Left dsd alone on holiday

I think this was a lesson DSD needed to learn. She wanted to spend a night with a guy and prioritised that over getting home safely and didnt set an alarm clock or didnt care and probably expected someone to do everything for her. Very often in life if you are irresponsible, you have consequences for that and hopefully she will in fitire rememebr to not get drunk the night before she is due to leave.

She obviously knew when the flight was and missing it was her fault, not yours. It was ridiculous to expect 5 people to miss a flight because she didn't have the self discipline to do what she was asked to do and sleep in her own bed for the night and get up on time.
She wasn't stranded in some strange foreign place on her own. She was in a place she knew well, with people she knew well, including the family where she spent that last night of her holiday.
I don't think you did anything wrong, aside from arguably being too tolerant of her bad behaviour, but you were in a difficult position.
You talk about your "small children" a lot, and say that they are under 13. A 12 year old is not a "small child", so maybe don't infantilise them.
I think DH needs to have a serious talk with his daughter about her behaviour and sense of entitlement.

You aren't being unreasonable but just looks like standard teenage behaviour so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

I’d have done the same thing under these circumstances. Your dsd knows people over there on holiday at the same time as her. They possibly helped her. At least, I hope the guy she stayed with did.

The sd's behaviour was inappropriate all around. It wasn't meant to be a party trip with girlfriends. She was selfish and rude.

Just read your posts . "lovely girl" or not getting drunk, throwing up, swearing around young children, missing a flight home - not lovely behaviour is it? But what got me through teenage years was your child needs you most when you like them least".

Her dad needs to get her some help. I'd have tried to stop her leaving with the boy the night before and given her a clear warning then that she could miss her flight home. What happened to her luggage if you checked out of the accommodation?

You sound like a wonderful mom & stepmom OP and your dsd is very lucky to have you in her life. It sounds like a brief chat to reassure her and clear the air might be in order.

OP, have you asked her, in your shoes, and considering her four young siblings, what she would have done?

Wow she is 19, an adult. Knows how to play the victim card instead of owning up her poor behaviour

The one thing you haven’t indicated is where the country / place is you left her in relation to your joint home. I think leaving a 19 year old by themselves in another country is quite a big deal - less so if it’s Western Europe to the UK. It also sees insane that your DH sent you away with 5 children (I do see a 19 year old as more child than adult).

Was dad not aware what was going on well before she missed the flight? It's one thing for him to have left you managing 5 of his kids alone on a holiday abroad. If he has to work then he has to work (I guess?.....) but why weren't the 2 of you communicating regularly about this clusterfuck? If he thought that you shouldn't have left dsd was he willing to fly out to wait for her to show up? Was he online every second trying to work out how he was going to get 6 people home from presumably a popular holiday destination in the middle of the school holidays? What exactly did he expect you to do and why wasn't he communicating this to you well before dsd told him her sob story about you being a wicked stepmum?

This dynamic is all kinds of wrong. If you pander to it then dsd will retain the emotional maturity of a petulant 9 year old for the rest of her life and you'll be left cleaning up her shit. Do not let them deflect any blame onto you for her poor choices. Tell her and her 'dad' bluntly that you did what you could to put up with her crap and accomodate her, she gave you no such respect back and this was the consequence. She's an adult now and well into FAFO territory. You will love and support her as much as you can but you cannot and will not always protect her from the consequences of her choices. You won't be taking her on any more family holidays alone either as she's made it a miserable , unsafe and stressful experience for your younger kids. A holiday is a privledge not a right especially when you become an adult.

Put your foot down OP and set rock solid boundaries for you and the younger kids or you might have decades more of this and much worse.

You sound like a very caring and level headed step mum OP, not really sure why you’re getting shit on here for your post.
Have you spoken with your step daughter about why you had to go, that it wasn’t punishment, you had to get the other kids home and didn’t have to option of going to get her and it’s not like she didn’t know the flight was happening. Assume you’ve paid extra for her replacement flight too?
there’s nothing wrong with having boundaries, she surely can’t expect to come on holiday where there are young kids, treat it like a girls holiday and expect to be treated like a young child too in that you make sure she’s at certain place etc .
i wouldn’t give it much more energy, just make sure she has the clear message that there are and haven’t been any hard feelings on your part and you love her dearly and that’s that, move on, keep showing up for her, it will be fine I’m sure x

The operative word is 'kid'. Nineteen-year-olds are not kids and it is not in anyone's interests, including theirs, to treat them as if they were.

I was a bit of a party hearty girl as a teenger/young 20s. I would never, never, never, never, never, never, never have behaved badly around children or brought a scumbag back to where I was staying.

