Should we sleep separately so children can have separate rooms?

Not the girl’s fault either that she needs her own space and room because of her autism.

Hell no. Only if you wanted to sleep apart.

A room each is a luxury. You're not in a position to provide that. In an ideal world you could, but you can't.

I'd look into dividing the room somehow, as some others have already said.

If the OP and her DH purchased a house maybe their budget didn't stretch to buying a four bedroom house.

If a local authority property there's a chance the bods that allocate stated that the two girls had to share.

Maybe instead of dictating to OP as what to do the mother would like to offer up some funds to build an extension, doesn't have to be massive, it's only being used two days a week to pretty much sleep in, then that would solve the problem without OP having to give up their dinning/front room and causing so much upheaval

Mum doesn’t get to dictate.

what is in place to stop the autistic child from hitting her sister?

the room divider option sounds like the best plan to give them some space. however it sounds like a care plan and risk assessments need to be in place for the autistic girl if she is a danger to her siblings. That can’t be left unchecked, she hits the elder one now, your son, yourself/DH/the ex might be next

I know but she wanted her own child not her fault one of the girls is autistic

So the eldest sibling should continue to be attacked because her sister is unable to currently control her emotions?

No child should have to deal with violence in the home.

Every child should be able to feel safe when they go to sleep and not need to keep one eye open out of fear of being attacked.

They are a blended family.

The girls are not her children

I'd want the girls to visit separately, on alternate weeks. I'd be telling ex that I wouldn't want, and couldn't have, them visiting together because there wouldn't be the space for them to have separate rooms.

I'd also be telling her in no uncertain terms that whether or not you had another child was absolutely none of her business and that she should wind her neck in.

But he is the one letting one of his children be repeatedly hit by the other one, under his roof and alleged supervision.

Only on MN do you get advice on buying a bigger home - like just magic the money from out of fresh air

@OP when me and now DH moved in together, I had a 1 bedroom flat, he had two children - 3 and 4 .- boy and girl )
I wasnt giving up my HA secured accommodation to house his children for what was four weeks a year ( they lived over 500 miles away so it was school holiday stays and he flew to see them in-between )

So they came and stayed and he and the kids shared the double bed and bedroom and I slept on a put you up

We did buy a house together - two bedrooms and the kids still shared

When they were at the age where sharing wasnt appropriate, we had a sofa bed in the sitting room , when that child was ready for bed, not a bother - we were in the family room/ diner

I and DH were born in the early 60's and sharing rooms was the norm. My auntie had 13 kids in a 4 boredom house, an uncle had 6 in a 3 bedroom, I shared with my sister till we moved out and DH - even though his parents were what we would call middle class, not only shared a room - but a bed

But those days we bought what we could afford - hence our first home a 2 bedroom terrace

I would personally look at a divider if at all possible if they do need separation or get a sofa bed - it's a couple of nights a week after all . Stick a tv in your room. give the girls wardrobe space in the same room but stick one on the sofa bed

Because he isn't suggesting it ?

For 5 nights a week there would be two spare bedrooms....this is madness.

I’d have the 2 year old in with you.

My son is 3.5 but he happily decamps to our room if we have lots of people stay. He has a junior Z bed which he loves, we just put it up next to our bed and it’s a little adventure for him. He sleeps really well in it, and loves being with us. You could do this for a few years until you have a more permanent solution. A stud wall in the girls’ bedroom, etc. this could easily be taken down when they don’t need the rooms anymore.

The autistic child can share with you.

Half these comments have clearly never had an autistic child. And quite frankly why didn't your dh KNOW they had and needed separate rooms before you even bought a not enough house. Absolutely agree with the Mum and autistic child needs there own space to go off for alone time and privacy to keep cool and stress down...

This is a really tricky one tbh. My twin boys are both autistic. One is severely so (DS1), and with profound learning disabilities. They initially shared a room until they were about 3 when DS1 would hit DS2, take his covers, and once smeared faeces on him. Clearly this wasn't fair on DS1, but as we lived in a 2 bed flat, my only option was to give up my room and sleep in the living room. They are both 12 now and we have a 3 bed house. DS1 doesn't cope very well with other children, and needs his own space to retreat to when he gets overwhelmed and disregulated.

