To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

SS is also a child and whilst you’d expect a 15 year old not to hit a 10 year old, this boy obviously has a huge amount of trauma to work through. It’s not an excuse but it absolutely will be a factor into his ability to control his anger. He is 15 he is a child and his brain is not fully developed, if it was a 15 year old girl hitting a 10 year old boy i doubt the reactions would be the same tbh.

It sounds like your sister already doesn’t like him anyway and your niece sounds fucking annoying. You’re not going to get any kind of apology so I would just be working on making it clear to your DSS that his behavior was totally unacceptable and there is a possibility she could contact the police to report the incident but hopefully this can be a learning curve for him.

It’s fair enough that your sister wants to ensure the safety of her child but the lack of any accountability whatsoever would really irritate me. It’s clear she doesn’t like your ss anyway so I would be cutting the holiday short, I wouldn’t be minding her children again and I would just be working on getting your ss whatever help he needs to get this behavior under control. Maybe it would be better for you to withdraw contact for the time being.

He has apologized but she hasn’t

Lesson in life - you piss someone off they will react. No, he shouldn’t have hit her. But her behaviour should have been nipped in the bud long before it got this far. As for involving the police? Is she having an actual laugh? If the police were involved every time two siblings/cousins whacked each other, we would need a lot more officers out there.

She isnt over reacting. It sounds like you have a troubled 15 year old lad on your hands there and i commend you and your partner for stepping up with him as neither are his bio parents. It sounds like you have coping mechanisms in place but they failed miserably on this occassion.

Your DS daughter is a brat. But she didnt deserve any physical harm and i fully understand them not wanting her anywhere near him.

Solution is to realise that this young girl is a brat and is not being helped in her journey as i would question whe let this child antagonise the boy so much without stepping in. Could you have done so. Keep the boy as far away from this kind of scenrio as possible and be proactive in removing hi from those situations. Get him to recognise them and be able to do something to remove himself.

He is going to be a young man soon and you do not want a hair trigger young man capable of serious harm around your family. Too many are having to deal with that these days.

No, she did NOT deserve a slap FFS

@PapaSteel also call your DSis out for not bringing her 10 year old up properly; to respect others personal items, boundaries and space. She should now concentrate on correcting her poor parenting.

And you’ll deal with SS.

No excuse. The 10 year old could have been the most annoying, brattish child in the world. It doesn’t matter. Your SS escalated to violence and committed an assault. There will be many times people piss him off. He can’t resort to violence. I’m afraid your are minimising the severity here.

Open or closed fist? Does he show remorse?

He's not a dog, he's nearly an adult.

"serves her right"

Christ.

No matter how annoying a child is you don't get to hit them.

Wow, she sounds like a nightmare tho, pouring water on his sketchbook? If you're an artist that is extremely hurtful. All the work you did ruined. And she followed him after he tried to leave, but I mean yeah she's 10 and hitting is of course too much but... they were both in the wrong.

10 year olds are often annoying, it is completely unacceptable that a 15 year old boy hit her- you need to make it clear that this is completely unacceptable behaviour, and there need to be consequences.
On the other hand I do think your sister is overreacting if the 10 year old is not hurt- if she is hurt ,then calling Social Services would be appropriate.
You obviously are tending to take SS's side, but he should really be able to withstand a little mithering from a 10 year old at 15.

@PapaSteel I’m pretty sure the 10 year old did deserve a slap but no one should be hitting anyone especially a 15 year old hitting a 10 year old.

If this blows over, teach your 15 year old to actually say rather than do. He should have put her in her place with his words; saying ‘you really do deserve a slap’. And then walk off. She’d be taken back from being called out on her bratty behaviour.

Did you suggest your DSS remove himself from the situation?

He had options that didn't involve hitting 10 year old girl.

The niece behaved very badly, but I would not ask her to apologise to a teen boy that hit her. I would give my sister a bollocking and say fine go on then call child services, and we can explain your 10yo just got so mad at not being allowed to use her big cousins stuff that she deliberately ruined it. Niece wasn’t an abused child, what’s your thinking for why she’s so rude? Child services will not leave thinking you’re an amazing protective mum that’s for sure.
The boy needs lots of help with his anger and to know that he can never hit smaller people, and I’d steer clear of your sister and her children for a while.

