To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

Have you heard of reactive abuse? Both children were in the wrong here and nobody should be condoning anyone purposely pushing someone to their limits. In the situation you describe both spouses are abusers.

No, that isn’t what victim means.

The belief that victims must be utterly beyond reproach is hugely misogynistic.

It's not the same thing. He isn't an adult who can be expected to control his behaviour - he's a child with a lot of problems, who was put in a situation that was badly managed. He didn't plan this, he tried to use the strategies he's been taught but OP allowed this girl to follow him when he walked away.

I was going to say you’re being completely unreasonable but he seem to have taken all the steps you’d expect him to to control his anger I.e. walk away from the situation when he realised he was getting angry.

I realise that you were feeding the baby but I do think you should have done more than just tell her to stop. She shouldn’t have to be physically removed but she’s 10 and 10 year olds misbehave. If you’d dealt with her properly it wouldn’t have got to the point where he’d tried to walk away and she followed him still winding him up.

I suspect she may well have learnt her lesson now but in a way that was helpful for nobody.

I think this is unfortunately very accurate. I have sympathy for anyone who is abused as a child. Some abused kids grow up to be abusers and some live good lives with integrity knowing they dont want to hurt other people.

I think your duty is to your own kids, are able to provide him the care he needs because he may well need to be handed over to social services. Your biological children come first.

Ive read all your posts and they all seem in defence of this young man, yes you acknowledge he was in the wrong but you seem to be strongly defending him.

Im not sure what the solution is.

I had a friend with a violent child and her family all found the child extremely difficult and she was dismissive of the violence as they were stressed, upset or overwhelmed. Eventually I cut contact as I didnt want my own dcs around that when we occassionally visited. Even though the violence and anger wasnt directed at my dcs, I didnt think it was appropriate for them to be around.

If your intent on keeping him, then I'd try and open up his world more into structured activities like pursuing a black belt in martial arts, possibly karate. And also enrol him in cadets like the air cadets or army cadets for extra life experience and also the discipline. I'd get him along to parkrun every Sunday morning to burn off energy and enrol him in local athletics club. Not football as theres acceptable aggression there. He needs a positive outlet, under structure, discipline and guidance.

If you pander and excuse this young man as the only stable woman in his life, you risk contributing to him becoming an unstable partner for a young woman in the future. You have two choices, take him by the reins tightly to guide him or hand him to social services.

Your own dcs come first, no matter what, sadly you dont owe this young man anything.

So if I'm being unreasonable and piss my husband off and he retaliates by hitting me, I'm not a victim of violence? Because I'm not blameless?

Really?

Think about what you are condoning here. Of course she's a victim of violence. What ever she did she 'didn't deserve it'

Obviously he shouldn’t have hit her but I do think your sister is being unreasonable given the context. A lot depends on what you mean by “hit” , did he shove her, hit out or thump her or slap her with his full strength.
If he seriously hurt or bruised her I can understand your sister’s reaction. If he gave her a shove , while it’s not ideal, I think she is overeacting. Her daughter was being pretty unpleasant.
I would tell your sister just to go ahead and phone social services if she thinks that’s appropriate. If they follow it up you can explain everything.
I would be quite stern with SS though and point out that the police or social services would take a dim view as he will soon be classed as an adult and he could get a record of child abuse by hitting out at someone so much younger, however annoying they were being. He has to understand it’s serious.
I don’t think you’re going to be able to influence your sister to view this differently and I can see it causing a real issue between you.

Scot free? She was hit by a 15 yo male teenager. How is that scot free??

It wasn't 'innocuous'.
She was verbally bullying him.
I'd be ashamed if a ten year old (nearly eleven year old) of mine behaved like that.

It is ridiculous to suggest that this means he's a danger to anyone who 'pisses him off'.

She's not a victim though. Victim implies someone blameless, who was minding their own business and got attacked.
What happened here, is that she got a shove, having been absolutely vile to this boy. No one is saying he was right to do it, but she's hardly an innocent bystander.

So she'll deserve it?

And we wonder how/ why 2 women are killed by their partners/former partners each week in the UK.

Wow just stop now its embarrassing.
Are you a man??

She didnt deserve to be hit. But her behaviour was not acceptable. I expect my child would want to apologise. But this girl doesnt sound like mine.

Once someone hits someone else that will always become the focus (as it should). So I suppose I agree neice shouldnt be made to apologise.Unless it is because she recognises her incorrect behaviour an apology is meaningless anyway.

Absolutely unacceptable. No the 10 year old girl is not "equally" to blame and having anger issues is not a sufficient mitigation. No wonder we have such issues with gender based violence.

Did he hit her in the face or head? Did it leave a mark and is your niece OK now?

He’s a violent thug - angry at a claw machine and angry that a child wants to look at his drawings. Primary school children can be annoying, but that’s not an excuse for a nearly grown man to punch little girls. If I was OP’s sister I’d go no contact to protect my little girl.

Are you actually asking if it is ok for a 15 year old boy (who could be as big as a man) to hit a 10 year old girl!?!

Absolutely this.
Victim blaming is rife. Am horrified. Let's teach this man child that DA is just fine as long as hes "provoked". Poor little boy child. Can't control himself. Hit the little madam because she deserved it. Shocking.

Your niece and sister are clearly in the wrong but the niece's behaviour doesn't justify your step son hitting her. If this happened at school or out in public, he could be expelled or arrested. I know you feel he is working on his anger issues, and it's great that you are supportive but an apology isn't really sufficient. He must understand that he has to implement the strategies he has been given, come what may. Your sister isnt helping matters and her child needs to also know that she was out of order, but unfortunately you are unlikely to persuade her to change her view. Hopefully she will calm down later and not report to social services.

I'd rather have a shove in the shoulder than someone taunting me, calling me names and damaging my things. People are lacking in critical thinking skills. Touching someone crosses the line in to a criminal act, some are unable to think critically beyond the law to realise that there are things worse than violence.

Why didn’t you stop feeding the baby, walk across the room and intervene properly rather than from across the room?

Your niece sounds like a brat and I would suspect has overheard adult conversations which means she thinks goading this young man to get a reaction will cause a drama.

If that is the case, regardless, violence is not the answer. Ever. You do not put your hands on another person. Once you get physical you’ve lost the argument.

Fine. Let her carrying on behaving like that.
Don't blame me when she ends up in hospital or worse.
Actions have consequences.

I'd say the same thing about a boy. They goaded for a reaction and got exactly what they wanted.

No. Pick a different holiday. You weren't in a position to go on holiday with your sister this year. It's not rocket science.

'little madam' was asking for it, wasn't she?

This is utter misogyny. Berating the victim rather than the perpetrator of violence.