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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should we sleep separately so children can have separate rooms?

212 replies

hibyebye · 13/08/2026 16:33

We have a 3 bedroom house and one little boy who is 2 who has a single bedroom.
Also 2 step daughters who are 7 and 9 who have a large double bedroom to share when they stay.
We also have a double bedroom which is ours.

At home the girls have a bedroom each and are used to their own space and don’t always get along, one is autistic and prone to meltdown and for this reason their mum has said when they are with us 2 nights a week she wants them to have their own bedrooms.
She suggested either out 2 year old sleep in with us or we buy a sofa bed and give one of the girls our room.

She is very angry that we had our son as she says they would have a room each if we didn’t have him but actually we bought this home with a view to the girls having a double room to share and a spare room for a child we could have.

However the autistic child has a tendency to hit the older sister when they argue and this why they need to be separated when this happens which we do intervene and keep them apart until a meltdown ends, maybe 10/15 minutes.
AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to uproot our toddler into our room twice a week or completely re-do our lounge furniture to accommodate a sofa bed just so they can have a room each?

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

OP posts:
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PassTheSherryDear · 16/08/2026 11:01

suburburban · 14/08/2026 07:24

So what would happen two or three generations ago when people lived in more proximity to each other . Kids definitely share rooms and possibly beds?

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The autistic child would probably have been Institutionalised. Sadly that's what would have happened several generations ago.

Pootle23 · 16/08/2026 10:45

I think I’d put your little lad in the big room, build a divider and have the older sister in with him, put the autistic one in the box room.

That way all the children have a little space that is theirs. Take a picture of the room, put the measurements in and ask chat gp how to divide is fairly for 2 single beds etc.

PassTheSherryDear · 16/08/2026 10:32

I wonder how many people replying actually have experience of raising an autistic child who has behaviour that challenges.

You have a number of problems here OP The first is that the mum is absolutely unreasonable to have any kind of opinions about whether or not you have additional children.

Second is that without it being your fault in any way, you have a situation where one of your daughters needs her own space and accommodations to calm her nervous system so that she doesn't flip into fight/flight/flop/freeze/fawn behaviour. The simple fact of having to move households for two nights every week can be extremely difficult for an autistic child. Add to that the additional change from having her own space to having to share. Add to that the completely normal fact that siblings don't always get on and shouldn't be expected to manage their emotions as well as adults (who aren't always paragons of virtue either). Siblings can go through difficult phases and with the right support they can grown closer.

In your current house, giving the girls the largest room with a floor to ceiling room divider might be the best solution for now. But also consider the decor, the furniture and other sensory aspects of whatever room the autistic daughter has. Register the non autisitic daughter as a young carer and give her access to sibling support - the National Autistic Society runs a Sibs course and there are other similar supports available. This can extend into school support.

Consider staggering bedtimes, even if it goes against what you think "should" be. Base it on what the kids need, not what Society expects. Ensure that when they first arrive at your house, the autistic daughter gets plenty of time to transition without too many expectations. Even if they have to sleep in the same room, you could supply a quiet, solo space for her to go to whenever she wants. Depending on her age that might even be a play tent in a bigger room and none of the other kids are allowed in without her permission.

You might also negotiate to have your daughters at separate times. This is a real solution used by some families with autistic siblings who are not safe together.

Reassure your non autistic daughter that it is not okay that she is getting hurt. And that it is not her sister's fault either. Two things can be true at the same time. The meltdowns are a symptom. You need to look deeper to find the causes and help both of your daughters to feel safe and supported all week, no matter which parents they are living with.

Jamlighter · 15/08/2026 16:20

£300 full height room divider on amazon - split the biggest room between them . none of the ex's business

wombat1a · 15/08/2026 16:11

Take the girls one at a time, certainly do not move the toddler as this is 'their' home whereas for the girls they are really guests each time.

Wordsmithery · 15/08/2026 15:20

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 14/08/2026 17:54

The ‘pecking order’? Would you say the same that it’s a pecking order that the 2 girls are to get own room. Everyone else has to bunk in or sleep on the sofa?

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The point is that they already decided that the girls would share (despite the special needs) before they started the second family. So they weren't meeting existing needs at all.
It's so often the case that the first set of kids get relegated, in all sorts of ways.

candlelightburner · 14/08/2026 23:20

suburburban · 14/08/2026 07:20

She needs to learn some self control, is the hitting all due to her autism?

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What do you think it’s due to?

setadriftonmemorybliss · 14/08/2026 21:40

Do the girls have to come on the same days? Could you not stagger them so the bedroom thing isn’t an issue. Would give them a break from each other too

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 14/08/2026 20:40

NewGirlInTown · 14/08/2026 19:16

Ridiculous.

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Yep, the number of posters berating the op for having a child of her own, when apparently being a stepmum should be enough!

