Left dsd alone on holiday

I’d be honest with your DH about exactly what went down on holiday. Don’t spare her blushes, he needs to know. He can only respond / react based on what he is told. He is also her parent and needs the information to parent effectively

Your DH needs to know exactly what you had to deal with as DSD’s behaviour was awful. Never mind whatever trauma she’s dealing with - at this rate your younger children are going to be damaged by her scary drunken antics. You need to have a difficult conversation with DH about what happened and how vulnerable DSD is making herself by being completely out of control.

I don't think I would have handled this any differently OP with my own DD.

She needs to understand she is 19 and should be responsible enough to understand what time she needs to be back in order to catch the flight with you. What did she expect you do - rearrange all of your flights? That sounds pricey. She's lucky you could afford a separate flight for her.

I would have a 121 chat with her explaining you love her but she put you in a very difficult situation on the last night of a holiday and also at a very stressful point when your were trying to get everyone ready. She needs to take some accountability for her own actions here.

She isn’t a child anymore! She is a nineteen year old woman! It was her choice to go out drinking, come home late and leave with a boy and miss her flight the next day. I think you’ve actually taught her a very important lesson.

At 19 my dad would’ve done the same. It’s not like you stranded her with no flights or took her passport. Some 19 year olds are a year into uni and living independently.. she now knows that her terrible behaviour has consequences.

I'm assuming this is a second home / holiday home as there's no mention of checking out etc and OP says they're regulars. There's no mention of bags being left or anything.
So is not like she's just abandoned her with nowhere to stay in a place where she knows nobody

I'd be explaining everything that happened to your DH, he might then understand why you couldn't bring her home while looking after your younger children.
If she's willing to behave irresponsibly - being pissed in the daytime and swearing in front of her half-siblings, then she needs to holiday with friends of the same age, not little kids.

She should be upset and ashamed of her own behaviour.

Realistically no one is going to want to drag a load of younger kids around on a mission to rescue someone with a self inflicted hangover.

We were at a family wedding once and left ds behind because he didn't get in till 5am and was still asleep when we had to leave to catch the train home. He was 19. All our equal biological children. If the other 4 of us had missed the train it would have cost a fortune to get home.

I think your dsd is clearly in need of lots of extra support but in the moment you did the right thing. How were tou supposed to go and collect her with 4 other kids? I guess you could have gone in a taxi and gone in to the house while the other kids were in the taxi but that would have been awful and embarrassing for her too.

No win situation really. I think you did fine.

Ha ha hilarious! Sweet..

Some step-parents probably do treat their step-kids differently but there’s every indication here, from what we are told, that the OP has had a good relationship with hers. Even now, after appalling behaviour by the sd, she is attempting to protect her from embarrassment about the whole
sorry episode.
I have some antennae waving about the dh’s “we need to be more understanding/sensitive” spiel. That “we” is doing some heavy lifting there, I think, as an attempt to be diplomatic.
What he means is “you.”
Why?

Of COURSE not. It's never said out loud. But we see it here all the time. And in real life.

Can you make me do that? Anymore than you could make the DSD get on the plane? 🤣🤣🤣

You flew off and left her behind?! 😵

Seems perfectly reasonable, seeing op had all the other kids to deal with and SD knew there was a flight hhe following day AND is an adult and not a 13 year old child.

Consequences for actions have played out for SD. She is safe , flights are sorted and SD is being dramatic with the 'She hates me' spiel. Dh is also a div for not standing up for his wife and should be telling his daughter she acted like a clown and at 19 she isnt a daft kid anymore.

You know that you wouldn't have left her if she was your biological daughter. And she knows that too.

If my son had done this at this age I 100% would have left him. Absolutely no doubt. He had most of being an absolute knobhead. He would have been more than capable about sourcing a return flight and paying for it and his dad would have backed me up. I guarantee I would get an apology from hom. Maybe not immediately but once emotions had calmed down.

Firstly I do not think you’ve done anything wrong. Secondly she is clearly really hurting and that wound of having a mother reject you (her birth mother) is clearly impacting her. It is probably hugely effecting the relationship she feels able to have with you.
I would a) tell her you were so sad to have to leave without her and you are mainly just worried for her.
b) try to persuade her to go to counselling and pay for it (or get dad to if you have separate finances).
c) continue loving her in amongst this emotional mess which isn’t of your making. That’s really tough but will pay dividends in the long term.

Projecting what? I am all ears!!

Exactly. And it wouldn't have happened with a biological kid. People can deny that but hey people will deny all sorts.

She's trying to deflect the embarrassment and consequences from herself to you, it's textbook, classic and a real shame but it isn't surprising. Just calm state as such to her and your DH, that you understand she probably feels bad and that it wasn't a good situation,but neither was it a good situation for you and your smaller kids and it was all of her own making so you had to priorotiese the young children and not the adult child in that moment.

If she has the agency and freedom to make those choices, she has the agency and freedom to come home by herself, on a flight paid for and organised by parents.

Whatever the merirs or demerits of OP’s decision in the moment the 19 year old is struggling and this is just one stop on a long road.

OP I am sure you know this but she needs therapy and special, trauma focused handling. You did everything right for her as you would for your child and clearly love her. But she is struggling with her traumatic experience, liss of her biological mother, perhaps terror at aging out of your household and loving care.

She drank and partied to excess. It doesn’t matter that this is common for 19 year olds in the UK for her it has a different meaning snd significance. Because it estranged her from you and her younger half siblings. Because it put her at risk of assault while drunk. Because her drinking made her unable to catch the plane. Because your leaving her, while quite appropriate, made clear to her that as a new adult and a step child she would be abandoned and not fought for.

I wouldn’t have left my 19 year old in a foreign country if I didn’t know exactly where she was and that she was safe. Btw.

Oh dear - stand down.

I've seen threads where someone's been treated differently because they were a step and this isn't one of them. The OP had 4 younger children to consider and the price of multiple rearranged flights here.

Well neither of her parents took her on holiday at all so OP is already out parenting them. You’re projecting. It happens a lot on any thread about blended families. Having a go at OP isn’t going to make you feel better.

I think most people are saying they would behave the same way regardless of whether stepchildren or biological children.

The main point is that this is an adult who is capable of making her own decisions.

ETA: actually has anyone said they would treat a stepchild differently?

Ultimately you’re agreeing that you would’ve if possible done a couple more things and then left her!

Rather than id have made her get on the plane! You wouldn’t and couldn’t!

Keep digging your comments are here to be seen!