AIBU to think it’s none of their business?

It's weird, because you just know that if he were spending all of his money on multiple takeaway coffees each day, always having the latest flagship mobile phone and designer clothes etc., she would be the very first to tell him that he should stop wasting money and start saving to buy a house; yet when he does exactly that, she criticises him for not throwing a grand or more away each month when he has a perfectly good home already!

It's become much more common for DC to live longer with parents, return after university and especially for sons.

Sounds like you have a wonderful home life together ❤️ so what's the rush? There's no set in stone life guide for age limits in a loving family. Xx

I do think it's ironic when people announce that an adult child 'should move out'. Even if that adult child is earning a reasonable salary, it takes time to save for a deposit. I can only think that people live in cheaper areas of the UK, and assume that house prices are lower everywhere or that renting is cheap and available in abundance!!

In my part of the UK, you'd be lucky to rent a studio flat for £1,000 per month! House prices are expensive, to buy and rent.

If you're happy OP, and so are your children, then I don't see the issue. Often elderly people have zero idea on the price of buying/renting, and still think it's 1974! They equally often have no idea on salaries for different jobs either.

Because the OP has a problem with making people cry. Or being made to look like she's made someone cry.

This is nuts.

We have a 19 and a 22 year old living with us. Rent for a one bedroom flat round here (South East) starts at about £1000 pm.

They know they can stay with us for as long as they want - they both work and contribute financially and with chores. We’re all big personalities and sparks fly sometimes, but we’re a good team.

Many friends are in the same situation.

All I can think is that you’re in a much less expensive part of the UK, where it’s still more typical for young adults to be owning or renting by your son’s age. But even so, that he can now save quicker to get on the housing ladder makes perfect sense.

Its none of their business, but i wouI ld have though living at home for 5 or do years on a 'good wage' he should have a good deposit saved by now.

@AlwaysExtraHot I have been with Dh for over 30 years so you just have to know how to answer and what to say to keep it all sweet I completely get where you are coming from though.

Why we told him is because he was asking why he was still living at home. We literally said a mortgage will always be the limiting factor, the deposit gives you more choice in area and houses. We didn't tell him amounts, just reasons.
I know, I'm not trying to suggest that you gave him figures. My point is that with some people, ANY discussion in even this little detail just makes them feel that they can then weigh in with their own opinions and ask more nosy questions.
If I was in your position and someone asked me why a child of mine was still living at home, my answer would be along the lines of, 'It suits all of us for now. Of course things may change in the future. More tea?'

He doesn't know what Ds earns only that he started a graduate job when he finished uni so his salary was a great starting point.

Why we told him is because he was asking why he was still living at home. We literally said a mortgage will always be the limiting factor, the deposit gives you more choice in area and houses. We didn't tell him amounts, just reasons.

We don't even live near him so he doesn't know how much houses cost in our area. However, he did live here 60 years ago when houses cost 5 bob so his suggestions of where Ds could live were about "good" areas from 65 years ago.

We do know what FIL's pension is as he talked about it recently. He knows what SIL earns but not our family.

I think maybe you just need to spell it out for them one last time:
We've told you why he's still living here. Everyone in this house is happy with the arrangement. We are also clear on what your opinion is. You don't ever need to tell us again. In fact, if you bring it up again, we will ignore you, and if you keep going, stop inviting you over all together. Right now you are driving your grandchildren away. And we won't be far behind.
And then after that, follow through. Ignore that topic, and if they keep going, stop seeing them till they get the message.

I can relate to this, ds still here at 28 but away in week.

i get this a lot as well

I’m with your DS
Tell them to fuck off.

You sound like you have done an amazing job at parenting.
Absolutely no one else's business!

Sadly, it seems our parents and those of their generation do this. Speak from their experiences and wisdom from them.

They don't get that things are different; that their children, and now their grandchildren live in a world where things are so different and their experiences are outdated.

My poor children have had to deal with this. And so have I. My OH lives with it. Says it's no use talking to his folk (I admit, the same applies to/with my DM. My DF has always said one has to do what suits one best).

I've been teaching my children that we need to have open conversations to educate others, and it's that much more difficult to have them with people who are certain about their views being the only one. But we have to try.

My FiL said things like boys don't cry, boys don't wear pink, there's no such thing as them Vs s/he. So, I started having discussions around the dining table, albeit only for important things. A discussion about what their parents thought about gay/lesbian or even people who were not from their all-white village got us to acceptance on the 'they/them' label.

You can try. Then clearly communicate boundaries and tolerance on the topic and then enforce them.
This way they know your collective stance.

And that it was and is none of their business.

Obviously, you can do it in a way that suits you best.

I get the same op - there is a very good reason my 27 year old DS is still here. My parents know why he and his girlfriend haven’t moved out yet and are saving up and currently house hunting .

But I still get the “you make his life too easy” thing (which don’t ) Annoying but I just don’t respond now. People need to keep their nose out of others lives.

It isn't anyone else's business .
I would have hated it as a young person ( moved out at 18 ,never went back).
I would never have dated anyone of your sons age who was living at home. Clearly he doesn't feel uncomfortable about it and neither does his girlfriend.

I was married, had bought a house and had 2 small children by his age. I guess times are different.
The fundamental thing is that you are all okay with it. If MIL doesn't like it she can gift him money ( or mind her own business)

Oh, I don't disagree. I just mean, some people, if you give them any info they will take it as an 'in' and start involving themselves.
Best approach, I find, is never to talk about things you don't want people to pick apart.
I'd never have brought up a mortgage, any hint of what the DS's salary is, anything like that.

Honestly, crying about your grandchild making wise financial decisions, because you'd wanted him to be struggling with unsustainable debt in substandard housing instead. Bonkers.

It's not revealing a great deal of financial information to point out what should be utterly fucking obvious to anyone. FIL sounds as thick as two short planks.

Christ, who's got the time for this?!
Next time someone says something, look them in the eye and say, 'I'm sick of hearing your opinions on this. Pack it in.' Walk away.
Let them cry/be annoyed/bitch behind your backs. I'm sure you've all got better things to worry about.

I'd keep telling them to mind their own business. And also let your son deal with it himself, if DDs told anyone to fuck off for saying stuff like that I'd be fully behind their reaction!

I’ve never understood the whole thing around people wanting kids to move out in their early 20s as they are ‘adults’ and society pressurising them to do so. Those kids then become adults who are renting and perpetually complaining about how hard and impossible purchasing property is

He sounds great and so do you. Perhaps a form conversatiom with those commenting about how you actually like your children, they're well brought up to contribute and it's wonderful to be so close.

Sounds like you all have a set up that works for everyone and if they don’t like it they can lump it.
It is not as if your adult son is being mollycoddled, not paying his way and acting like a 10 year old.
Perhaps MIL would rather be living with you and sees this situation as a blockade the longer it goes on.

I think its great you're helping him get set up properly for life... yes your hubby's right maybe say if you can't keep your comments to yourself you won't be seeing us.
How we choose to help our son is our business keep your comments to yourselves I cant stand family for these situations .