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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I be asking to go out rather than mentioning it?

38 replies

GetOrfMyBin · 13/08/2026 20:22

This is probably a stupid question and I’m unreasonable for asking, but. I don’t have a lot of friends. I get on with a lot of people and people seem to like me but I haven’t converted into full on friendship really. I’ve got people I know, but I don’t really do things with..I see these people at activities I sometimes do and we speak, it’s friendly. I get on with people at work but again I don’t have close friendships there that some people do. I had my DC young and they’re all older now, but we are still high school age just about. This is only relevant because it’s to show that I haven’t spent time going out or going away while the DC have been growing up, so I’ve not encountered this issue until a few years ago.

I have had one best friend for the past 7 years who I do go out and do things with which I enjoy. We have been on some trips away together. DH and I don’t really go out, he has a small group of friends he’s had since childhood but although I encourage him to go out he very rarely does. He states worrying about money and just not wanting to. Sometimes he wants me to go with him and I don’t always want to, because he should be able to go out with them without me..I get on with them but I don’t always want to go if that makes sense. Over the years DH has got annoyed when I’ve made plans with my best friend. He says that I should ask permission effectively to go, especially if I’m going to stay over. I dont stay over a lot, only if I’ve been drinking as the trains stop quite early and obviously I can’t drive. I will mention plans to him, he doesn’t always listen and then gets annoyed when I remind him I’m going out. I check if we’ve got anything on, though we don’t usually, and I make sure it’s in the family calendar. He is currently annoyed with me because I’m going out over the weekend and staying over. He says I didn’t mention staying over and I didn’t ask. I’d like to reiterate I’m not going out every week, sometimes it’s a few weeks or longer between, but this is becoming more and more of an issue as time goes on. AIBU for not asking to go out?

ETA I did mention it when I mentioned going out, but he is adamant I didn’t

OP posts:
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NameChangeAgain48 · 16/08/2026 18:56

GetOrfMyBin · 13/08/2026 20:46

DC all older, no need to have a babysitter at this stage and he doesn’t need to be in to mind them so to speak. I will mention it to him that I’m going out or to see friend on x date, but sometimes this puts him in a mood. He has specifically said I should be asking to go out. Because things can be a bit touchy when I mention going out this then puts me off wanting to mention, as I get the inevitable snarky comment but I do still mention it and I also get the “it would be nice if you asked”. This evening I asked him what he was doing Saturday (more in terms of is there anything I need to get in particularly for him to do dinner) as one DC is out overnight and reminded him I’m out and staying over. This was where he said, in front of eldest DC, that I didn’t mention it (I did) and also I didn’t ask and he was annoyed with me. I’m currently getting the cold shoulder as a result.

He's being controling. You dont need to ask his permission. You are not a child. He is your husband not your father.

MaddestGranny · 15/08/2026 11:45

Sounds like you need a bit of support OP. If you can afford it, find a therapist and treat yourself to 6x initial sessions before you decided whether you want to / can afford to continue. Failing that, find a course on Assertiveness Training for Women. Or look it up online and start training yourself. Also, buy yourself a copy of A Woman In Your Own Right by Anne Dickson - it's been out for years but still worth reading. Don't allow yourself to be browbeaten.

Pessismistic · 14/08/2026 21:01

Hi op you don’t need his permission just let him know out of politeness I’m out on such a day with x I’m going to stay over save the hassle of getting transport get him to acknowledge it there and then if he gets a strop on just say I’m a grown woman we are not in the olden days I am letting you know but I won’t ask permission. Seriously some men on here are bloody awful.

Laura95167 · 14/08/2026 18:18

I think it depends, in so far as if theirs kids involved that one of you would need to solo parenting.

I think its reasonable for both partners to take the same approach with ask v tell, or checking a shared calendar.

Id expect if kids at home I think its fair for both partners to say I want to go out Xday are you OK to have the kids/ive checked the calender and its free so youll have to be solo parent.

But I would only be "asking" if DH was free to be solo dad.

