AIBU to think I can do two weddings in one day?

I'm glad to see this update OP - it's the sensible decision and the one DH and I would have made (and probably would still make, though the presence of kids makes it slightly more complicated!)

I think that’s a really sensible decision

I think it would be really rude to accept the invite to a wedding and then dash off after the ceremony to attend a different wedding. Just pick one and send your apologies to the other. I'm sure whichever wedding you decline will be able to fill the place with someone who wants to stay for the full event!

This is what I would do

@bakingdisasterqueen Part time attendance is not really attending though is it. It’s cutting and running and then arriving late after the ceremony.

No, trying to cram two in will just result in a rushed day thats not respectful to either. If you have already accepted an invitation, then thats the one you should honour. Go to that event, have your mind and attention fully on that one, and be respectful of the fact that this is a huge event in the couple's lives. Insteda of sitting there watching the clock and trying to figure out when you can safely leave and race to the next one. As long as you decline in good time there is no offence given, particluarly if you explain you have already accpeted a conflicting invitation on the same date. Oooh and aaah over the pictures later and send a gift.

You decline the second as you have prior plans. It’s totally fine to do that. If they really wanted you there they would have let you know the date well in advance of the invite coming in.

I agree both is rude. OP you said you’re a people pleaser so i get this feels hard but it really helped me when i learnt that being straightforward actually pleases people the most. Rushing about missing half of two weddings but leaving both parties to pay for you/ take up a place is likely to be the opposite of pleasing people.

Depending on your relationship with your friend I’d confirm that you’re invited to the service and not just the evening.

If you are go to that all in - you’ve rsvp’d
if wedding 2 is important to DH he should go solo.

Either way tell everyone asap

You may even be doing them a favour, plenty of cousins/ family & partners are obligatory invites tbh or at least or lovely to have but not priority. Frankly some of mine it would have been a relief for them to decline as I wouldn’t want them not to feel welcome, but it’s hard whittling down guest numbers.

I have a cousin who is always trying to fit multiple events into a day and thinks he’s doing it all and is just so cool and buys but frankly it’s just rude and annoys everyone.

The OP was really looking forward to going to both weddings, she and her partner want to attend both weddings.

I agree, that’s why people send a save the date much much earlier that is basically an invitation and asks for a response ! That’s what we did and a lot of our friends too… the postal invitation which went out much later was just a formality really (bit of a waste of money with hindsight like many wedding aspects!)

@minipie 6 weeks is very very late now. Most people need to get drinks and menus sorted and seating plans much earlier than that! DD sent hers out in May for responses by 1 July. Wedding and party both in November. Most people need numbers pretty early these days unless you are having burgers and chips at the pub for 20 guests.

Well you surely have saved the date for them?
Decline the second one.

I'd be really annoyed if one or both of you came to my ceremony and wedding breakfast (i.e. the expensive part of the wedding) and then left to go to an evening reception. Pick one or each of you go to separate weddings, don't make it awkward for the couples to have to pretend they are ok with you mixing and matching.

Go to the one where you're closest to the Bride and Groom.

Outside of immediate family and very close friends people don't really care if you go to their wedding. They're busy with other stuff, they're not worrying if a cousin they barely see turns down an invite. They'll just invite someone else to fill the space. Decline on of the invitations quickly and clearly so they can fill your seat.

Don't kid yourself that either party will be crying into their wedding breakfast that you weren't at the wedding!

What is the actual relationship with the family member?

Go to one each.
It’s more your friend by the sound of it and his family
Not ideal but not a disaster
Of course one might not go ahead so you’ve hedged your bets!

One friend and her BF came to our ceremony and reception and left early to attend the evening do of another wedding. These things happen when you are in your Four weddings era. I wasn't pissed off, I didn't think they thought the other do would be better or that they were using us for a free lunch. They were doing their best to be in two places at the same time.

A few years later I had to decline an invite I'd already given a verbal yes to on the strength of a save date as my little brother chose the same date. Some times you can't just say yeah sorry I won't be at my brother's wedding because my DHs friend has already booked the same date.

Have you replied positively to the save the date?

I don’t agree that it’s not a proper invite - traditionally invites are only sent out 6 weeks ahead, some people stick to that and obviously send their save the date much earlier. IMO it is meant to be taken as seriously as an invite!

I think you should stick with the first one. If it’s a close family member of DP’s though I’m sure the first B&G would understand if he goes to that instead, maybe joining you later. I don’t think the two of you should mix n match, especially you as it’s not your family member.

You just pick one, it would normally be the first one you have accepted.

Is there any chance one of them will only be an evening invite, as if so just decline that one.

I think you should both decide which wedding is your personal priority and then attend that one, even if that means you attend your friend’s wedding and he attends his cousins.

Whilst it would be nice to go together attending bits of each wedding is likely just to annoy both couples and could come across very rudely.

I think it's fine. I'd rather someone came to part of my wedding than not at all!

I don’t think you should split the day or even talk to them about it. No one is going to say they aren’t okay with you faffing around but you’ll likely offend both of them. Whereas a polite decline can’t be offensive - particularly if you either tell the cousin you already said you’d go to the other wedding or tell your friends there’s a family wedding you can’t miss. I really think you should pick one and not talk to either of them about it - no need for any drama!

I'd go to the friends wedding and decline the invite for the cousins wedding. In the nicest possible way, they're not going to be overly concerned if an invited cousin and his wife decline, they won't be expecting every single invited person to accept.

@HidingintheClothesPile It doesn’t please anyone to bail out of a wedding or join another one late. Who means most? Who do you know better? I’d probably say no to the relatives. Doing both is the worst of both worlds. Even DH bailing from the relatives wedding is a rude. Eat the meal and go? It’s pretty poor.