To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

Your sister also had a part in this, she called your stepson a toddler. What else has she said in your nieces hearing? A 10 year old calling a 15 year old a cry baby? That's come from somewhere else - your sister.

I think it’s a bit bizarre to refer to them as a man and a woman and to compare this to a domestic violence relationship.
He should not have hit her and his father and OP need to speak to him privately and talk to him about being close to becoming an adult man and the realities of child protection and criminal records and the importance of not using your strength against someone weaker.
I don’t think they should humiliate him in front of OP’s sister who is, in my opinion, overreacting by saying he should be in care.
He is still a child and a child with problems. He can still do a lot of growing up in the next few years and the way OP’s sister is reacting would likely result in things deteriorating rather than improving.
There are degrees of violence and he hasn’t punched her in the face, flattened her or injured her.
I would take it very seriously with him though but not reject him. I can’t see the evidence for saying that he’s a risk to OPs younger children at this point but I would be very vigilant.
I don’t think OP is going to change the way her sister sees this and it’s probably best not to see her when he’s present.
How the sister handles this with her daughter is up to her but I wouldn’t be demanding apologies. If OP and her sister interfere in how they each handle their children they are going to seriously fall out.

She needs to apologise for spilling water on his picture when he refused to allow her to see it she ruined his drawing and that’s not a nice thing to do to someone. He told her no she needed to accept his answer not take his sketch book. She needs a lesson in respecting peoples boundaries and property.

Can you expel a pupil for a single incident which was provoked?
I certainly know of older pupils who weren't.

You do for destroying property and name calling, all unprovoked.

I think we can be fairly confident that this would not have been a single incident.

The OP makes clear that school has seen enough concerning instances from this boy that he spends most of his time away from his peers in the SEN unit.

If he’d hit a year 7 at school, at his age, with a back drop that he does… he’d have been expelled. And the school would no doubt heave a huge sigh of relief

Im suprised the SS didnt explain to her DC not to antagonise your SS . It seems she doesnt like him much ( maybe because he takes up your time) I think 11yr knew fully well she was pushing him to his limit , then to follow him calling him a cry baby ...looks like a bully in the making ....hes part of your family and of course there should be conditions on how not to wind him up especially by membets of your family ..seems like neice and sister are not nice .......horrid to say put him in a home!

He didn't rape someone though. He gave a pita kid a shove. He didn't physically harm her - you'd think he punched her in the face, from some of the posts on here.

I'd 100% agree with all the posters baying for blood if he'd actually punched her or caused any kind of injury, but that's not what happened.
He tried to get away, she kept coming at him and he pushed her on the shoulder. He shouldn't have, no one thinks otherwise. At the same time, the girl should be held accountable for her own part in this. It's not right to put it all on him and nothing on her. I think even the best of kids would struggle not to lash out in the face of that level of provocation.
But he's being equated with wife beaters snd rapists on this thread - it's a total overreaction, particularly when no one is ignoring his issues and he is receiving help to get them under control. Rome wasn't built in a day.

I think some of you would be very surprised at how hard it is to get expelled from school. I don't think it would happen for pushing someone, unless there was injury as a result.
I think he'd be put into isolation, or suspended for a period of time. For children whose behaviour means they really shouldn't be in mainstream, there is the PRU.

The fact he lost it the night before at the arcade over something as innocuous as a claw game, makes me wonder how badly behaved this 10 year old actually was. Especially as the version is coming from someone very sympathetic to the hitter

Most of the people in prison are abused and traumatised…are you this compassionate with them? Hope so. It’s compassionate to this young adolescent to realise that excuses do him no favours and he’s headed on a dangerous path ..unless he realises violence is never acceptable

…and hitting people at school

I think you just don’t get that violence is unacceptable there are no excuses….and teaching someone who resorts to violence that there ARE excuses for lack of control is harmful to them

Bit late to the thread but I have a nephew (12) whos autistic and highly strung, I can calm him down fairly easily - sometimes just like any other human he needs space. He absolutely has been raised with a 'you shouldn't hit' followed by 'it's okay we understand why you did it' by his parents. And I get it too - his frustration builds up and whilst I think they absolutely over allow it and it makes his outbursts worse... I understand to an extent why he does it/can't help himself. That's a product of his issues and the way he has been raised. You've had him fully for the past 2 years now, you are the ones who need to work on the it's not acceptable chat really.

