AIBU to think my 11-year-old is not to blame here?

I once broke my brother's finger and ripped off two of his finger nails, we were at a neighbour's house and he was chasing me (game) the way their downstairs was set up you could run from the hallway into the kitchen across the back through the dining room into the living room and back into the hallway, like an oval/circle. At once point he nearly caught me and I slammed the door behind me catching his hand in it. I was devastated there was a lot of blood. We both got a talking to (after the hospital) for games going too far and not being safe and someone inevitably getting hurt.

If your 13 year old was messing around I don't think he could've predicted an 11 year old putting their arm through a glass window in a door. I have a ND husband and child, they do still need to learn to manage reactions and behaviours. I would talk separately to both

Your example has the same outcome but a totally different cause. Incomparable.

OP my parents used to call what my brother did normal sibling stuff. It wasn't. He was older and bigger and bullied me horribly. I see it as abusive and 40 years later still see them all as culpable. I moved past it because I'm a happy adult. But it was abusive.

'I dont think he is at fault though at all.'

Not every child who is locked in a room would push their fist through a glass door. He had other options. So, he isn't totally blameless here. I do get he may not have thought them thru in the moment.

Your 13 year old started a chain of events that weren't totally foreseeable - so he did not think things through either. But it's unfair to pour all your blame on him and totally exonerate your 11 year old.

AI just echo’s your own thoughts back to you, so I wouldn’t take notice of that tbh.

Surely it is equally both of their fault.

People saying it’s the eldest who pushed him to do it but we don’t know the reasons why the eldest closed the door on the first place - perhaps DS was winding them up or hitting them etc.

I do think you need to be careful you’re not favouring your younger DC, which is why your mum favours your eldest, especially as you say they have different dads and the younger one is ND - I can easily see how the eldest may have felt pushed out.

If this was the real world and they’re older, your younger one would not get away with criminal damage just because someone wound them up.

But it was a silly sibling squabble and they should both apologise for their actions in it and pay for the repairs and then it be done.
It was just an accident and neither should feel too bad about it.

You don't need AI to confirm your feelings. I am telling you your feelings are correct and your mother is a dickhead (sorry for my language) but she is showing blatant favouritism and those kids will not forget.

Thress guesses at which kids won't be visiting the battle axe of a 'nannor' when she is in the nursing home?
Yep, these old trouts forget that they will be older one day and these kids won't forget it.
I would be limiting or stopping time at 'nannors' until nana can behave like a grown up.
@vulpix123

if it’s anyone’s fault it’s your parents for having single pane glazing in their home that a child can put their hand through

In my house the oldest would be in big trouble. I tell them when they're fighting to never push a door closed on someone or hold it closed on someone trying to push it open - that people can get very hurt by doors slamming or pushing open unexpectedly.
I know they didn't intend for the younger one to be hurt so badly, but their poor choices did lead to it. Hopefully they've learned their lesson.
I'd be very clear to the 11 year old that it wasn't all their fault but that they need to be able to better manage their reactions and make better decisions. That's not blaming - I have a high functioning AuDHD kid - but they need to learn how to manage a situation like that so they don't hurt themselves again.

In the nicest way why is your mum anywhere near any of your children? She sounds totally toxic. She spoils one child, blames another and excluded another. I'm not sure what she's like with your 9 year old but I'm guessing that's not a good relationship either.
Your mum is totally out of line and I would go low contact with her. You need to protect all your children from her.

This is a complete re run of what happened to my husband after his brother locked the glass door whilst they were chasing each other around. This is over 60 years ago now. My husband bore the scars of running through the glass till his dying day. There was no apportion of blame, they were both stupid.
it just shows that kids don’t think things through, even if supervised I doubt whether anyone could have foreseen their actions.
Both your lads are equally responsible.

Your poor 11 and 7 year old, those kind of comments about them being like their (presumably not ideal) dad are so damaging esp compared to her idolising the eldest. She’s being really unkind to all of them in different ways.

I think the correct thing to do would be sit down quietly with the 13 year old and speak to him like an adult - I know you didn’t mean for X to get hurt but you knew you were trapping and scaring him, and you know the kitchen has a lot of dangerous things in it even forgetting the window. The end result is really bad but could have been so much worse and your brother could be in hospital or even dead now because of the situation you created. Thank God he’s not. But you’re a teenager now and old enough to see how scary that is for all of us.

Get him to apologise to his brother for frightening him, and keep them ALL away from your mum for at least a week to allow a reset and hopefully for her to learn a lesson about supervising the kids. They’re YOUR kids, you love them equally and the situation with her needs serious change.

I hope your little boy recovers quickly.

