Left dsd alone on holiday

It was fine the way it worked out.
You knew where she was and who with and you made a safety judgement call based on that, and the state she had been in just a couple of hours earlier. You knew she she would anyway, be travelling home later. Better to continue on to make the flight to get your four other dc home even if one of her parents had to fly out to fetch her later.

In getting drunk, she was subconsciously pushing you to see where your boundaries lay. Any ‘you don’t care for me properly as I’m not your proper DD’ is rubbish and deep down she knows it.
You acted the same as any other loving mother would act given you knew where she was and with whom. So make that very clear to her.

In that same position, on his own with four other younger DC, your DH would probably have done the same thing. ….maybe with a call to the boy’s parents in whose she was staying, to ask them to keep an eye for her and to let them know of his plans to get her home later when she had sobered up. He could easily have done that anyway, from his home office.

You say your DH likes to be diplomatic … do you mean he is a bit soft with her ?
If so, he needs to wise up.

You also need to ditch your own diplomacy in not letting him know the full extent of her poor behaviour.

So both of you need to wise up before DSD realises she can do exactly what she likes
, when she likes and get away with it, even if it means missing a flight somebody else has already paid for, for her …..and will have to pay for again without any consequence.

You need to tell him everything that happened. Protecting her isn't helpful - she should be embarrassed and be allowed to feel that emotion so she can learn from it and start to grow up. Also not telling him the whole truth simply means your husband doesn't understand how much you had to put up with that week. Plus he is being unreasonable to expect you to have gone round in the morning to drag her out of bed.

I'd also be sitting him down and having an honest chat about his expectations for her now she is 19. Sounds like he babies her. "Make sure she feels loved and included" sounds like code for 'put up with any amount of bad behaviour and indulge her no matter what', which is not helping her to grow into responsible adulthood, or to foster your relationship. A difficult childhood doesn't mean a free pass to be inconsiderate and rude to people. She should be apologising to you and repaying the cost of the extra flight, not walking all over both of you and playing the 'Cinderella stepchild' card.

I can assure you that it can and does happen with ‘biological kids’ of 19 and even younger.

I agree. He can't help her if he's the dark about what is really going on.
It's not being nasty. Its the truth and shouldn't be avoided. He can't see the urgency or the full dilemma if he doesn't know the whole. You can preface this by emphasising that you do love her and you want to help her, but you were protecting him(?) and her by not giving the full story, which is counterproductive.
Also. He also needs to be part of the process, not put it all on you.

Right. Where does he think he would conjure 6 last minute flights at a reasonable price out of the air. And potentially another night’s stay depending how long DSD takes to decide to come home.

I absolutely would have left my own DD behind if she did that. If she wants to stay longer that’s fine by me, She’s an adult and can make her own choices. She doesn’t have to come home with the other kids.

Your DH is just saying that because he wasn’t there. Reality is it doesn’t make sense to mess up getting 4 kids home over one adult.

I'm not sure that you could have done any different, OP. She missed the flight but you saw she was safe and could get home.

I think you were a bit unreasonable to think a 19 year old wouldn’t want to go out partying every night with local friends she knows on holiday. 19 is the peak age for a boozy holiday. Not many 19 year olds will want to hang about with younger siblings if there’s friends, alcohol and parties nearby.

You should have booked a place where you don’t know anyone, if you didn’t want her going out drinking.

I can’t see what the problem is anyway. No one is unreasonable in my opinion. You say you don’t want to tell her dad the full story, you otherwise have a great relationship with her and she’s an adult who can manage travelling home by herself. So what do you want out of this thread?

Exactly,

Did your DH expect you to wait around for your DSD to come back at a time of her choosing.... and book SIX FLIGHTS at very short notice (and probably increased cost) instead of just one? And you might be lucky to have that space on the plane and have the children sitting near you. But at the last minute probably not. How would you manage them all?

He is being completely unreasonable. Its crazy that he can't see that.

Also.

You were'nt abandoning her alone in a strange country, you were leaving her in a place where she had lots of friends and acquaintances.. and where she had insisted on staying.

