Left dsd alone on holiday

Why does it matter? Do you want her to say that it was in the evening so that you can tell her that she should have done more?

OP knew how much time she had to get four kids packed and to the airport in plenty of time, and whether she (with four trailing young kids) had time to go chasing after a 19 year old who, going by her past record, would just say "you're not my mother, you can't make me" and cause another scene to upset the younger kids.
Not to mention that who knows where SD's belongings/suitcase/ passport were

OP made her decision, and left a perfectly capable young adult (who would also have OP's friends out there if she needed help) to get herself home on a flight that OP booked and paid for.

If I was a parent in a 'blended' family (I'm not), and my DH took all of the kids abroad on holiday, and returned with his biological kids only, having left my biological kid behind, we'd be over. Sorry.

OP, you’ve said you try to play the role of a mother to your DSD. With that in mind, it’s difficult to understand the decision to leave her abroad and expect her to make her own way home, even if you sorted the flights. If this had been one of your biological children, would you have handled it the same way?

You’ve also mentioned her trauma and anxiety. Those things don’t disappear just because you’re on holiday, and they do affect judgement. Taking five children away on your own was always going to be demanding, and her behaviour wasn’t entirely unpredictable.

I understand why you didn’t want the boy in the house with your younger DC, but once she left with him, she was vulnerable. That’s usually a point where a parent steps in, even if it’s uncomfortable.

It sounds like you were overwhelmed and trying to manage a lot, but yes — the way the final night and the journey home were handled wasn’t reasonable.

She isn't her biological daughter and still took her on holiday!

if the 19 year old came back in time for flight, there would be no issue, her messy teenage behaviour seems to have been tolerated fine. The implied lack of care/attention is strongly coming from the 19 year old, not step mum surely

What time was the flight Op?

DH left you to go on holiday alone with 4 young children and a young adult who has recently been through a rough patch then thought you didn't handle it right? Hmm....You did nothing wrong. Shes an adult. She will, eventually, get more mature, at the moment she's drama queening it (she hates me! She only wants to be with her own children!) And possibly projecting her own feelings onto you.

What would the alternative have been - that you & the other kids had to miss your flight? It sounds like you did everything you reasonably could do and at 19 she is perfectly capable of getting a flight on her own.

I had exactly the same thoughts. If DH had been in the loop before OP and younger kids boarded the plane then SD wouldnt have been able to try and use the "she doesnt love me the same" approach.

I do wonder how OP would feel if the roles were reversed and DH left one of her biological children (in exactly the same circumstances/age) without informing her of it the night it happened or the following day before flying. I think that would be my only slight gripe if it was my OH to be honest.

I agree @Greengage1983. I'd be in exactly the same position if DD (21) decided to stay over with a lad and missed her flight. I could do absolutely nothing except ring her in the morning and hope that she met us at the airport.

We can't go over to someone's house and drag another adult out of bed to catch a flight, I doubt that it's legal!

I think you gave her too much freedom but I'm sure if you hadn't, you'd be accused of being a controlling, evil SM.

She's an adult. She can come and go as she pleases, you can't just physically restrain another adult from leaving the house!

I think as long as you rang her the next morning a few times to try and make sure she was awake then my conscience would be clear. Crap outcome but probably a good learning opportunity for your step daughter.

Sorry op but I probably would have attempted to stop her heading back off with the fella when she was intoxicated and you knew you'd be flying in a matter of hours.

I think yes she behaved unreasonably, it sounds like she may have had her reasons for that but still unreasonable. But at the core of this it sounds like you've got quite a vulnerable young woman struggling with her mental health and misusing alcohol and there's no way I'd have been comfortable leaving her behind so I would have stepped in before she left again with the lad. Obviously you may not have been physically able to stop her but I do think at that point you should have tried.

I’m not sure what anyone expected you to do? Drag your other 4 kids around to go and find her, possibly have them upset some more? Or leave your 4 other kids by themselves while you went looking for her?

You were stuck between a rock and a hard place and DH is being entirely unreasonable.

Shes 19 not 9 and sounds like she needs to learn some responsibility.

How selfish.

I cant believe any mother would put 1 grown-assed adult's wants above 4 little kid's needs, just so she didnt have to tell her H "no one was left behind" .

You're financially well off then?

Yep. No-one left behind.

Well, that’s what I would have done. I can’t imagine getting home and telling Dh I’d left his son abroad!

It sounds like everyone you and DSD know (except your DH) was on holiday with you. Do you all decamp en masse to the same resort?

Anyway, YANBU. She's 19. Did you try to call/text her before you flew home?

It wouldn't matter if you were the actual saint of stepmothers, there will always be a significant proportion of mumsnetters who would insist you were the devil.

Good grief, you were showering the vomit off this girl, while your own children were distressed. And if you'd risked missing your flight to try to find her, your four kids would have been so stressed. But they don't matter to those posters.

Your SD was old enough to get herself on a later flight. Your young children need you to get them home. And who the heck had the funds to lose money on the booked flights and book six extra last minute flights (so expensive, and difficult to book together) and almost certainly extra accommodation?

You did what anyone with any sense would have done

Your DSD and DH should be apologising on bended knee for all she put you through while away! Good grief, she sounds a total nightmare! You absolutely did the right thing prioritising your other children. At 19 she should be more than capable of realising if you want to be on the plane you need to get to the airport…

Did he know you were coming home without her or did you just arrive home without her?

Best hot slut era...

Cracked me up!

Totally agree but it's not even just the airfares. Inconveniencing four younger kids, potentially having to book another nights stay or delay the travel time so be hanging around at the airport, additional cost of airport parking etc. It's not ideal to leave one behind but that was the choice she made a d as a PP said there are 19 year old backpacking around the world at that age. DH can criticise but I'd love to know how he actually would have handled that situation if he was alone and dealing with it. Also did he have to work or is it more that he chooses not to go on holiday so OP either has to sort it and go alone, kindly taking her SD along, or miss out? I know that's a bit of a stretch and might be unfair but I know quite a few blokes who are like this.

She’s 19 and living her best hot slut era and even missed a flight because of it. Have a laugh about it when she gets home and I’m sure she’ll get over any grudges.

I've experienced this more leniency with my own step sister when I was a teen. At almost 17 I was basically grounded for coming home late whilst my step mums 12year old had to be dragged out of her mates drunk snogging the face off a 19year old lad but nothing was done after the next day she was allowed round the same friends again to hang around these older lads. But my stepmum and my dad wouldn't budge on my grounding

She is loved & included. You’ve done nothing wrong. She missed the flight & is feeling sorry for herself. You were right to get home.