Left dsd alone on holiday

Yanbu she's 19 not 9. She chose to leave and not be back on time for the flight. She needs to hold herself accountable for that and stop deflecting onto you to avoid doing that.

Oh, FGS, at 19 my dc was well able to navigate a flight home alone.

I would be very straight and direct with your DH , tell him exactly what transpires and tell him you will not be guilt tripped.

However, I might have called him in the middle of the night before the flight with a 'just to let you know....' call

He might have been able to talk some sense into her and get her to come for the flight. And then he would also have been involved as someone she paid no attention to.

It sounds like she's embarrassed about her behaviour and possibly a little insecure, so is doubling down to check with her Dad how angry you are with her. You helped her shower vomit off her and tried to call to leave for the airport, I'm not sure how your actions weren't understanding or loving. Where was her Dad in all this?

You know that you wouldn't have left her if she was your biological daughter. And she knows that too.

They’re her half siblings aren’t they? Not that it makes any difference to the holiday behaviour.

Did you speak to your dh at all during the holiday to let him know how she was behaving?

Which is what most sensible people would have done. What was OP supposed to do - have her and her four young kids miss their flight and then sit around in the airport. in the hope DSD would turn up later ? She’s an adult, she knew when they were leaving and she chose not to be there to catch the flight, having ignored OP’s calls. Much easier and cheaper to rearrange a flight for one person than six and DSD has learned a valuable lesson - FAFO.

I wouldn’t take her away on your own again. What a mess. You’ve done more than enough, of course you had to leave as scheduled with your children! No good deed and all that, he can piss off if he thinks you’ve done anything wrong.

I think you managed it perfectly. You knew she was safe and with someone you knew. You’ve sorted another flight home. She’s 19.

Could you chat with her in a casual way, laugh about how you did stupid things at 19 and it’s just a part of growing up. I remember talking to my (much older) sister about something embarrassing I was cringing about. She just laughed and said ‘that’s what your 20’s are for!’ It kind of made me realise to stop talking it all so seriously.

It sounds like she’s trying to make it a bigger deal by running and moaning to her dad. If you act like it’s just something silly she did and her dad backs you up by pointing out she was the unreasonable one it might make her grow up a bit.

You think the OP should have prioritised a grown woman, who knew perfectly well the flight times, over her 4 children??

Way to go enabling bad behaviour

Nope, she's an adult (albeit a young one, still adult), she repeated a bad decision after fucking up once, and she knew she had a flight to catch.

I would have done nothing different. And unless you had super flexible tickets, rebooking 6 flights as apposed to one for a twat that fucked up would be a huge cost I would imagine.

You flew off and left her behind?! 😵

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted that he feels I could have done or at least he would have done more to be understanding and make her feel loved and included, and also that he wouldn’t have gone home without her.

Cheeky beggar. He should be falling over himself to thank you for everything you did for his daughter!! How dare he even give the slightest hint you could have done more - am astounded at his gall.

No. In real life too. He wasn’t there, didn’t see the behaviour so doesn’t know first hand how OP coped. He’s now implying that she could have handled it better, seemingly based more on the word of his DD who was the actual cause of the trouble, than OP who was dealing with it alone. A quiet word with his DD about her behaviour would have been more appropriate than picking apart how OP responded to the issues she caused.

So what exactly would her DF have wanted you to do? Lose the airfares for all of you? Are you that well off? Your DSD has behaved abominably: she knows that, and so does your DH. She is trying to make out that it’s your fault when it isn’t, and he’s trying to minimise his DD’s appalling behaviour. Just ignore - and next year, insist that DSD goes on holiday with DH rather than just with you.

Oh @squarecow your DH would've dealt with it sooo much better if only he'd been there, disappointed DH face, sadly clicks mouse 🙄🙄🙄

Several things here, you've been away as a solo parent (for the purposes of this holiday) with 5, count'em! kids and young people. You've done really, really well. It's sad that your DSD has had a difficult couple of years, I hope she's starting to recover.

You gave her freedom and tried to trust her judgement as an adult, and this is how she used it. You can reassure her of how much you love her, but she was indicating that she wanted to be treated as an adult. You can guarantee if you'd babied her she would be furious about that too.

Let it settle with her, your DH should have your back here. Have a chat in a week or so's time when the dust has settled. Good luck to you.

And once again, you took 4 children and and a young adult away on your own - I'm applauding!

Does the OP work and earn money?
is the OP using her leave to enjoy her “holiday”?
Was the OP the one dealing with a nightmare situation?
Does the OP deserve criticism for dealing with that situation?

I mean really, you’ve assumed that this man is the some bread winner? Even if he is, the OP is contributing a hell of a lot to the family and the OH should be backing her 100% with her decision.

All of us need to accept that other people will form opinions on us based on our behaviour. Her mental health struggles aren't a get out of jail free card for this normal human process.

In the long run I wonder whether she should be drinking any alcohol. I honestly think that there are a subset of people that shouldn't drink it at all because they can't do it in any sort of moderation and it ruins things for people around them.

He wasn’t there. Fairly clear from the OP.

Dh is disappointed in her behaviour but has hinted [...]

@squarecow is he hinting to you or to DSD?

If to her, that is totally out of order, he is undermining you.

If he is hinting to you, tell him that you need to set aside time to discuss this whole situation properly, because it needs to be out in the open. He needs to tell you exactly what he thinks you have done wrong, and what he would do instead, in detail, including (if he wouldn't have left her) how he would have paid to have flights for the whole family re-arranged.
'Hinting' is cowardly and corrosive. You have to guess what he really means if he is not saying it clearly, and it gives you no chance to respond.

The problem is not you but your SD. At 19 she is an adult and she has taken no responsibility for her behaviour.
She got drunk and upset you and her step siblings.
She turned up at your accommodation with a random boy and had a tantrum and stormed off.
She has disrespected you and her step siblings. Her behaviour has frightened them and she has let them down.
She is more crying to her Dad and doing the poor me routine rather than accepting responsibility. The consequences are totally on her. Do not allow her attempts at deflection to succeed. Do they really think that you and the other children should have changed your flight to accommodate her tantrum and bad behaviour? Time for her to grow up.

At 19 it would've been almost unthinkable to go away with my parents on holiday. I either went with friends or a current boyfriend if I had one. I was making my own travel arrangements with my own money and my parents mostly didn't know anything about it because I was living a separate life as an adult.

I think too parenting at opposite ends of the spectrum - young adult and small children - is going to be difficult, and your priority is naturally the younger children who need more direct support and care giving. It’s not about love so much as safety and practicality. It sounds like she’s putting herself at risk too and maybe a conversation about your worry for her might help?

Can’t believe the dad is getting blamed here. He was at home working earning money to provide for the family. Only on Mumsnet…

I think the only thing I'd change is perhaps telling her very clearly that I did not want her going off with him on the last night. But her choice, her consequences. Not your fault.

From your account you did nothing wrong. You tired to call her etc when she didn’t arrive back. What was his suggestion to make her feel more included? She’s a bit old to be this irresponsible but she’s obviously got trauma. I think your tactic of not shaming her and also allowing her some freedom to make her own mistakes is good.