My daughter is 6, shes a little nut - she absolutely presses every button she can sometimes. She doesn't really read a room - and she HATES to listen (I have 2 other perfectly behaved children, she can absolutely be a shit bag though)

If my nephew hit my daughter, I'd make sure they BOTH apologized. Not that she would deserve any type of violence, not ever - but also, she knows full well about particular nephew (we have 16 combined nieces and nephews) so if she pushed him to a limit they'd both be in front of me apologizing, 100%.

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable here.

Your 12 year old boy hit your daughter, half his age, a 6 year old and you would demand your 6 year old daughter who “presses buttons” apologises to him as a well as him?

6! she is 6! There won’t be malice there and there won’t be a real grasp of sensing when someone is about to blow and there will be zero understanding of autism.

Poor girl

Idk what you read but no, if MY eldest child (16) hit my daughter i'd be fuming.
My autistic nephew who everyone in my family is aware has different boundaries because he has additional needs, and his parents allow for it (therefore, we all warn our children of outbursts) I would absolutely expect her to respect his space and stuff.

If you would expect this from a 6 year old, then please, please never allow her around your nephew without an adult supervising closely enough to protect the little girl if required.

Because this far too much to put on a 6 year old. She is too young to deal with handling the potential responses of a volatile, much older cousin. Tbh I find your post really disturbing.

You've clearly never met my 6 year old. Don't worry about her - she rules the entire house. But thanks for the concern about her and not my nephew who is allowed to hit out 😂

I really don't understand your post- you think my concern should be for your nephew "who is allowed to hit out"?

And you may consider your 6 year old to rule the house, but she's still a little girl who needs protecting by the adults in her life i.e you

I feel what you've failed to understand is - she would never do this. Because she understands. You are telling me she could never understand, she does because shes been exposed to this. She knows we aren't all the same. I have 2 other kids who would also not get into someones personal space during a melt down, all I said if one kid was gonna - it would be her.

If you're not raising your kids to be considerate to other peoples boundaries that is a you issue. Even if those boundaries are not reasonable sometimes.

You’d expect a 6 year old, 6(!), to grasp the implications of autism in your nephew (that he can be violent?)?

If i knew a 12 year old was liable to kick off and hit my 6 year old if she was annoying and pushed buttons (which 6 year olds are liable to do!) then I wouldn’t have him around her. Full stop.

This 10 year old girl hasn’t grown up living with a teen boy who has serious anger issues.

She is 10. She was being annoying, pressing buttons and antagonistic.

He was violent. And hit someone much smaller and younger.

I think you are vastly underestimating what typically developing children can do with the right guidance and attentive parenting. Perhaps a 6 year old is not old enough to ‘read the room’ without help (many are) but if you explain in age appropriate language and model the behaviour you are expecting of course they can understand that people are different and need to interacted with in different ways. Just the same as they could understand that a wheelchair user might not be able to play football, a hearing impaired person can’t hear them talking and their frail, elderly grandparents can’t be jumped on. Did you not teach your kids this stuff?

My children are 8 and 10. My daughter is admittedly a particularly empathetic and gentle child who would not have needed to be told not to goad and torment someone, but my 8 year old is very boisterous and cheeky. Both know how to behave with people with differing needs. If they weren’t able to behave in an appropriate way with a particular person (which at 6 is more likely to be a difficulty with impulse control than understanding) then I would consider it MY responsibility be supervise them with that person until I was confident with that they could.

Who said anything about social services? I said he shouldn’t be around younger children unless he’s heavily supervised, which I think is common sense really given he hit a 10 year old girl because she was winding him up. It’s great that he knows to “take himself away” when he can’t control his anger, but that doesn’t mean if young children follow him (as they often do because they are immature) it’s their fault if he attacks them.

The school this boy attends has taken the decision to separate him from his peers for the majority of the time.

The OP and her husband, in all their wisdom, thought the confined space of a caravan plus three other young children, including a 10 year old who has no experience of living with a violent NF teen boy, was sensible.

This is all on the adults