She's completely in the wrong and has been incredibly fortunate you have been so unbelievably kind and understanding.

I'm so glad you went home without her, please never ever subject your children to her horrible, dangerous behaviour again, she doesn't get to be around them on holidays until she has learned not to drag randoms back to where you are staying, vomit all over herself etc.

And your DH can apologise to you for daring to harass you about your incredibly compassionate response to her and should be far more concerned about the safety of the younger kids.

Don't waste your time trying to convince mumsnet, if you did all they say and your DSD came here to complain they will still call you an evil step mother and say you're not her mother etc.

You cant win, and frankly I wouldn't be travel with her when your DH isn't there to parent her.

How did you make all this up 😂. What did you read that suggests she was nanny to the other kids? And how do you know when was forced to go and didn't want to join them.

If @squarecow decided to only go with her 4 kids she would be accused of excluding DSD because she isn't her child.

And how dare OP go on and have more kids????

At 19 this is a lesson she is definitely old enough to learn.. I was doing this much younger! She sounds quite immature and I think you did the right thing. I think when she’s home, go for lunch and tell her you do care about her but she is 19! I think you sound lovely. My mum has never helped me shower when drunk 🥰

Quite right. You sound brilliant.

you have to tell him her behaviour. You took dsd and 4 younger children on holiday solo and was up helping her shower in the middle of thr
night with little children woken up and crying. of course you got on that plane with the 4 little dc!! Tell dh everything and if you don’t have his full backing she just can’t come with you, it doesn’t work.

She’s 19. She’s an adult. She made her bad choices.

Why must so many posters infantilise “young adults”.

The alternative is hunting down a hungover teenager/YA and rebooking flights for everyone. Unless OP is made of money it's unreasonable to expect her to reorganise everyone.

She made sure she got home and if she's old enough to go off in the night on her own then she's old enough to get herself to the airport and sit on a plane a few hours. Many 19yos go on holidays with their mates, and she's treated it a bit like that with her behaviour.

Sounds like the lad is well known to the family so I'm not sure lock and key is appropriate, least of all because she could go off to university and get up to all sorts of antics with random other students, and certainly wouldn't expect OP to be walking through Pryzm at 3am to make sure she doesn't make a drunken mistake. She's 19 and she's entitled to make mistakes.

Agree with everything you did OP.

It must have been hard to leave her behind but she's an adult. Also fair play taking 5 kids on holiday on your own and it's a shame the eldest was the most difficult.

She behaved like many 19yos would at home on weekends but it's important to have a chat with her about safety overseas such as drinks being spiked, stronger drinks, and going off into the night when she's not as familiar with the area.

I would probably ask her to pay towards the replacement plane ticket if she's got a job. It doesn't have to be the whole shebang, but I would expect her to pay some of it back as she's an adult and OP you shouldn't be footing the bill.

It's a shame that rather than embracing the lesson, she has made herself into a victim to DH. You said there's some history of trauma, and not taking care of her personal safety and being impulsive indicate that she's possibly needing some more boundaries in place on family holidays as well as professional help.

DH needs to back you on this and quite frankly treat you to a spa day for taking all the kids abroad on your own.

Agree with others you should let 19yo know you love her unconditionally and that won't change when she fucks up which will happen. She's possibly pushing to test if you will abandon her or if you'll stick around even if she's difficult. It's important she knows she's a permanent member of the family and no amount of messing up will mean you turn your back on her.

Good luck OP. She sounds like she's probably a good kid but is just going through a difficult teenage/young adult phase.

Make sure you talk to your 7yo again in the aftermath about what he witnessed, it's worth revisiting it in a few weeks once the dust has settled to check in with any anxiety he might have going forward.

You’re right that you can’t physically prevent a 19‑year‑old from going off with someone. That’s not realistic. But you can manage the situation so the safest option is the one they’re most likely to choose. In my own family, I’d probably have let the boy stay — with boundaries — because that keeps everyone under one roof and allows me to protect the younger children and the vulnerable young adult. The issue isn’t “stopping” her leaving; it’s making sure she isn’t left alone and unsafe afterwards

@Bellabeth80 How could the OP have prevented her adult DSD from going off with the lad and missing her flight though? I don't think that she could have tbh.

She really needs therapy.

I actually think it was a good thing you left her, she is an adult and you knew she was safe with people she knows. You have maintained a boundary that the holiday doesn’t revolve around her.

However with her past history, getting drunk is opening a way into her deeper emotions which she really needs help for.

You obviously care for her. Maybe remind her that love and care isn’t about being a pushover it’s about teaching and maintaining respect and balanced care across the 5 of them.

She sounds so lost inside.