@OnlyMabelInTheBuilding that's the thing, you can't always avoid people who will lash out if provoked. The niece may well meet children with anger issues at school. If her behaviour doesn't change, then she may well find herself in a similar situation. People need to understand that there are a lot of unstable individuals in the world and they are in our schools, the pub, driving on the roads etc. And there are people who won't hold back because the niece is a girl. She can't go through life deliberately winding people up and thinking there will be no comeback. Her mum is doing her a huge disservice in allowing her to think this is in no way a consequence of her own behaviour.
It's good that OPs step son tried to use the strategies he's been taught and is in therapy. But in life, not everyone

If she is old enough to know better then he damn well is.

Stop making excuses for the fact a 15 year old boy hit/punched a 10 year old girl.

put baby down and stop what was very clearly an seriously escalating situation

instead you sat, feeding your baby and mildly asking them to stop

It's horrible being 15 at the best of times. He'll be full of hormones he doesn't know how to manage which will be fuelling his temper, and to have trauma from what he's gone through on top of that. I can't see this situation being easily diffused now, and everyone who isn't you or his dad is poking the bear and making things worse for everyone. I'd cut my losses and go home.

He knows he's done wrong, but he needs to see you're on his side. It's not about him getting away with his behaviour, when you're all home and when things are calmer with him, that's when to talk to him about it all, and come up with strategies for dealing with other people who are keen to push his buttons for their own amusement.

Anger was never calmed by meeting it with additional anger, calmness and kindness are what he needs. But until he can find that calm, I'd cut the holiday short, go home, order his favourite pizza and give him a big hug. Good luck with it all.

Dogs that bite get put down. Probably not the best analogy to fall back on to excuse him.

Honestly, I don’t care what the fuck someone has been through if they hurt my child.

He did this to a 10 year old girl over something innocuous in front of an adult.

Now imagine him alone, with a teen girl he fancies, who pisses him off for some reason. Terrifying. And he could have had the worst childhood on the planet. I wouldn’t give a flying fig if the teen girl in question was my daughter

Ah so now because it's busy and hot that's the reason?! You've got a lot of excuses for his behaviour.
He's presumably about to start Year 11? And she's in primary school.
Rather than telling him to do something else, perhaps he should have been taken away from the arcade. If my 3yo threw a tantrum and started hitting she would be taken home.
Trauma is not an excuse. You have been awarded the opportunity to make a real difference in this 15yo's life after a difficult childhood. You'll do him no favours justifying violence. You need firm boundaries and consequences. When children get therapy it's usually the adults who really need it because so often they're enabling unhelpful behaviour.

If he's getting wound up by arcade game you say, let's go do something else.
If he refuses you say, we can either do something else or we can go home, your choice.
You aren't intervening soon enough. If he's needed to go for a walk then you've waited too long. Firm boundaries, consequences explained before you arrive. Good luck.

The sister was out, the partner in the shower.

Op was meant to be watching all the children.

The 10yo wasn’t just ‘annoying’ - her behaviour was deeply, deeply unpleasant, and I would be ashamed if any of my children behaved like this. She goaded him relentlessly, even following him when he tried to walk away, until he snapped. That’s not justification for him hitting/shoving her, but painting him as the aggressor in this situation is not correct.

If the sexes were reversed this would be characterised as reactive abuse, and there would be a lot more support for the woman. That said, the fact that it was the boy who hit is not irrelevant, both because he is significantly older and because he is always going to be the physically dominant one in any interaction with a girl or woman, and he needs to learn to control his anger better. Which it sounds like you’re doing your best to help him to do, OP. He’s just not there yet.

I would stay away from your sister as much as possible for now, and continue to give your SS the support he needs.

This! He shouldn't have hit her but she shouldn't have kept on annoying him. Frankly if you keep poking a dog you are gonna get bit! She was just doing it to get a reaction from him for entertainment and cos her mum wasn't about to tell her off. Obviously explain potential consequences of such things to ur SS but serves her right i say. Poor lad deserves someone in his corner as frankly it sounds he hasn't had much of that in his life. Once he feels safe and secures and works on his past trauma he will be fine x

Not overreacting. Being annoying and being physically violent are two different things.

Reading this there were plenty of opportunities for you and your partner as well as her mum to intervene and prevent things from escalating. He even walked off! Someone should have stopped the girl from annoying him cause you know he is a ticking bomb. However once he lashes out he's in the wrong. He needs to do something to let out his anger. Boxing? Gym?