Should we sleep separately so children can have separate rooms?

The girls' mum has entered the chat.

YANBU. It’s perfectly normal and reasonable to expect two full siblings of the same sex and similar ages to share a room for a couple of nights a week. Their mum sounds jealous and is massively overstepping.

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The child hitting her sister should be disciplined not rewarded with her own room, there is 0 reason why 2 same sex children aged 7 and 9 can't share a room for a couple of nights. I'd be looking to address her behaviour, not uprooting everyone, autism or not she knows right from wrong, I assume she doesn't go around hitting people at school, therefore she knows not to do it.

It's nothing to do with the mother, if she wants them to have their own rooms well she can offer to buy you a 4 bed house.

Can the girls come to you on different days? You only have them twice a week

What does your husband think, they are his children and he is responsible for prioritising and ensuring their needs are met.

If it is a safety/physical abuse issue them being in the same room, then that needs resolved promptly and it seems the easiest way for now is to have your young son in with you.

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It is absolutely not a modern conception. If anything, the idea that children with significant needs can be taught how to function well within society is a new idea. You may teach autistic children, but some of us have relations over the age of 70 with significant needs - so don’t think for a second you’re an expert on how things used to be.

Tell the Mum if thst's the case then they should come to stay on on different days. I bet she'll changer her tune then!

Equally those stating OP shouldn't have had a DC as one of their DSD is autistic.

I ask those commenting...

Would you come to the same decision as with the OP and openly berate other mothers on MN that have also gone on to have more DC when they previously had a DC diagnosed as autistic?

Working on the behaviour is obviously important. But what is your immediate solution, because surely you’re not suggesting that your DSD just gets hit regularly?

If it’s a large double bedroom, can it be split into two to take two single beds?

I think it’s very unfortunate that you bought a house planning for the girls to share if that was not something they had done previously or were doing in their other house. And sharing clearly is not working. You can work on the behavior and create a workable environment for your children-all three of them. But it is not for your husband’s ex to tell you how you should work it out. You should work that out with the two girls. And it’s fair to have a discussion of what can be done with the space that you have to make sure that everybody feels like their needs are being accommodated.

This is an autistic child, who has gone through her parents divorce, has a new step mum, a younger child who they are only with a couple of days a week, and who has to transition between two homes. The home she's having issues in is the one with the new people, where she now has to share a room so doesn't have a safe space or her mum.

And the issue is training her? As the parent of a child with ASD, I would imagine the first thing to do for her is to try to build her sense of safety and security. I think it's the adults that should have been trained to put their SEN child (and the NT one) first.

No one is focusing on her, they’re focusing on the other 2 DC who are at risk of her violence.

Mum wants to make sure her other child is safe from harm when she visits her dad’s.

It’s really not a big ask.

It’s not about letting the autistic child get their own way, it’s about keeping the other children safe from her during the night.

In the future it may be that she needs a lock or safety gate to keep herself and the other children safe from harm.

As ever on mn, he’s a boy and from a second family so is worthless to many, embarrassing and sad

You can actually teach children that violence is unacceptable. I teach autistic children. Sadly, this is a common conception that has appeared in recent years. Parents see it as easier not to tackle it properly.

Is the fighting in the evening at bedtime? If so I'd out one of them to bed in your room and transfer them when they're asleep. So they're separated at the trigger point but don't need their own room

Exactly, what about the little boy that lives there 24/7, or OP being expected to have him sleep in their room or sleep on a sofa bed in possibly their only living area.

It's crazy that the OP should be expected to have 2 rooms empty for 5 days a week just to appease the girls mother.

Yes exactly this, plus you knew his children and their situation before having another yourself

Autistic or not, 7 is far too old to be hitting your sister. Your dh needs to nip this in the bud before it's too late.

The 'violent child' has autistic SEN meltdowns. It isn't something you can train them out of. Try a Google before making rash statements.

I really don't see why you can't just move your son twice a week. You call it uprooting. The girls change houses. He would just have to change rooms. It wouldn't be a major trauma.

But yes. You should have allowed for the girls before adding extra children into the marriage. They were here first. Their dad and you knew he had an autistic child with a condition that is likely only going to become more extreme as she becomes a teenager. It's irrelevant what the ex thinks. But the dad/your husband should have put his existing children first before having any others, particularly because one has SEN/additional needs.

No.
The ex wife is being unreasonable and rude dictating where you sleep. Your 2 Yr old could come in with you and one of the girls have his bed for now. However, this won't work in a few years. An extension is expensive. It's a good learning opportunity for the violent child. She needs to learn not to hit her sister. She could have the sofa if she continues to do this.

Oh and I have ND kids, it doesn't mean you can magic up additional space or create yourself a longer term problem having a teen girl in with a younger boy which she would likely be unhappy with in a couple of years, at most, too

It’s so sad that so many posters focus only on one child, as if the fact she’s assaulting her sister is nothing and her wanting her own space is the most important thing