If no kids were in the home id just be telling/saying/noting the calendar

WhatAMarvelousTune · 14/08/2026 00:04

I don’t ask in a “please allow me to go” kind of way. But I do ask, and it’s more of a “there isn’t any reason why it doesn’t work for me to be out next Saturday, is there?”

Bunnyofhope · 14/08/2026 00:00

I'd be pissed off if DH just announced he was off on the such a date. Id expect him to discuss it and he would because he is a normal person.
'I want to go out with Andy on the 9th, and ideally stay over, will that be ok with you? Sorry to leave you with all the dog walks/bedtimes/extracurriculars/ bins/window fitters....' He's not asking to be allowed to go, he's asking if things can be made to work for everyone without him.

BibbityBoppityTwo · 13/08/2026 23:36

I consult, rather than ask. Just to see what my partner has going on and whether him being left managing the kids at that time is going to cause any major issues or if he was also planning to be out. But we both understand the importance of a healthy social life and tend to encourage each other to get out, so it’s a supportive consultation rather than a debate about whether or not I should be going out.

Original poster
GetOrfMyBin · 13/08/2026 23:32

Thank you. I do really appreciate the replies and input. I do mention it, there is just almost always a comment when I do which is what makes me uncomfortable about mentioning. Like I say, when the DC were younger I very very rarely used to go out, so before this I’ve always pretty much been at home unless I’ve been at work. Yes there is the fact he would need to cook for DC, who could cook for themselves really but he needs to eat too so it makes sense for him to just cook a meal. He wouldn’t be having to do any driving as he doesn’t drive.

I have kept the question at a very basic level because essentially I don’t feel really I should have to necessarily ask permission. The same goes for him. I’m not expecting him to ask my permission. Just let me know he’s going out, but he doesn’t go out and there have been times in the past where I’ve said I’m not going out with him and his friends and then he’s cancelled to go out. Make him aware, definitely yes. But there always feels like I’m always doing something wrong. He has said to me not long ago if I am doing anything where I’m staying out of the house in future that we need to have a discussion about it and that he should be allowed to say yes or no. No it’s not particularly a healthy marriage really…in terms of coercive control I do recognise elements of that with past behaviour. There have been times in the past I’ve not been allowed to sleep in my own bed. Additionally, I’ve had a long period of being unwell due to mental health and recovery has been slow. We haven’t done much sexually for a while and this is a driving force in him being annoyed at me. The more he brings it up, the more I retreat because I feel pressured and the cycle repeats. He’s mentioned divorce, but I don’t think he really means it. I feel like I’m in a situation I cannot really leave because a) the DC wouldn’t forgive me and b) I don’t know where to start. Financially it’s not viable. I’ve never been on my own since 19 and we have been together over 20 years.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 13/08/2026 22:02

I "ask" dh if im alright to go out , say on Saturday night. The answer is always the same 'bloody hell lass, you don't need my permission to out, go a enjoy yourself"

The reason I ask is always the same- just to make sure its not clashing with something Ive forgotten about. Menopausal fog is a bitch!

When the kids were young it was to make sure he hadn't arranged to go out on the same night, or the kids might have needed picking up from separate venues for example now its out of curiosity and making sure we haven't got wires crossed.

Metromayhem · 13/08/2026 21:50

He’s controlling. I’d never have to “ask”, and by the sounds of it he gets moody whenever you mention it, this is coercive behaviour.

Createausername1970 · 13/08/2026 21:41

Agree with the majority. You should not need to ask his permission, but you should be checking that there isn't a genuine reason why those dates won't work.

I visit friends and stay over fairly regularly now our DS has grown up, and I know I don't need to ask permission, but I always run the dates by DH before I agree, out of consideration for him.

Loulou4022 · 13/08/2026 21:35

Ask! Ask! Fuck no!!
It’s common courtesy to keep him in the loop and let him know your plans but ask permission! Absolutely not!!

cannibalfish · 13/08/2026 21:32

I would not be with this man, you’re a grown woman and don’t need permission.

