AIBU to think my 11-year-old is not to blame here?

Have you absolutely bollocked your eldest for locking your panicked son in the kitchen? I don't mean consequences of no screens etc. But made it absolutely clear that he has crossed a line and you are pissed off and it is completely unacceptable?

What a dreadful shock and accident. Your 11yr old must have been so frightened.
I would not allow my 13yr old to go to their nans. Sounds like she doesn’t really help with childcare for the others anyway, so keep them all at home. Either they are all treated well or none of them are. It will severely damage your children’s relationships with one another and possibly you if this is allowed to continue.
Your 13yr old physically abusing his brother and now causing an accident that could have killed him would have me coming down on him like a ton of bricks for the spitefulness. He needs to actually apologise, think about what he has caused and have distance from your mother.

I think this is probably close to my thoughts- though to be fair I’m not sure an 11 and a 13 year old should generally require close supervision- I know I was not aware of every movement of, or altercation between, my DC’s at age- I’d hear plenty about it afterwards, sure- but I would not always be supervising them at that age.

I think you need to be wary you are not blowing this up into something it’s not because you feel defensive towards your son as a result of your mums attitude towards it. It does sound like it was an unfortunate incident, with a serious outcome (injury) but it was not necessarily foreseeable that this was the outcome of what your eldest did. It was not your 11 year olds fault- he did panic and did not take the alternate route out or wait it out- he was either upset or angry (or both)- whilst I’m not suggesting what your 13 yer old did was particularly nice, I don’t think he intended or could have foreseen that the outcome would be his brother putting his arm through a pane of glass.

Your 13 year old has not been horrific or deliberately hurt his brother- yes he needs to learn from it, but it sounds like unintended consequences of stupid teenage nonsense rather than malicious behaviour. Honesty, unless there is a background of horrible behaviour that concerns you more generally, I would chalk this up to being a serious but unfortunate incident.An apology given, yes, but I don’t think he is some emerging teen delinquent based on this one incident. I wouldn’t heavily punish him either, unless there are further background incidents and issues not mentioned in the post.

You don’t mention what was happening before- they could have been messing around and your eldest took a step too far, or they might have been winding each other up all day, or your younger one might have been doing equally silly things beforehand and it’s just that he got panicked by this particular thing (not being able to open the door). Or it could just be your eldest being a bit unkind and winding up his brother-I think all of my siblings would do petty things to wind each other up from time to time. I know my DC did too. I think if he’d done this and the outcome had been nothing more than your son being upset- you’d probably have told the older one off for being thoughtless and moved on (if you’d even found out about it). As it was not inevitable or likely that this would have led to injury to his brother, I think that should be borne in mind.

With what?? At that age it would be the mother paying

It sounds like horseplay gone wrong as is so often the case
kudos to the eleven yeat old for having the maturity to reflect
The only one not to blame is your mum who shouldnt have to supervise eleven and thirteen year olds for them not to smash windows and land each other in hospital

YANBU The 13 year old should pay for the damage.

How far away does your mum live? It sounds like you need to stop the children going around there.

Tell him he is not to go running to granny every time he is justifiably punished, and if they buy him things to make up for it, those things will be confiscated also.

They are both children. It was an accident neither would have foreseen. Both should be told off for being silly. They should apologise to each other and your mother for behaving as they did but 13 year old should not shoulder the blame for an accident. You could discuss how consequences of messing around can cause serious harm but also insist your mother drops her attitude about what was an accident neither could have foreseen.

Is your mum generally truthful? Was she fair to you and your sister, growing up? We don’t know her, lovely. So sorry you’re so upset by this; it’s been a while and it’s awful you’re still so worried. Focus on the good stuff xx

Have you got kids of 11 and 13. You really shouldn't need to be constantly hovering over them at that age.

I would be absolutely gutted that your 11 year old has been so seriously injured, in pain, still recovering and scarred for life. In no way would I remotely suggest that in any way he was to blame. It would never have occurred to me that I would have to supervise children aged 11 and 13 in my own kitchen ! They would be playing out on their bikes unsupervised if they lived here. Your 13 year old was well out of order and needs to be told how his stupidity has harmed his younger brother, and apologise profusely !

I have read the full posts you’ve made and to me it reads as though you have expressed negativity about your eldest lad. Just my opinion. Good luck.

Yes he was/is vile, I'm 38 next week and still wont look him in the eye or speak to him. We live a few miles from alder hey but was rushed into the nearest (adults only) hospital and a surgeon flew from London by heli to operate, if I'd have gone to Alder hey childrens hospital to be operated on I wouldn't be here.
You've had some really horrible replies on here. I don't think you favour or blame either. It was an accident, your 13 yo didn't think I'll lock him in so he nearly severs an artery and your 11 year old im sure never for a second though about it, its natural to push the door before trying another way. But it's an accident that could have been prevented had your 13 yo just not done it, it's not blame it's a fact. My mum is the same as yours and my only support out of my home so I have to put up with it and its just a horrible situation.
Sorry to hear that 😞 it will be a long recovery for him fingers crossed they can sort it quickly.

Okay but you're the parent here, not your mum stop blaming her - if your mum isn't capable of looking after them, then they don't go there without you. And have a stern bloody word with the 13 year old that bullying his younger sibling is not on.

To add, when I say put the incident in the past obviously the wound is still healing so I know you can't put that part in the past. But the time window for punishments/apologies etc is probably past. I hope his arm heals well and the doctors goes OK.

I wonder which child you favour? You seem very negative about your eldest lad. Sad situation.

Would she still be blame him then 🤔

playong devils advocate a bit would you still blame the thirteen year old in that situation? I would hope not because it would be a very damaging thing to do. However fortunately your 11 year old didn't hit the artery or die so it's not as serious as that. In the situation as it stands I think the 13 year old is for sure more to blame but also I don't think it makes him evil/a bully. I wouldn't personally want to dwell on it with him for a long time after the event. You said he was quiet immediately after and you think he apologised. He should have apologised then and if you were going to punish him it should also be then. But hopefully you aren't still holding it over his head now. It was a stupid thing to do but it's over now.

The 11 year old isn't to blame..I think panicking was a natural reaction. But while I don't think he should blame himself, him reflecting and saying he should have stayed calm/done this differently isn't in itself a bad thing. It shows capacity to think about and learn from a situation.

I agree it sounds like your mother has favourites.though. But for this particular incident given it happened a while ago, I think as far as the children go you need to put it in the past.

@vulpix123
You let your eldest know that you know what consequences his actions caused to his brother; supposing he'd severed an artery?
You tell your mother that your eldest was to blame and he may be her favourite but isn't she a grandmother to ALL of your children?
And even the youngest two ffs knew/figured out he was in the wrong
I personally would demand the eldest apologise, to his brother and mean it
And I would then tell my mother the eldest did what he did knowing he'd somehow not get the blame and its time the scales fell from her eyes in assuming the eldest is a latterday saint when I reckon he'd push it with second son again if thought he'd get away with it. Id keep an eye out I would, entitled bully up behind his grannies petticoats right there

No your 11 year old is not to blame at all.
This happened to me when I was 7 except there was a full grown adult man in his 40s on the other side of the door. I did hit an artery and amazing im still alive. I can remember the paramedics telling me to stay awake and he was somewhere in the room to saying is she going to die? I thought she was just wanting to shake hands dont know why she had to push so hard..... whilst I was dying though. Nobody ever told me it was ny fault except him and to say I despise him for it would be an understatement.
Your poor boy has been very lucky although I'm sure he doesn't feel it. Hope he recovers soon xxx