AIBU to think my 11-year-old is not to blame here?

Definitely not your 11 year old to blame. Your eldest child at their big age, should know better than to behave like this.

Your mum and her blatant favouritism is a different and bigger issue. It’s very possibly already driving a wedge between all of her grandchildren and her judgement is impaired by it. I wouldn’t trust her to treat them fairly.

FWIW my ex in-laws clearly favoured my eldest over her brother. Luckily for my children it didn’t drive a wedge between them
but it has permanently damaged the relationship they have with their only grandchildren. Both children noticed and distanced themselves.

I don’t like the comments calling OP’s eldest a nightmare, nasty or awful.

He is 13 and did something silly while messing around with his sibling, while I agree he is to blame for the accident that is all it was, a (preventable)@ accident. Most siblings have inadvertently hurt their siblings at some point, it’s not like he’s a psychopath that wanted his brother to get hurt I'm sure.

Christ.

ASK the kid if he's apologised and check with your 11 year old too!

Sorry, but you really need to do some parenting here, big time.

Sounds like a stupid accident to me. Neither is to “blame” but they should be reminded that their silly behaviour led to a bad accident.

Are they all at your parents for the forseeable?

Because at 13, I wouldn't be punishing per se. I would be coaching and agreeing consequences. " i can see you're quiet so I know you know how.serious this is. Why did it happen and how will you make this right?"

However I've been coaching this since toddlerhood so it's not a cold start for a teenager.

Does it have to be anyone’s fault? Sounds like typical siblings winding each other up which has unfortunately resulted in an accident.

If he deserves punishment, which he clearly does, you punish him and ignore what your mum is saying. Why should she have any role? I'd say to him that you know he feels bad so you've left it a bit as you know he never planned for his brother to get hurt, but he needs to be punished for locking him in and doing nothing about it when he knew he was frightened. Rhen apply the appropritae consequence (nothing too harsh as ultimately it was an accident). And ask him to apologise.

Your 13 year old was being a dick but he couldn’t have known that your 11 year old would smash the glass. If the 11 year old had waited or gone out a different way, nobody would be making anything like the same fuss now.

Tbh, I would expect an 11yo to not panic or do something as insane as push his arm through a glass pane.

I would also not expect my 13yo to not be a bully to his younger sibling.

In my house, these are the sorts of things that children do, because they lack common sense and the ability to think straight. They’d both need to learn different lessons, and both not be so stupid in their different ways.

As for your mum’s favouritism, that’s a separate conversation. It was your 11yo’s fault in that he did the action and is old enough to have known better; and not your 13yo’s in that he wouldn’t have thought that pushing your arm through glass is what would ensue if you lean against a door someone is trying to use to get out. It’s not like the house was on fire. So in this instance, I think your mum is probably right but that doesn’t mean she always is, clearly.

I would be going absolutely nuts at the 13 year old. What a nasty thing to do.

You are the parent, stop letting your parents get involved. Tell them to stop and you are dealing with the situation.

go home.

It shouldn't be hard at all! Where is the advocacy for your son who is hurt??

Had he actually locked him in? Why is it seen as favouritism for 13yo? Is there a possibility she sees that you favour the 11yo? Why have your other children been brought in to voice how awful the 13yo is? Were they involved?

When it first happened my 13 year old was extremely quiet for the rest of the day and feeling bad I think he has apologised, but there hasn't necessarily been a punishment. It is hard to do so when I have others influencing that he is not to blame!

Oh don't be so ridiculous.

He's YOUR son.

He locked YOUR other son in the kitchen and this led to him being injured.

Just bloody punish him like any other parent would.

You don't need anyone else's input.

And what do you mean "I think he's apologised"

Is this a wind up?

Agreed. And he should pay for the repair.

Your 13 year old was stupid
and stupidity can lead to accidents - this one did
he needs to hugely reflect on what his actions resulted in
he is entirely to blame
however he is a child and he can and should reflect and never do anything like that again

Of course the 13 year old is to blame, he was bullying your 11 year old.

Yanbu.

Your mum needs to give her head a serious wobble and your 13YO need talking to about his actions. The favoritism is horrible.

I'm glad your 11YO is okay - this could have been very serious and potentially devastating. Your 11YO likely struggles with critical thinking when faced with an emergency and I think someone needs to educate your mum about ASD pronto!

Hmmmm. If you think about it, your DS11 is now assessing his behaviour in that moment- he panicked and the result was severe.

In life he will encounter many other issues. It’s fantastic that he has insight that - in that situation he panicked and it may help him in future to see that that there could be alternatives.

Is it his fault though? No of course not! SN or no SN, we have all been in situations where we have panicked and it’s led to a worse outcome.

Tell him there’s no blame. Tell your DM there’s no blame. He’s a child that’s really suffered but is clearly a clever young man to recognise how his panicking has impacted him.

Don’t let him take any blame but don’t dismiss his critical thinking that will help him in the future.

I would give both children a severe dressing down. 13 year old especially.
I would the apologise to your parents for the damage, including aplogies from the children, and make both children pay for it from any pocket money.
In addition, I would point out to the grandparents that they should not favour one child over another in a mixed setting.

Bullying supported by dgm?
Wow.

Jesus that could have been really bad, thank god he's okay (mostly).

I'd be absolutely furious at the 13 year old. What has been their punishment for this?