AIBU to think my 11-year-old is not to blame here?

A 13 yo knows exactly what their doing! His not a baby

Id say it's your older child fault ☹️ what a arsehole to do that to his little brother

You said earlier that your eldest two don’t listen to you, but do listen to your parents, which is why you sent them there. I understand why you did that, but in my opinion this was a bad decision. If they don’t listen to you now, you potentially have a big problem on your hands, and you have got to step up and address this right now - it is going to get extremely hard. But if you don’t, you are going to have at least one out of control teenage boy that you can do nothing about.

I don’t know how you have ended up in this position, but it won’t have come out of nowhere. Start off by not letting your mum undermine you anymore. Of course the kids won’t listen to you if they go running to Granny and she contradicts everything you say! She isn’t going to change, so you need to cut her out of yours, and their, lives. It isn’t a healthy relationship anyway! There then needs to be consequences for any and all bad behaviour, strict ground rules that apply to everyone in the house, and don’t accept them just not listening to you!

if you don’t step up now, your 13 year old will make ALL your lives miserable.

I’ve taught mine since they can walk “WE DONT PLAY WITH DOORS!” (especially bloody glass ones), mine are younger than yours and no one’s perfect, but at 13 I’d expect more, your eldest sounds like he was being a dick

Six children, five of which with a man that was damaging to you all in your own words. I can only imagine the example that this step-father has set for your eldest boy who is now a teenager and getting to grips with all sorts of things.
Locking a sibling in a room is pretty much standard horseplay and your son wasn’t to know his sibling would panic.
Stop blaming your mum and your son, and just concentrate on raising your six children.

You have said that your mum is the only support that you have but her support actually makes your life worse. She is an extremely bad influence on your eldest child as she allows and even encourages him to despise his siblings and she appears to positively dislike your younger children and demonstrates that dislike every time she sees them.

Wouldn't your life be easier and calmer if you stopped seeing your mum and stopped letting your 13 year old go to her house?

Clearly not so, in this case.

A 13 year old closing a door on their sibling is hardly evil behaviour is it, it’s within the realms of usually sibling horseplay. No one could foresee the 11year old would put their hand through a pain of glass . Honestly the amount of focus this thread has on “blame “ and finding someone to blame is absolutely ridiculous.

@vulpix123 your 13 year old needs grounding for a substantial amount of time. If getting away with doing odd jobs he's being paid for its not really reinforcing actions and consequences. It's not unusual for grandparents to favour the eldest grandchild. And if your mum is flagging the 7 year is old is rude could she be right?

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Your mother is at fault. I would not be allowing her to babysit at all considering she doesn't keep your children safe and has a clear favourite you have argued over.

😆 I mean.. all he did was close a door and stop his brother from opening it. Sounds like perfectly normal sibling behaviour. Mean and very silly but he couldn’t have possibly anticipated that his brother would overreact and injure himself. It’s an unfortunate incident that I’m sure they both regret. It’s important not to blame either one, but take the opportunity to explain to both of them why such behaviour is unacceptable.

“He has autism”

”My mum also says my 11 year old doesn't read the room and have good social cues when he is not wanted etc”

Does your mum have any understanding of what having autism can mean? If a child has difficulty with something you help them if you can, don’t you, you don’t just complain about whatever it is.

There is no blame for any of the children, fgs.
It was an accident that children could not have foreseen.

The mother is to blame as the children were in her home and in her care.
I'd be raging at her utter lack of supervision and control

Disgusting ageism and sexism?
I also swore! 😆
🍿 ❄️ 😎
Have a great day 😉

Since your mum isn't a babysitter I don't know why you let your children around her. She seems a bit evil and narcissistic

100%

Wow! It is shocking that you think a 13 year old can't and shouldn't take responsibility for their actions.

What difference does it make what your mum thinks? You’re the parent- discipline as you see fit. Her opinion is meaningless

It doesn’t matter what your mum thinks OP.

Your 13 year old was unkind shutting your younger son in the kitchen, and I would want to know WHY he did it before I decided what to do about it. Your youngest putting his arm through the glass was not really a foreseeable consequence of what he did, so I would give whatever consequence i would have doled out if he had shut his brother in the kitchen without the dreadful outcome.

This isn’t your youngest child’s fault and I would make sure he knew it wasn’t. However, he wasn’t in actual danger from being shut in the kitchen and his reaction turned the situation from not-dangerous (although upsetting and unpleasant) to extremely dangerous. So it’s a good thing that he’s now saying he should have kept calm, because that will help him stay safe in future. You can reassure him that he isn’t to blame while still acknowledging that stopping to think ‘am I really in danger? What’s the safest way to get out of this situation?’ might be helpful.

Edited to say: I think it’s also really important to drill into your eldest that you do not mess around with doors, EVER, and this incident proves how serious the injuries can be when you slam doors/shut people in etc. I know so many kids who have broken fingers, damaged fingernails etc after getting them trapped in doors, my own included 🤦🏼‍♀️

I have kids these same ages….and my 11 year old is also autistic!

The 13 year old has picked on a disabled child and now appears to be getting away with it?
This is the trouble when the eldest is grandmas favourite!!!!

Personally, I would be punishing the 13 year old and removing all electronics until he can act his age….
and we wouldn’t be going to grandmas anymore if she isn’t able to properly care for them due to her favouritism.

Blaming a child for panicking is unreal, especially when that child has diagnosed disabilities!!! I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous!

How did this event even come about? Where was Granny while the 13 year old was acting like a bully???
I would be telling grandma that it doesn’t sound like the kids are receiving adequate care or attention there and that both her behaviour and subsequent reaction are totally inappropriate.

Good luck. I know teenagers can get silly but the 13 year old acting like a class thug is not good for your family dynamic at all. None of this is helped with nightmare grandparent attitudes of course,

Hope your little guy is ok and the teenager understands the seriousness too.

🌻🌸🌼

I disagree i think its the 11yo. He put his arm through. 11 is old enough to know glass is breakable.
The 13yo is at fault for shutting him in there. But context is important - are they frequently messing with doors?
or does 11yo overreact a lot due to asd?

This
why was it even allowed to happen
in work in a hospital and used to be an A&E admin and you’ll be lucky if the on duty social worker isn’t called for an injury like this to be honest.

Tbh it sounds like they were both to blame. Both should have known better. Both messing about and being silly. It sounds like 11 year old completely overreacted though and maybe your mum has a better idea as she was there. It is very annoying when family members always seem to blame one child but make sure you don’t go the other way to compensate.