No.it isn't. Others can think and say what they like but you are the parent of both children and what you say hoe's. If the 13 yr old were mine he would be paying for the door to be mended, even if that means he dies jobs around your house to earn the money. Whatever was he thinking? And where was DGM in all this, if she was oblivious to the uproar in and around her kitchen? I could have understood her not knowing, if the boys were up in a bedroom but most kitchens are pretty central to the house.

Don't let your mum near your kids.
She is messing with their heads.
It's cruel what she said to 7 yo and it's cruel blaming 11yo when he has had a terrible day because she wasn't watching him.
Your oldest son will grow up entitled

Quite frankly I feel for all your children because this dynamic will not help any of them in the long run and certainly won’t make for happy families when they are older.

you need to take control of this now. The 13 year old needs a proportionate punishment, privileges being removed including being away from the gran for a reasonable period of time so she doesn’t undermine you on this. What if your 11 year old did hit an artery and bleed out??? He needs to understand the full consequences of his actions and your mother need a bloody big head wobble about the favouritism thing.

your 11 year old needs tlc and support because what happened is traumatic and frankly anyone would do the same as him (a family member shoved their hand and arm through a door window when we had a fire - even though it was unlocked. It was a fight or flight response and absolutely reasonable given the circumstances.

your poor 7 year old… for this you should be limiting contact. The emotional damage this behaviour causes to children is undeniable.

are they staying with her? Is she local to you?

you are the parent, time to step up and take control.

I can't quite believe how passive you are about your own life and your own children.

You're posting like it's out of your hands. Grow up and sort this out.

You need to stop this now. She is doing damage by her favouritism and you need to step in once and for all.

Firstly your parents need to get safety glass in their doors.
Secondly imo your eldest needs to spend less time at his grandparents as It’s making his behaviour worse because he knows he’ll get away with it.
I would tell your dm that if she wants to see her favourite dgc then she needs to treat them all the same.
And the eldest would be lending all his tech to his 11 year old db for 2 weeks as reparation.

It was your 13 year old’s fault (obviously he would have intended for his brother to get hurt) and not your 11 year old’s.

Your 11yr old may have been clumsy and overreactive. Thats an accident

And it was only as a direct result of his eldest sibling being a bully. He tried to frighten his brother and succeeded with dire consequences.

You need to tell your DM that you want 13yr old to grow up to be accountable. That this was nasty, dangerous thing for 13 yr old to do.

I hope hes embarrassed and apologies to his brother.

And if your mother cant treat them equally or blames 11 year old, I wouldnt have them over there unsupervised

It is hard to do so when I have others influencing that he is not to blame!

You're the parent here. What you say goes. You have the final decision, not your mother who plays favourites and you know it. Of course he's to blame. He's 13 and old enough to know not to do stupid shit like that to his siblings. Your mom left them alone, that was some shit supervision there.

Read up on the golden child dynamic. That's where one child or grandchild is favoured over all the others, that would be your mom favouring your 13 year old, and there's usually a scapegoat that gets blamed, that would be your 11 year old. It's an extremely damaging dynamic.

As someone who had this exact thing happen to them at age 13, your 13 yo is to blame. This was a half glass door I went through. I have a very prominent scar on my chin and my wrist. I had to have glass removed from both areas and the cut on my chin was curved with a big portion of skin hanging off. It also made anaesthetic tricky so I ended up having some stitches without it. It was horrifying. Your 11 yr old needs to know you have his back in this moment. His brother needs to apologise to him in front of you so you know it has been done. You 11yo needs to know he wasn't at fault. And your 13yo needs punishment. And keeping away from your parents while said punishment happens so they cannot undermine your decision IMO

You need to advocate as you have been for your 11 year old. I still remember my sister locking me in an outside toilet at our Grandparents as there was a bolt on the outside of the door.
I was beside myself and hysterical by the time they let me out, my sister got told off but I also got a telling off for making such a fuss as “I should have known someone would have let me out…”
I was about 6 and I still remember vividly the injustice of it now despite being in my 40’s.
If his brother hadn’t been blocking his exit he wouldn’t have put his arm through the glass, I hope your eldest realises how lucky he is that his brother was quickly patched up and will be ok, and I would be telling your Mum that if she can’t see why the eldest was at fault she won’t be left in sole charge of them.

I still remember my Dad doing this to me in a darkened kitchen and the house we lived in would mean / estimate my age as under 8, I was petrified. Not the 11YO’s fault at all. I think you need to be angrier with the 13YO to be honest.

Your parents are to blame as they clearly weren't watching them.... especially as I imagine they would have been making some noise during the incident.