NewGirlInTown · 14/08/2026 19:16

Slightyamusedandsilly · 13/08/2026 22:05

I really don't see why you can't just move your son twice a week. You call it uprooting. The girls change houses. He would just have to change rooms. It wouldn't be a major trauma.

But yes. You should have allowed for the girls before adding extra children into the marriage. They were here first. Their dad and you knew he had an autistic child with a condition that is likely only going to become more extreme as she becomes a teenager. It's irrelevant what the ex thinks. But the dad/your husband should have put his existing children first before having any others, particularly because one has SEN/additional needs.

Edited

Ridiculous.

NewGirlInTown · 14/08/2026 19:01

What a bloody nerve she has!
No way would I be dictated to by her about my
home. Saying you should not have had your child is obnoxious.

Keep the rooms as they are, OP. She needs to parent her autistic child (reinforced by the father) such that the behaviour you describe is
stopped.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 14/08/2026 18:21

OP you could always suggests that the girls stay in their own home, their mother can go stay in a Premier inn/travel lodge/with a friend/family member for two nights and their dad stays with the girls at their home.

Not only will the girls have their own rooms they'll be somewhere familiar and it won't disrupt their routine as much.

You could maybe then arrange a day on a weekend to spend out and about all together so they can see their little brother.

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 14/08/2026 17:54

Wordsmithery · 14/08/2026 13:07

I agree. OP, you made the pecking order clear even before DH started the new family.
The girls need separate rooms so DS will have to bunk in with you.

Show quote history

The ‘pecking order’? Would you say the same that it’s a pecking order that the 2 girls are to get own room. Everyone else has to bunk in or sleep on the sofa?

GrandmasCat · 14/08/2026 15:07

nocoolnamesleft · 13/08/2026 21:17

The ex does have a right to dictate that her daughter is safe from violence at her dad's home. She can't specify how to achieve that, but clearly it must be achieved.

Sadly… it is not exactly that she has a right to dictate anything as nothing she could dictate can be enforced by anyone.

op, any chance they come in different nights? I bet the mum will hit the roof but that would avoid eldest daughter being hit and also, would allow for some very useful one-to-one with their dad according to their individual needs and preferences.

It is only fair and it could serve individual needs better

SillyOctopus · 14/08/2026 14:24

In Japan, it's common to have a baby or toddler in with the parents for years, so it's certainly doable. But it's your full-time house, soo your choice.

As an autistic person, I would look at the reasons for the meltdowns - they don't happen for no reason and it is better (for everyone) to be able to prevent them happening this than just avoid the issue. At night, when people are tired, meltdowns can become more easily triggered - there's less energy to cope or mask. The other sister might be triggering them without meaning to. It's worth finding out more about how autistic meltdowns work and sitting down together to make a plan about night time routines and how to behave well together. I'm sure both sisters would be happier that way.

Good luck!

ScaramoucheCanYouDoTheFandango · 14/08/2026 13:50

axolotlfloof · 14/08/2026 12:15

It's your home. Don't give the impression anyone else can say how you use the rooms.
Autistic children will learn to cope with sharing.

And while that child is learning, is the other 9 year old child who is being attacked just cannon fodder? They deserve to be protected and there are options available to protect her.

Voice0fReason · 14/08/2026 13:22

likelysuspect · 13/08/2026 18:41

Yes how does the mum take them on holiday then? A 3 bedrooms apartment? 3 hotel rooms? Really?

As a mum of 2 autistic sons who really couldn't share a room, the answer is yes. We always had to get a 3 bedroom place on holiday, that includes occasional nights in hotel rooms.

Wordsmithery · 14/08/2026 13:07

BalakayAARon · 13/08/2026 16:42

I wouldn't want the girls to share in those circumstances either. I ensured a bedroom each for my children when I bought my house, as sharing became an issue for my autistic son and his younger brother.

It is a shame you intended for the girls to share when you actually had a spare room that you planned would be taken by a potential future sibling. It's of course your decision as the adults of the home, but not one I would have intentionally made.

I agree. OP, you made the pecking order clear even before DH started the new family.
The girls need separate rooms so DS will have to bunk in with you.

Postpartum26 · 14/08/2026 12:19

2 year old shares bed with you 2 nights a week whilst DH sleeps on sofa/sofa bed.

axolotlfloof · 14/08/2026 12:15

It's your home. Don't give the impression anyone else can say how you use the rooms.
Autistic children will learn to cope with sharing.

Brokentoes85 · 14/08/2026 11:15

Mum doesn't get a say in sleeping arrangements at your house.

My brother was like this growing up and in the end my dad would have 1 child at a time. Worked well for a few years.

Dalston · 14/08/2026 10:55

hibyebye · 13/08/2026 16:33

We have a 3 bedroom house and one little boy who is 2 who has a single bedroom.
Also 2 step daughters who are 7 and 9 who have a large double bedroom to share when they stay.
We also have a double bedroom which is ours.

