Left dsd alone on holiday

@PinkchickenwineI would have sent the boy home and told my dd she was not going with him. Even if I had to bar the door or threaten to phone the boys mum in the middle of the night, since OP knows her. Whatever it took really. Anything could have happened to a drunk youngster out with a boy she barely knows. I wouldn't have been able to get on a plane and leave her there.

Give him the details. He's entitled to know what is going on with his daughter.

And tell him that he has no right to criticise given that he was totally skiving off from looking after his children.

That you couldn’t have stopped her and you couldn’t have made her get on the flight?

Well there we have a real issue. What is the blindingly obvious fact you haven't mentioned?

How would you have stopped her?

So she should've taken a taxi with all the luggage and 4 young kids to drag her out of some guys house hungover? Imagine the kicking off she may have done and those kids would have then witnessed her drunken behaviour yet again. Plus if she was in a state still the airport may have refused to allow her to fly at all, then she would have been stuck in an airport whilst waiting to sober up to get on the next available flight.

Tbh I wouldn't have flown home and left my 19 yr old dd in a foreign country with a boy I didn't trust enough to have in the house with my other children. I wouldn't have allowed her to leave with him at 3 in the morning either.

So he doesn't get to tell you how to handle things then he wasn't there he left you to take 4 younger kids and his unruly adult teen out of the country alone. it's not like you could stop her drinking because she's an adult, although she should have known to be respectful enough not to subject her younger siblings to her drunken behaviours, dad can't spout his opinions on how to handle his teenager that he clearly hasn't got any control over either

I’m a step mum to a 21yo and can definitely say that at 19 I wouldn’t have dreamt of leaving without him. No matter the circumstances I would have taxied over there and banged on the door until he got up.

What did you do with all her luggage? Was that with you?

I actually think you did the right thing - in lots of ways, I think you were much kinder than my mum or I would have been in this scenario. If my daughter gets too drunk to get on the flight I've already paid for, I would be incredibly unimpressed. Of course the first priority is her safety and I'd get her back, but she'd definitely be paying me back for her flight!

You clearly love her and want to care for her but she's 19 now and there's only so much you can do to control her. It's on her if she wants to be a 'grownup' now.

Don't worry about it too much, OP. I was exactly like your DSD at that age, worse even, until somehow I managed to do a lot of growing up by the time I was 22. Probably tired of losing all the jobs I had because I was out partying too much to show up for work on time!

My mum left me behind a few times when I was being a right cow, and she was right to do it! (not abroad, but other family holidays in Britain)

The only thing I'll say is that I was partying and drinking too much because I was afraid of dealing with things in my head (coming to terms with being gay, was probably the biggest). If DSD is drinking excessively, you and DH might want to talk to her, see if she needs any help. Once things have calmed down.

Or, she might just be 19, and she'll grow up in a few years!

'What's the big deal with an adult arranging a flight and getting herself to the airport?'

There's no big deal about that. But I'm afraid your question demonstrates that you don't understand the real issue/s here.

Sounds like a typical 19 year old. Dont worry about it.

Awwww bless you all.
She behaved like an insecure 19 year old.
You behaved like a mother at the end of her tether.
All entirely normal and understandable.

Just do lots and lots to ensure she knows how much you love her and this will all blow over.
Give it 20 years and you'll all be joking about the time you left her behind because she didn't get her act together for the flight!

She knew exactly where she was. The boy and his parents house - with whom they are friends.

I had one child and one on the way at 19, she’s old enough to face consequences of behaving like a dick. And why is your dh telling you that YOU could have done more? Where was he during her vile behaviour?

What makes you think you could’ve physically restrained a 19 year old or got the time to xall
his parents (assuming you had their number) before they left?

How?

I think this is fair from him, he sounds like a good dad.

I've not read the updates but, Christ, I feel for you.

That's a really tricky dynamic but, from what you said in your original post, it sounds as though you handled it the best way anyone could.

On the one hand, you were trying to balance a 19 year old who (whilst legally an adult) needed a bit of parenting (a free pass, some love, guidance, understanding, consequences etc - everything you did) against the needs of young children to not be witness to certain behaviours. Thrown into the mix is the fact she's not your biological daughter and, on the basis she's not had her biological mother in her life, she is likely to have some issues coming from that.

I'm honestly not sure what else you could have done. You sound like a thoroughly wonderful individual who was in a situation that couldn't be perfected.

I'm not sure if anyone has suggested this already but perhaps see if you can arrange a special day / night out, just for the two of you, so she can see you want to spend time with her and you can just tell her how much you love her. You don't need to reference the holiday, just reinforce the reality - that she's special to you and oh so loved. She's still so young and must have demons that follow her, which will make these years even harder for her, whilst she finds her way in the world and learns who she is.

At the moment, it sounds as though she's not ready to take proper responsibility for herself and so she's deflecting to the easy source (step-mum). She won't actually mean it. It's an outburst. It just hurts more and is harder to navigate than when it's your biological child telling you they hate you (because they're hormonal and behaving like a Kevin).

I wish I could give you a hug. You're doing right by your step-daughter and that's what's going to stand her in good stead in life.

xx

She has behaved terribly . She is 19. That is old enough to know better than this . It’s her own fault and I’ve zero sympathy. You did nothing wrong here at all

Honestly, is this a big deal? she’s nineteen of course she went out and had fun. Some people her age do go a bit wild with clubbing and all that, it’s pretty normal. But. you were also right to send the boy out and to go on the flight without her. Pretty stupid to get drunk the night before and have a one-night stand.

So, I think you can both get over this.

I was the mother of a two year old at 19. She'll just have to grow up!

You sound like a very loving Stepmum. ❤️ Your husband's an arse.

Nonsense. What's the big deal with an adult arranging a flight and getting herself to the airport?