Was their father aware of this when it was decided they would share a room at your house? If so, how was he planning on dealing with it? Did he really think it was a good idea?

That being said, his ex was out of order to pretty much say you shouldn't have had your son and to make the demands she has. I do understand her concerns, as one of her daughters is regularly being hurt by her sister and it seems that her father isn't taking any steps to prevent it.

I don't think it would be fair to turf your son out of his room. Personally i would give up my room for the 2 nights the girls stayed, but I do understand that this is something that many people wouldn't contemplate, and that's fair enough.

I don't think having one girl sleep on a sofa bed downstairs is a solution either. Assuming they go to bed much earlier than you do, it would mean you would lose the use of that room in the evenings. Plus, and I don't know if this is all children or just mine, but mine would hate to be downstairs alone in the middle of the night. And which girl do you pick? Can the autistic girl be trusted to be alone downstairs in the middle of the night? It isn't her own space either which would make her feel disregulated. If her sister sleeps downstairs on the sofa bed instead of in a comfy bed in a nice bedroom, it will feel like she's being punished because her sister hits her. If you alternate, it will probably cause the autistic girl to become disregulated by things changing.

Is it possible to divide the girl's room? That seems like the only thing that would make sense. But it would need to be properly divided to stop DSD attacking her sister.

Don't have either girl sharing with your son. It's not fair on him. Clearly autistic DSD can't share with him, and other DSD will again feel like it's unfair and she's being punished.

As for some of the total shit some commenters are spouting on here, I would like to add:

No, my sons don't need a separate house. DS1 will attack DS2, or try to, but DS2 can either escape up to his room to safety, but generally I intervene first because I can see when it's about to happen. In the middle of the night when I was asleep in my room and they were in their room, I couldn't see what was going on to be able to prevent it.

Holidays aren't really something we can easily do. We occasionally have a caravan holiday, and yes, I do have to pay for the boys to have their own rooms. A hotel is not an option for us. But for other holidays, they still need to have their own rooms.

I don't know if it will be the same for DSD, but DS1 is becoming more aggressive as puberty kicks in. So don't think it's something she may grow out of soon.

So while I don't think you need to necessarily follow what their mum has suggested, you do have to do something. "Addressing the behaviour" takes time, and DSD will continue to get hurt during this time, and it isn't fair on her to not take immediate action.

(I suspect their mum won't like the idea of one girl going over at a time as it means she loses her childfree time!)

Parents get biggest room, son who is there 24/7 gets the next room - especially as he’s young and presumably has lots of toys. Older kids don’t need a lot of space so make smallest room really nice with TV etc and take the girls one at a time to give everyone a bit of respite from the arguing.

Why are you letting off the child's father?

You are selfish to have a third child when you already have one with special needs who needs her own space and room. You knew this before you had a third child. Don’t have more children than you can afford to house.
I think you should get a sofa bed for the living room.

Frankly OP, I'd be so infuriated by your DH's EX laying down the law that I'd be rather inclined to suggest that it's her responsibility to sort out the autistic daughter's aggression before she starts pontificating about you changing the sleeping arrangements in your own home or commenting on your perfectly reasonable desire to have your own child

The only modification I'd consider making would be to partition the girl's' room in whichever way that could be most easily accommodated. Alternatively, I'd suggest that the girl's' stayed separately until the violence stops.

I don't think it was a poor initial plan (unless you the younger sibling hit her sister in melt downs when you made it), but it's clearly not working for the girls now so you need to find a way to give them their own space. For a two year old, unless there are sleep issues, I think having him in with you two nights a week is a far superior idea to having one sister be the victim of violence on a frequent or semi-frequent basis. You and DH on sleeper bed is a possibility, I guess, but I think you need to be looking towards a longer term solution with 4 bedrooms, not 3.

Totally unrealistic to expect you to give up your room. Absolutely batshit suggestion!

Mum of ND kids here. Autism doesn't give the 7 year old a free pass to hurt her sister.
What support have her parents sought in managing this behaviour?
I've worked with lots of ASD children and this behaviour needs to be stopped. As she gets older ASD will be no defence in a court of law, she absolutely cannot be allowed to physically attack her sister or anyone else.

The ex does have a right to dictate that her daughter is safe from violence at her dad's home. She can't specify how to achieve that, but clearly it must be achieved.