At home the girls have a bedroom each and are used to their own space and don’t always get along, one is autistic and prone to meltdown and for this reason their mum has said when they are with us 2 nights a week she wants them to have their own bedrooms.
She suggested either out 2 year old sleep in with us or we buy a sofa bed and give one of the girls our room.

She is very angry that we had our son as she says they would have a room each if we didn’t have him but actually we bought this home with a view to the girls having a double room to share and a spare room for a child we could have.

However the autistic child has a tendency to hit the older sister when they argue and this why they need to be separated when this happens which we do intervene and keep them apart until a meltdown ends, maybe 10/15 minutes.
AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to uproot our toddler into our room twice a week or completely re-do our lounge furniture to accommodate a sofa bed just so they can have a room each?

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

I agree, work on the behaviour instead of accommodating it. It’s gobsmacking that the ex wife has told you that you shouldn’t have had your own child! Maybe you should suggest to her that as the girls don’t get on you will have them over separately. Maybe alternate weeks? I would not be giving up my bedroom and I would not be making my DS move out of his room. What a flippin nerve! YANBU

Seajaye · 14/08/2026 10:35

hibyebye · 13/08/2026 16:33

We have a 3 bedroom house and one little boy who is 2 who has a single bedroom.
Also 2 step daughters who are 7 and 9 who have a large double bedroom to share when they stay.
We also have a double bedroom which is ours.

At home the girls have a bedroom each and are used to their own space and don’t always get along, one is autistic and prone to meltdown and for this reason their mum has said when they are with us 2 nights a week she wants them to have their own bedrooms.
She suggested either out 2 year old sleep in with us or we buy a sofa bed and give one of the girls our room.

She is very angry that we had our son as she says they would have a room each if we didn’t have him but actually we bought this home with a view to the girls having a double room to share and a spare room for a child we could have.

However the autistic child has a tendency to hit the older sister when they argue and this why they need to be separated when this happens which we do intervene and keep them apart until a meltdown ends, maybe 10/15 minutes.
AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to uproot our toddler into our room twice a week or completely re-do our lounge furniture to accommodate a sofa bed just so they can have a room each?

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

You don't need to take the smaller single room away from your son nor vacate your own bedroom . The mother of the sisters is being unreasonable. . The 2 sisters can share the larger bedroom like many other sisters do. I would probably get a sofabed for the lounge ( as a guest bed) so If there is a huge meltdown, and only if necessary , one sister can sleep downstairs until the meltdown is over.

It's up to you and your partner to decide if you wish to move house or build an extension or otherwise afford a 4 bedroom property, and not for the mother of the sisters to dictate to you the living arrangements where reasonable provision has being made..

IunderstandMissHannigan · 14/08/2026 09:18

hibyebye · 13/08/2026 16:33

We have a 3 bedroom house and one little boy who is 2 who has a single bedroom.
Also 2 step daughters who are 7 and 9 who have a large double bedroom to share when they stay.
We also have a double bedroom which is ours.

At home the girls have a bedroom each and are used to their own space and don’t always get along, one is autistic and prone to meltdown and for this reason their mum has said when they are with us 2 nights a week she wants them to have their own bedrooms.
She suggested either out 2 year old sleep in with us or we buy a sofa bed and give one of the girls our room.

She is very angry that we had our son as she says they would have a room each if we didn’t have him but actually we bought this home with a view to the girls having a double room to share and a spare room for a child we could have.

However the autistic child has a tendency to hit the older sister when they argue and this why they need to be separated when this happens which we do intervene and keep them apart until a meltdown ends, maybe 10/15 minutes.
AIBU to think we shouldn’t have to uproot our toddler into our room twice a week or completely re-do our lounge furniture to accommodate a sofa bed just so they can have a room each?

I admit a room each would work better but we had no idea she would be unkind to her sister and I’d rather work on that behaviour than accommodate it.

It’s your house so you get to decide. Genuinely as simple as that.
ex wife does not get to decide what happens in your home. Ever.
If you start making decisions based off what she thinks… what next? She’ll make more and more demands and you will end up resenting the power that she has in YOUR home.
Make sleeping arrangements in your home work for you. Maybe separate rooms for the girls would work, maybe a partition down a double room, maybe dealing with the melt downs and keeping them separate during that time.
and what works now, might not work in the future. Just do what is best for your entire family and to hell with ex wife’s demands. They’re your husbands children too and he has a say in this.
btw… you also don’t even need to deal with this… your husband should just say “thanks for the advice, we’ll consider it” and leave it at that.
step mum life is never easy! 💐💐💐

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/08/2026 08:47

In this circumstance it does seem necessary to sort separate sleeping spaces. Seems terribly unfair for the older daughter to have to share/get hit, and sooner or later she will just refuse to come unless you sort this out. I’d start with a room divider and see if you can make that work. If kids can share peacefully then great, but if it’s not possible and makes family life an ongoing battle, then you need to get creative.