve not encountered this issue until a few years ago.

I have had one best friend for the past 7 years who I do go out and do things with which I enjoy. We have been on some trips away together. DH and I don’t really go out, he has a small group of friends he’s had since childhood but although I encourage him to go out he very rarely does. He states worrying about money and just not wanting to. Sometimes he wants me to go with him and I don’t always want to, because he should be able to go out with them without me..I get on with them but I don’t always want to go if that makes sense. Over the years DH has got annoyed when I’ve made plans with my best friend. He says that I should ask permission effectively to go, especially if I’m going to stay over. I dont stay over a lot, only if I’ve been drinking as the trains stop quite early and obviously I can’t drive. I will mention plans to him, he doesn’t always listen and then gets annoyed when I remind him I’m going out. I check if we’ve got anything on, though we don’t usually, and I make sure it’s in the family calendar. He is currently annoyed with me because I’m going out over the weekend and staying over. He says I didn’t mention staying over and I didn’t ask. I’d like to reiterate I’m not going out every week, sometimes it’s a few weeks or longer between, but this is becoming more and more of an issue as time goes on. AIBU for not asking to go out?

ETA I did mention it when I mentioned going out, but he is adamant I didn’t

OP posts:
Original poster
GetOrfMyBin · 13/08/2026 20:46

DC all older, no need to have a babysitter at this stage and he doesn’t need to be in to mind them so to speak. I will mention it to him that I’m going out or to see friend on x date, but sometimes this puts him in a mood. He has specifically said I should be asking to go out. Because things can be a bit touchy when I mention going out this then puts me off wanting to mention, as I get the inevitable snarky comment but I do still mention it and I also get the “it would be nice if you asked”. This evening I asked him what he was doing Saturday (more in terms of is there anything I need to get in particularly for him to do dinner) as one DC is out overnight and reminded him I’m out and staying over. This was where he said, in front of eldest DC, that I didn’t mention it (I did) and also I didn’t ask and he was annoyed with me. I’m currently getting the cold shoulder as a result.

OP posts:
afaloren · 13/08/2026 20:41

Ask? Never. Mention? Yes. Then I put it in the shared calendar so DH knows I won’t be available. DH does the same. If there’s an issue we discuss it. But neither of us ask.

Peakyblinder18 · 13/08/2026 20:39

Fuck that
Don't ask, let him know and don't worry about his friendships

NameChangeAgain48 · 13/08/2026 20:36

We have primary age kids so we do discuss going out. I think its common courtesy. Ill say,I'm thinking of xyz do we have any plans. If he says no i go ahead. Sometimes, he'll be working late or have something on. Usually its not an issue. So permission no but manners yes.

JLou08 · 13/08/2026 20:36

If your DH needs to stay at home with the DC there should be a discussion to check he is free. I wouldn't use the word permission, but making sure you don't have conflicting plans. I don't think a family calendar is an accurate way to check, there could be a special event come up for you both before getting it on the calendar. If my DH is going away for the night he'd say "I'm thinking of going x on x date, is that alright?" Just checking rather than asking please can I go.

maudelovesharold · 13/08/2026 20:35

I don’t ask, as in ask permission, but when you’re a couple, I think you should check with the other person before committing to something - e.g. ‘X has asked me to stay over on Sat. Any reason why that won’t work?’
I would expect dh to check with me, just in case of any logistical clashes. I wouldn’t be very happy if he just to announced it, as that presupposes that I don’t have plans myself. Even if your dh doesn’t have plans, it’s nice to be asked!

Cherrysoup · 13/08/2026 20:32

Ask? Fuck that, no way.

Rosebyanothername19 · 13/08/2026 20:30

I'm not sure it's a case of asking for permission as such, just a discussion before your plans are finalised. What if he had also been making plans to go out or had something he needed to do. His plans wouldn't trump your obviously but I thought discussing things in advance was normal, especially when children are involved in case you're both out and a babysitter is needed!

redskyAtNigh · 13/08/2026 20:29

Since you have children that need to be considered, I would discuss it with him before making plans to check it's convenient or whether I should consider another date. But I wouldn't ask in a "seeking permission" way.

Jellybunny98 · 13/08/2026 20:29

My husband & I both ask the other before we arrange plans with friends, largely because we have two young children, work, things to juggle basically so one of us being gone overnight increases the workload for the other and so neither of us would just arrange a night away without checking with the other that it works for everyone.

That said though, neither of us would say no for the sake of it, we both are encouraging of each other to get some personal time!

parall · 13/08/2026 20:28

Tell him and keep him posted, Ask? never.

Catza · 13/08/2026 20:26

Your husband is not your boss. Informing him is plenty. Why the hell should you be asking permission? What's his justification?

PrincessofWills · 13/08/2026 20:25

Ask? God no . . .