To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

Your niece sounds like little shit. Equally Your ss has anger issues and you shouldn't be down playing him hitting her.

10 year olds are annoying. A fifteen year old hitting a 10 year old is deeply worrying. If you don't get this under control, the next time he escalates to physical violence, he'll probably get arrested. Despite his adverse childhood experiences.

Hindsight is wonderful - I think I would have been verbally firm with the niece rather than a more standard polite, maybe speaking to her like a much younger child. I'd have started a conversation about men's mental health and how crying is a perfectly appropriate way to express feelings if I'd heard her try to make fun of a boy for crying.

Nobody is trying to to justify it

the point is she was provoking someone irrespective of how it ended she needs to be told off for that

Of course he was in the wrong and his violent reaction needs addressed

she was also in the wrong for her behaviour which amounts to criminal damage if she were an adult. All 10 year olds know not to damage property of others

you were in the wrong for allowing it to escalate. The girl should have been admonished for her taunting and removed

you sis is entirely in the wrong for threatening you with SS. how dare she think she gets to dictate this boy has to leave your lives and for him to be separated from the only father he knows. Out of all above her behaviour is unforgivable

So his fixation is justified but your 10 year old niece deserves to be hit for hers?!

There is no way in hell any of my daughters would be apologising for provoking someone (an older bigger male) into hitting them. No way would I be in any way letting them think that anything they did made it ok for a male to hit them.
This thread is wild.

You can't be serious? Your SS was out of order, being a little shit. Your DN is 10. 100% your DSIS is not overreacting. You are not acting appropriately, at all. It's like blaming a child when a dog bites. No.

It’s not working.

Equally in the wrong? Do you hear yourself? Do you justify domestic abuse saying the woman probably wound the man up?!

There's no level of reaction that's excessive when a 15 yo boy hits a 10 yo girl. And no level of provocation which justifies it.

What you’re saying makes zero sense to me sorry.
A 15 year old boy cannot hit a 10 year old girl and then you tell me it’s not a criminal act. Goading isn’t criminal, snatching isn’t criminal, unkind words aren’t criminal. Hitting is a criminal offence. I wouldn’t even ring the bloody police, in fact it wouldn’t even happen to me because, you know, effective parenting and supervision. You are over complicating things. I’m not excusing the 10YO’s behaviour (it’s clear to me OP and her sister attended the same school of parenting) but talking about whether she should have been goading him, discussing what you would rather have happen to you etc is all unnecessary emotion. The facts are clear to me. I never once said the nieces behaviour was acceptable.

And come back to me when someone considerably heavier and stronger than you gives you a shove / hits you and tell me you would rather have the goading and snatching and awful behaviour that the OP expects us to believe happened whilst she sat doing nothing to stop it Please do let me know just how much more you preferred it.

Well, I have bad news for the PP excusing violence from a 15 year old towards a 10 year old (however annoying her behaviour)- magistrates and judges won't be as indulgent of their little cherub's violent behaviour. I'm afraid YOIs and prisons are stuffed full of young men with troubled backgrounds and uncontrollable tempers. So it's best to take it seriously and not make endless excuses.

All that shows is that she wasn’t afraid of him prior to him hitting her.

They have good reason to fear him now.

Both of them, really.

His behaviour was far worse; there is never an excuse for violence. But her behaviour was also not acceptable.

The vast majority of people that commit violent crime have troubled backgrounds. They also often have a history of violent incidents like this one. That he’s 15 year old with a lot of problems is even more reason to take this seriously, not make excuses for him. Op and her DH may be working on his issues, but that doesn’t mean intervention isn’t required.

Was the niece an annoying brat that behaved badly? Absolutely. Is she also a victim of his choice to become violent? Also absolutely. A victim does not have to have behaved perfectly in order to be considered a victim. She verbally taunted him, he hit her. That is not a proportionate or reasonable response.

Do you think it is ok for 10 year olds to call other children cry babies and ask them if they are going to cry, spilling water over drawings then refusing to apologise? You would be happy with a year 6 child doing that to your children? It certainly isn't viewed as acceptable at my DCs primary school, not even in reception or pre school.

The world and his wife are all in agreement that the 15 y old was wrong and he’s been dealt with and apologised

the 10 year old should also be dealt with for her part in this rather than because she came of worse that’s a free pass for her behaviour

He is almost an adult.
She is a child.
Regardless of how she behaved he shouldn't have hit her.

Your sister and DN are likely feeling scared by him

If the niece was scared of him she'd have left him alone.
Instead she
Would not listen when told no
Damaged his work
Followed when he tried to remove himself from the situation
Used belittling language towards him.

OP should have intervened firmly right at the start and told niece in no uncertain terms to pack it in. The lad was left to deal with the situation on his own and not given the adult support he should have had.

You are using that in the context of rape or dv in adult relationships, which is not comparable to this situation. Adults can be expected to manage their own behaviours and are responsible for their own choices. Children, not so much.
She was allowed to continue behaving in a way that would likely result in a troubled teen reacting badly. And that's what happened. Now, she is 10 and a product of her upbringing, the same as the 15 year old. The real people at fault are the adults who didn't shut down her bullying straight away and who have ignored her behaviour while focussing entirely on the son.
He knows it wasn't the right response, he's doing what he can to address his history. There's zero acknowledgement from the nieces mother that her daughter continuously provoked him until he did lash out.

She is also 10. He is 15. Which one is old enough to know better?

So the 15 year old boy who hit the 10yr old girl was provoked and she deserved it. But the 10yr old girl was a brat/madam who was bullying a much older boy and deserved it.
I despair. No wonder the world hasn't changed much .

I’d take the stance really that violence isn’t the answer to a verbal attack.

She called him a cry baby and asked if he was going to go cry and followed him. After asking for see his work, then maybe accidentally maybe on purpose spilling water on it.

I wouldn’t call it bullying at that point. Being mean and acting like an arse sure but bullying is persistent and on going not a 5 minute one off.

I’ll await ops drip of something else but yeah.

No, she's not overreacting. A 15 year old hitting a much younger child is inexcusable.

However, I think you should have managed the behaviour better. You're aware that your SS has anger issues. But even if he didn't, you're an adult and should have firmly put a stop to her behaviour, even if that meant leading her out of the room or having her sit beside you until her mother returned.