To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

Your Step son has learnt to resolve conflict with violence. It’s what his mother role modelled to him and he needs resources good support to learn to manage his reactions as well as understand his triggers. It’s only been two years away from the abusive behaviour.

He was very very wrong to hit the other child. Obviously he’s also stronger and well as older. He was being wound up though and didn’t know how to manage his behaviours.

I feel sorry for him. Also for her. She needs to learn not to keep poking. The following him and comments about crying are just plain nasty. He was trying to remove himself. She needs to be spoken to as well.

Obviously I’m looking at this from a trauma informed approach. I’d recommend some more work with social care about his feelings and his identity. Anger is just one aspect but how dire he feel about his experiences. What his current care status. Child in need? See if proper funding can be given for therapy.

Most of all - guilt and shame leave young people stuck. He needs to know he can move on from this after a suitable apology and some reflection and be allowed to.

I would cool things with sister if she doesn’t support this approach. He’s a child in need of interventions not harsh punishments.

Hes 15 and shes 10. He is the bad guy.

Do I think she should be told the name calling was nasty and unacceptable? Yes

Do I think dismissing his choice to be violent in this way is also wrong? Yes.

Lots of people with worse experiences than him dont erupt in violence when they dont her their way. Even the arcade game eruption meant he couldnt calm down at the arcade, and needed relocating to avoid another outburst.

Whatever help hes getting isnt enough. Its not being managed if removing him from the source of his irritation (like a toddler) is the only way for him to avoid violence. He needs better help. If a dog bites a child, its rarely a "bad dog" but it is a dangerous one. This is similar, he isnt a bad person but hes dangerous around children if an annoying child can drive him to violence. Hes getting to old and grown up to continue like this. He needs more help.

Yes, that’s precisely who I’m referring to. An unstable 15 year old with anger issues and a tendency towards violence, who is indeed someone else’s mess.

He also expressed his frustration similarly violently the day prior, and the arcade machine presumably wasn’t taunting or following him. I haven’t said the 10 year old behaved well. She didn’t. That doesn’t excuse or justify how he chose to respond.

His pattern of behavior is deeply concerning, and requires more than what OP and her DH are currently providing by way of tackling it. Hopefully OP’s sister will follow through and report this, because OP is downplaying it. Someone needs to step up for OP’s and her DH’s actual children, the ones currently being put at risk because their parents want to play savior.

I haven't abused my children either and I would hope that they wouldn't be lashing out like this at age 15.

Your niece wasnt completely innocent in this but when it boils down to it he was in the wrong - you don't lash out at anything.

He obviously needs more input into his anger management.

I totally agree with you OP. Of course your SS shouldn’t have hit your niece but she really provoked him and called him names. She sounds delightful!

what has happened since? Have you managed to find a way forward for the rest of the holiday?

Excellent, another female to blame for the actions of a male

Presumably you haven't abused him?

Asking for it was she OP? She was winding him up and he couldn't help it because...

A lot of us have heard these lines from abusive men before, so don't be suprised at the lack of sympathy because in a few years your stepson will be another one. They all start somewhere. Making excuses for him won't help.

I think this could be something you and your family can learn from going forward. If you couldnt remove her, you need to have a plan on how to keep him calm or get him to remove himself from the situation. Maybe it's something therapy can teach you as a family. No matter how at fault the other person is for riling someone up, as soon as there's violence, the violent person will always be the worst in that situation! Your niece is not without fault and your sister is wrong for not explaining to her why she needs to apologise.

He is emotionally unstable but I understand why.
I don’t think that it was tit for tat. He’s a young man
physically at 15, he can’t socialise with cousins if he cannot regulate his temper.

OP states in the first post that he has been abused.

The ‘someone else’s mess’ you refer to is a traumatised child. You should be ashamed.

He is obviously so terrifying that a 10 year old who has presumably known him for several years and spent time with him on numerous occasions felt no trepidation in taking his belongings, damaging them without apologising and then following him out of the room to further taunt him and laugh at his distress.

Yes, given the abuse he has suffered he might end up the criminal justice system. He might end up with life long mental health difficulties. He might be violent. However, if he continues to be loved and cared for, given the right support and kept away from people like you and the OP’s sister, he might just manage to break the cycle and grow up to be a decent young man.

That what it means to step up.

No one has won here. Your sister has been cruel in what she’s said and that probably says a lot about her, how she feels about your step son and how she perceives his place in your family. That’s all quite a big problem that you probably can’t ignore.

The 10 year old sounds as though she has behaved quite manipulatively and not respected anyone’s boundaries - yours or his.

Your step son did the right thing in walking away but absolutely, absolutely should not and cannot hit anyone. Moral reasons aside, he could get in an awful lot of trouble now with the police. Is the support he’s getting having any impact? Is he neurodivergent? These are all rhetorical, but he sounds very much as though he doesn’t have a consistent handle on his reactions.

Saying all that, you sound as though you have been dismissive and made excuses for his behaviour and so I understand your sister’s fury and desire to protect her children. If I were her I would absolutely have left the holiday by now. If he’s reactive then no one adult should ideally be in charge of him and all the other children - that’s a daft ratio that clearly hasn’t worked, especially if you have a baby to feed. The right things to do would probably be for his dad to take him home or at the very least focus enormously on keeping him occupied away from the girl he hit.

This all really began with your sisters unkind comment about your stepson being a tantrumming toddler, and about your partner not helping. She knows his background yet displayed a lack of empathy or kindness which no doubt reflects the way raises her kids, hence your niece taunting your stepson. Your stepson was at fault for lashing out. His anger is a serious problem, but at least you are trying to work with him to help him be a better person. Your niece isn't really to blame for how she is being raised and hopefully she will learn empathy outside the home as she gets older.

You are making alot of excuses for a 15yr old boy hitting a 10yr girl. He is old enough to know better, full stop, no excuses!

A pet shouldn't bite people. However, if you know the dog has been abused and is reactive then you're stupid to poke it.

Sure, the niece can be told off, but it doesn't mean the sister isn't totally reasonable for being absolutely furious that a 15 yo boy hit her 10 yo girl.

No.

The word cunt is misogynistic. There is nothing she could have said that warranted that.

Honestly. I despair.

No wonder we have the manosphere.

Errr, what has trans to do with anything?

A violent male is a violent male whatever his gender identity.

bollocks to that - she shouldn't have been hit. But the girl was being an utter brat.

You should have nipped that in the bud way earlier (by taking him away from the situation)

@lifeturnsonadimei think you should have had your own child's back tbh. Yes, that's an awful word, but you absolutely should care what the girl did to him too. And you should have expected an apology from the girl if she was the instigator. Let the other mum advocate for her child - you advocate for yours. In private you can tear a strip off him for using that word, but you should care what led up to it!