Left dsd alone on holiday

"Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her."
Well, he wasn't bloody well there, was he? So of course he can claim he would have been oh so much better than you!

That is the sort of behaviour I cannot stand. Delegates the parenting, then bitches it wasn't to his standard. He'd have needed his hard hat on if he'd pulled that stunt on me.

Actually I would have treated my daughter differently - I'd have given her an absolute bollocking for getting so pissed she vomited on herself in front of younger children.

I would also have not let her leave with the boy when we were flying in the morning, even if it meant physical restraint and kicking him out/calling his parents to collect him.

I think you gave her too much freedom but I'm sure if you hadn't, you'd be accused of being a controlling, evil SM.

She knew what she was doing rocking up at the holiday home with a boy at 3 am on the last day. She was pushing boundaries like any 3 year old does, just with added alcohol and stress.

TBH I was reading this ready to assume you were the Wicked Stepmother, but actually, you were quite reasonable. I think a lot of natural mothers would have done the same in that situation. She's 19, not 9, so you could expect her to return home safely and she has. It sounds like you showed patience and compassion without pandering to her.

This.

She's an adult but only just and, on holiday with a parent, I think reverting to a more juvenile mindset is common. I think I agree with your DH that going round to get her in the morning, if possible, would have been appropriate, though appreciate with 4 under 13 that might have been tricky. Did you try and do anything in the morning to get her to the plane on time?

But I think she's kicking off because she's taking out some of her teenage moodiness and possibly some of her trauma on you and is embarrassed about her behaviour. I would give her some time to get over it.

I think this is a tricky age, though, where it's easy for her to start building an ostracized narrative to have something to push all her feelings of inadequacy on as she deals with the transition to the adult world. So I would watch out for anything similar and try and engage in activities with her that have helped you bond in the past to keep up the positive side of things.

She can't have it both ways - she either gets treated like a child and listens to you, doesn't bring random boys home then go back to theirs etc, or she gets treated like an adult. Would she really have been happy with you and 4 kids turning up in the morning to drag her out of the boys bed and onto the plane after a couple of hours sleep and a raging hangover? I think it would have been different if you were somewhere she didn't know but it sounds like she was safe so I think you did the right thing leaving her

I think the fact you were showering her in the middle of the night to get her clean and comfortable after vomiting all over herself shows how much you love and care about her and I’d be pointing that out to your DH.

It’s okay for your step daughter and husband saying you shouldn’t have left her there, but what are they suggesting you should have done? Your options were leave her there and organise (for her) a different flight home, which you did, or not leave her there and have to organise six flights home. Who was offering to pay for those? Does your dsd acknowledge that she knew when she had to be ready and chose to do something else?

It is so so easy to say ‘that was wrong’ without offering a realistic alternative.

OP's posts say her DH was not on the holiday, he was at home.

She's behaved like an absolute twat and tried to blame it on you.

What were you expected to do, miss the flight home with your 4 kids?!

Tell DH that you are never taking her on holiday again.

@squarecow you sound like a wonderful mom to all five of your kids. You’re doing a great job. ❤️

I’m assuming from your post her DF was not with you all?

Pray tell?

I am sure we would all love to be taught how to deal with stroppy-arsed drunk teenagers who have no intention of complying.

Dh ... has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

If he has a problem with the way you handled this, he should tell you straight out so the two of you can discuss it, he understands exactly what occurred and the constraints you were under, you can figure out if there are misunderstandings or differences in what you each expect of the other and agree on how to handle similar things in the future, and there's no lingering resentment or guilt. You had your hands as the only responsible adult on holiday with four children plus a young adult still reeling from trauma; my guess is that you don't have the extra time or energy right now to tiptoe around and play guessing games because your husband's being "off" - if he indeed is!

More importantly, things will probably settle down when you have a chance to talk fact to face with DSD and reassure her that she was welcome on the holiday but your attention was naturally split because of competing needs among the various children including her. Tell her you did think she wanted to be on her own, see her old friends, etc. and perhaps you gave her too much "space" thinking that was what she wanted and needed.

No one here knows exactly what they'd have done in your circumstances because we don't know all the factors (ages of the other children, flexibility of your flights, how far from home, how urgent it was to get home in time, etc.) I think I would not have left DSD after one unanswered phone call - I'd have been too afraid something had happened to her - but I also appreciate that going around looking for her with four young ones in tow might not have been practical either. I do think this was case where both you and your husband should have been actively involved. As it turned out that DSD is safe and able to get herself home safely, in retrospect I'd say you handled the situation well enough and unless there are some immediate concrete changes either you or DH would like to propose, it's pointless to nitpick.

So you all would have taken an 19yo drunk woman with you in the plane, forced her to do so too (even though she is an adult….) knowing her behaviour whilst drunk isn’t great.

I can easily imagine a situation where the dsd would either have kicked or just be a nuisance during the flight.
I can see all the comments from MNtters if that had been the case…..

Sounds like she has the beginning of an alcohol problem. People don't just gradually evolve into alcoholics after years of drinking; the warning signs can be there at a very early age. Some people are just more predisposed to it, and I wouldn't just put it down to 'all teenagers are like that and go a bit wild then get a bit of sense'.

How? She wasn’t answering her phone, she didnt know where she was

Can you link to the bit where she was made to go?

He could make her feel loved and included by actually taking time off work to parent his children, including the 19yo. It’s not just your job.

DSD’s behaviour would be understandable for a 19yo away with friends of the same age. Bringing unfamiliar drunk men back to a houseful of small children is not acceptable.

You need to be totally honest with your husband about his daughter’s behaviour. If her behaviour is trauma related then she needs professional help .

She should have been sent home on day 3,

and obiv you will never take this young adult on holiday with you and your children alone again - her father can accompany her each and every time.

It's a bit shit that her mum isn't in her life and her dad's decided to go on and have 4 more children! I can see why she is annoyed at being made to go on holiday with them, but without him, like some free nanny

You were in an impossible situation @squarecow and you did your best. That's all there is to it.

I'd explain to your DH that going forward, it isn't feasible for you to go on holiday with all five of them, you need two responsible adults there.

She’s 19, she’s old enough to be travelling the world on her own, she’s learnt consequences of her actions.