PP’s keep talking about mentioning it, which yes is nice and courteous but not the point. He’s expecting you to ask him for his permission. Fuck that.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/08/2026 21:31

I mean, I'll say are you OK having the kids Saturday whilst I see Jill, or do you mind if I go to the cinema with Jack Sunday or if I'm being cute ill say am I allowed to go out and see Jack and Jill next weekend, but it's not exactly a question in that he'd only say no if there was something I'd missed re plans.

Ask him as in ask himfor actual permission? No

Goditsmemargaret · 13/08/2026 21:24

It all sounds quite boring. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

Aside from that start using a shared family calendar for this stuff.

Nearly50omg · 13/08/2026 21:21

Look up coercive control and see if this sounds like your marriage. If it does then I would make plans to line your ducks up to get out of it

JulietOscarBoring · 13/08/2026 21:19

There is a balance to be had here. No one should be asking another adult for permission to go out, but you do mention him needing to do dinner for the DC while you are out. There should be a conversation between you about whether he is OK to cover sorting the DC while you go out. Of course if he is a decent person he should be fine with that as long as you check with him first. So not asking permission, but checking he is OK to pick up the slack is fair.

chocoluv · 13/08/2026 21:07

You absolutely should not be asking his permission but you need to check with each other that it’s ok and make sure the other one doesn’t have plans.

Your kids might not need constant supervision but they might need lifts etc and so checking with your DP is polite.

I can’t help get the feeling that you’re not as forthcoming with the information as you think you are.
You say that he gets in a mood and so you don’t like bringing it up, but then that is going to cause issues if you’re not being upfront with him.

The next time you make plans, be more forthcoming and tell him and put it on the calendar.
If he gets in a mood, ask him why he’s in a mood and tell him to grow up.

PinkyFlamingo · 13/08/2026 21:06

Do you have to ask his permission for anything else?

exexpat · 13/08/2026 21:03

Asking him carries the implication that he can say 'no', and that he has control over your movements.

If you don't need to worry about childcare any more, I can't see why you should do more than consult the family calendar, and let him know you're going to be out or away, which you already do. Maybe you need to put it in a text or write it on the fridge or something so he can't claim you didn't tell him.

What reason could he ever give for you not to go out, other than him being moody about it?

Is he controlling in any other way? Is he one of those blokes who thinks that any time their partner is out of his sight she must be having an affair?

donotgettheangst · 13/08/2026 20:59

The needing to 'ask' and the cold shoulder are both problematic. What is the dynamic in your relationship beyond this? Sounds like this is the tip of the unhealthy iceberg?

TY78910 · 13/08/2026 20:54

redskyAtNigh · 13/08/2026 20:29

Since you have children that need to be considered, I would discuss it with him before making plans to check it's convenient or whether I should consider another date. But I wouldn't ask in a "seeking permission" way.

Yeah this. I have this argument debate with my DP often. I don’t like being told ‘on this day I’m going to do this’, because of the assumption that I’ve got everything else. I’m here, DCs accounted for, off I go. I prefer a ‘do you mind if’ - the answer is never no, but it feels more respectful to me.

DaysIllRememberAllMyLife · 13/08/2026 20:53

Why does he think it would be nice if you asked?

Pistachiocake · 13/08/2026 20:48

Couples should talk with one another and agree what they're happy with, so maybe someone between an ask and a tell?
Used to annoy me when some parents would just waltz off and expect the other partner to do 24/7 childcare, but that's not what you're doing.

Bobbie12345678 · 13/08/2026 20:47

It might be worth doing something to lodge it more deeply in his brain each time. I know my husband sometimes throws things out while I am knee deep in other things mentally and then gets frustrated that I did not really take it in.
Let him know you are going out and then physically write in on a wall calendar that is somewhere he can see, or put it in a quick text 'that next meal out with Sally that I was telling you about is two weeks time on the 27th :)'
It might feel like a pain and that telling him should be enough, but it might reduce the arguments.