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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not going to DB’s Wedding - AIBU?

35 replies

Toobloomingtothink · 13/08/2026 00:17

I’m eldest sister of 4 siblings, approaching 50s, married with adult kids now. I left my parents aged 19, to study/work and get on with life and happened to live a few hours away. I have lived far from parents and siblings for nearly 30 years now, and would see them 2-3 times a year during school holidays. DB1 and DB2 live near my parents and have supported them with a family business and other issues. Younger sister died a few years ago. I have tried to stay connected with all of them because there have been many upsetting events in the family, that I have been a worried and given a listening ear to all as often as I could.

I’ve pretty much got along with both brothers, I’d call them every few days until over the last year, we have been bickering like hell, and in recent months I haven’t wanted to call them.

I had managed to keep my view of DB1 private (that I think he’s an arse for his 1st wife and 2 kids leaving because she found out about his double life - mistress who he had managed to have 2 kids with), also that his name was in the businesses so the wife came after my parents’/collective family wealth. DB1 has been feeling bitter (his mistress and kids also left as she became aware of 1st wife and kids), blaming everyone else/playing victim that he never loved 1st wife for several years.

DB2 and I had a good relationship until he started to also get bitter because he felt entitled to a large sum of money he had borrowed from my mum that he had changed his mind to give back. He has been restructuring my parent’s surviving assets into company ownership with self and wife as directors. Both brothers have been bitching about my parents and had wanted me to support them in their ‘takeover’ of everything owned by my parents. They became closer with one another over the year as their conflicts with my mum became more intense. I felt uncomfortable with the blaming that while I resisted getting involved they managed to rope me in by being very rude/swearing at me - accusing me of being far away and so never having had the stress they had. That’s fair - I haven’t had the same stress (I had had different stresses) but I have cared/worried and regularly checked in. Despite being persuaded to take DB2’s side that my mum should not expect her money back, he was still very disrespectful to me.

And, DB1 had been shit-stirring and turning DB2 and his wife against mum (by sharing things my mum had said in confidence and passing about DB2’s wife, in a twisted way with her), which I did find very curious and confronted him that that was not okay. He was very playground bully in his behaviour towards me, dismissing and degrading me, not explaining what had happened but just shutting me down with swear words (he was likely embarrassed and unable to explain why w/o seeming like slime).

Both brothers remind me of the Tate brothers, they’re very chauvinistic in their attitudes towards how great they are ‘as men’ stepping in at the 11th hour when my father has created crises in the past - only now they have also been belittling my work, academic achievements and dedication to my own family unit.

DB2 recently announced he’s getting married. I went to the engagement. I saw him since then and he was completely rude to me again. His wedding is on my wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks. While my mum is pressuring me to attend, I don’t think he deserves my presence. I can easily be unable to get out of a booking I made for my anniversary. My kids are welcome to go to the wedding and see their cousins.

I’m unsure how to play this, because mum has requested that for her milestone birthday we all go abroad for a week in a few months time. I was hesitant to do this as I don’t think I can endure 2 very immature/badly behaved idiots, but nonetheless booked under pressure to take my OH and kids, and plan to keep busy reading/typing for my PhD. I don’t know DB1’s 2nd wife, and imagine her curiosity will be piquing about my behaviour, especially since DB1 has such a big twisted mouth.

AIBU to not attend DB1’s wedding?

OP posts:
SereneFinch · 13/08/2026 07:59

Depends on what kind of relationship you want with them going forward. Which is a big question.

ExtraOnions · 13/08/2026 07:58

You seem very bitter, and I can’t quite understand what about.

You moved miles away, your brothers have supported your parents on a social and business level. They are now restructuring assets (one would think to ensure the right legal stuff is in place of either of your parents become seriously ill or die)

They seemingly got your parents out of a bind, when your Dad made some poor decisions.

Family Business can be really tough, due to the line between what’s right for the business, and what’s right on a personal level.

They have had to deal with a lot of stress that you have not. All families can say unkind things in the heat of the moment .. I love my siblings dearly, but I still moan about them to my husband on occasion.

The turn of phrase “he doesn’t deserve my presence” says far more about you than anything else.

YellowIsTheColourofSunrays · 13/08/2026 07:54

Not going to the wedding would be the nuclear option there's no going back from. Not going on the holiday would be less terminal.

Also avoiding people at a wedding is far easier, particularly if they are the ones getting married as they'll be busy. I'd go to the wedding as a placeholder/peacekeeping but be very Switzerland about it all. I'd rather pull my fingernails out than go on holiday with your brothers though.

Pancakeflipper · 13/08/2026 07:47

I think.I would go to the wedding to support mum (if you get on with her).
I'd tell mum.you cant do a week away with brothers so will take her away for a few days and plan a really nice treat.

sparrowhawkhere · 13/08/2026 07:39

From another side, how would they view things? You’ve been far away from your parents for the last 30 years and although you’ve been supportive as you can be, they’ve been there for your parents physically. Worked in the business and been in your parents lives daily/regularly. They don’t sound nice people but is the inheritance partly they feel they’ve the one whose done the practical support for the last 30 years with your parents?

I don’t think it being your anniversary is a big deal but I know some people celebrate anniversaries more than I do. I wouldn’t go on the holiday but I think it’s a shame to completely miss the wedding, especially if your children are going.

Rocknrollstar · 13/08/2026 07:38

LadyMinerva · 13/08/2026 04:24

Just because you are related to them doesn't mean they automatically deserve your time or energy. I wouldn't go. And I would remain very LC or even NC with them for the remainder of my days.

And i would have a separate holiday with your mother for her birthday

Genuineweddingone · 13/08/2026 07:32

You seem like the family go between which is basically the scapegoat. I have the same in my 'family', all my achievements minimised, my life always being put down so everyone else somehow seems to be better than me.
I did not go to my brothers wedding a few years ago because he and his now wife both completely ignored me three days before their wedding and openly had a family meal out that me and my son were excluded from. Looking back I should have cut my mother and sister out of my life then for not calling him out on his revolting behaviour of me but years of being treated like I am a second class citizen prevented me doing so and I spent weeks crying about the whole thing. If I had my time again I would still not go but I would call them out for their destructive behaviour and in your case not go on the holiday either.

Tamtim · 13/08/2026 04:54

If you end up going on the holiday, will you OH have your back if your brothers are rude to you? I wouldn’t go to the wedding or on holiday and would explain why to your mother. Go no contact with your brothers and stop calling or taking their calls.

Jellycatspyjamas · 13/08/2026 04:43

I’d have a think not just about the wedding but how able they seem to “rope you in”. It sounds like generally you’re struggling to hold your boundaries with them and then end up frustrated when you end up going against your own feelings about them. You need to find a level you’re comfortable with and stick to that, if that means not going to the wedding that’s fair enough. For the holiday I’d look for accommodation nearby so that you have somewhere to retreat to when they feel too much, explain why to your parents, they must see the behaviour you’re talking about.

LadyMinerva · 13/08/2026 04:24

Just because you are related to them doesn't mean they automatically deserve your time or energy. I wouldn't go. And I would remain very LC or even NC with them for the remainder of my days.