I think you need to go over her allegations with your DH and point out where they are incorrect.

She clearly needs some support and sympathy, but I think you taught her a valuable lesson. She cannot expect to mess 5 other people around on a whim and hang around waiting for her and it was a salutary lesson that she had to get herself home. (she didn't even have to organise the flight)

If its possible to speak to her, she needs to know that instead of harbouring resentment that young children get more attention than her ( of course they do, they cannot manage without it, she is 19 and can) and telling untruths about you to your DH, she needs to learn to appreciate what you do and have done for her and instead of complaining about how she is treated, to give some examples of how she could treat you better!

Hope you get a chance to have a two way talk with her. I think you did the right thing coming home as arranged.

You have absolutely no information that OP doesn't work...so you are applying your prejudice to this situation.

Even if OP is a SAHM she was working to care for DH's adult child who is in some sort of crisis and their shared younger children...if DH wanted to criticise / do differently he could have travelled and parented when it became apparent his daughter wasn't coping...instead he relied on the free 24 hour cover labour of his wife..OP

He was not a stranger

Yet he is blaming his wife who was juggling all the children alone. How is that fair? I bet he had a great time looking after nobody but himself at home alone.

i bet she didnt tell daddy how she was sick everywhere and you cleaned her up

Oh sorry he wasn’t there! Still, you’ve been through the experience and he hasn’t so imv he’s not got anything to criticise you about

Quite shocked that you left her without knowing if she was okay - you say you called her phone but she didn't answer. For all you know she could have been injured or worse. So for that YABU

I notice that it was you cleaning her up in the middle of the night and not her father. You might point that out to him

We did similar with my BIL (DHs brother so a genetic relative). He got very drunk the night before we left. We tried repeatedly to wake him up (in a different room to us) and in the end made the decision to leave so we didn’t miss our flights. He couldn’t get back for 4 days. 30 years on he still holds it against us 🤣

Yes, she behaved badly, and you should tell her father about that, but I disagree with others on here in the attitude of 'Well she's an adult now'. Yes, she is an adult, but a very very young one, comparatively.

You couldn't have stopped her, technically, but personally, I would have discouraged her. Nothing to do with being a step parent and more to do with looking out for a young woman who's about to go out alone with a male stranger in another country.

Do tell her father everything.

Not in the spirit of 'you have no idea how awful she was ' but in 'Yes, I understand about sensitivity but it is a balance and I worry when she puts herself at risk - for example, drunk during the day, sick , bringing boy back - and you need to work together to support her to build boundaries for herself and keep herself safe.....And tell him that you couldn't go after her...other kids, upsetting for them, 7 yo was already frightened and upset.... (I presume your other kids are his?)

Where would he have put the other kids whilst he was doing this?

You are doing her no favours by not telling her Dad about all of her behaviour. He is defending her without knowing the truth and doesn't know of her behaviour throughout the week. He has been fed a false impression of what happened and is basing his judgement on that. For you it was a cumulative effect of her ongoing behaviour while he is viewing it as an isolated incident and your overreaction.
Of course she should be held accountable. So what if she is embarrassed. She'll get over it. Meanwhile you are covering for her and being dishonest with your husband. Let's hope one of the children doesn't spill the beans.

Totally fine imo.

She’s an adult and surely can’t actually think it reasonable to expect you to have to pay out a second time for flights for all of you because she wanted to have a one night stand

I think you have acted perfectly. You were lovely to her when she was drunk, looked after her and didn’t make her feel bad about it.

But, if she chooses a random shag and not making it back in time over staying and travel with her family, it has consequences. She was safe and perfectly able to get home by herself.

People will witter on about brain development and a 19 year old isn’t able to make adult decisions. But the alternative explanation, and one I believe in, is that if you can act however you like with no consequences, why wouldn’t you?

I would wager that, next time she is in a similar position, she will make a different choice.

I don't think you were unreasonable.
How does you DH think you didn't make her feel "loved and included"
Your adult DSD behaved irresponsibly by not coming back in the morning to go home as planned.

I'd rather be working while having the house to myself than having a solo holiday with five kids.