AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

He needs to learn a valuable lesson in respecting his mother. Misogyny is unwelcome.

He's only just an adult, the break up is very new and he is absolutely not the right audience for this at this time. Its not just the OP who has been hurt by the breakdown of her marriage, its the children too. Not her fault but why seek to make it worse?

This.

I also think you may have overlooked exactly how much his father has been influencing him. His father was a liar and a cheat... I think the comment about blended families and you dating was influenced by the Dad and he has wound the son up about it.
The same issue - why did he stay with the dad in the first place?
Was it because he was sold a sob story. "I didn't want this, its your mother who is breaking up the family." And he felt sorry for the Dad?
He is the oldest so maybe he experienced more the happier times and remembered his dad in a better light and believes him as he sees him more now but sees little of you
Was it because he wanted to stay in his old neighbourhood/school/friends?
Or wasn't there enough room in your new place for all of them?

It could be a mixture of all those reasons.

He's reached out to you several times, which was a mature thing to do and you rejected him - No doubt your ex made the most of that. You made him think that the things your ex says about you are true. None of this is his fault.

You should have offered him a place on the holiday, it doesn't matter what the justifications are for not inviting him... or not tackling your DD about the graduation. He may not have accepted either invitation, but it would have eased his pain if you had offered.
But his words to you.
"you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

He couldn't say it any plainer and its heart breaking "no family and everyone hates me. I'm the outsider"
You have to act quickly and be as warm and welcoming as possible. Family therapy too.

As for the comments about dating and how you should tell him firmly this and that .... Really? This is not the time to start arguing about that.. Especially as you've said you don't want to date at the moment. Its a sign that he's worrying about what the future looks like (no doubt egged on by Dad). And its a valid question actually for him to ask you. If you were dating I'm sure you'd tell the others.

Cross that bridge when you come to it, after you've re built some bridges with your son. You need to start including him again. But be prepared for some rebuffs, which you've already done to him. You will need to perservere

Disagree. I think this is is great message to send him. He’s an adult and should understand his mother’s feelings matter.

Yes of you want to totally destroy the relationship between you do this. Also, keep on punishing him for living with his dad. 🙄

No one has said he’s right. Not utterly condemning him for a couple of comments he made when in emotional turmoil isn’t the same thing as saying he’s right.

He’s a 20 year old with little in the way of life experience, dealing with the sudden break up of the stable family he had always known. Even with life experience and emotional maturity, few people would be able to navigate that perfectly. OP is the established adult and parent here, but instead of extending even a modicum of grace towards her child she punished and continues to punish him for not ‘siding’ with her, as if her children should ever have been required to take ‘sides’ at all.

@Pherian Where have you got all that Facebook stuff from?

I think you are both being unreasonable.
I am also a child who’s dad cheated and I far from condone that but they’re still your parent at the end of the day so don’t take it too personally that he chose to stay. I get along far better with my dad than I do my mum, always been a daddy’s girl. 20 is not a mature adult. I was 19 and looking back it really affected me more than I thought.

You are being unreasonable by ignoring him. You should have had a conversation about how it is unacceptable for him to blame you for breaking up the family and you don’t accept that.
You could have extended an invite to the holiday on the condition that everyone is on best behaviour re arguments etc. and if it went tits up - you’d have known for next time.

He is unreasonable for thinking he can dictate what you do with your life going forward. You were wronged and not the one to break up the family. If you choose to move on with someone else, he has no right to have a problem with that and it’s up to him weather or not he chooses to be a part of that. He also seems to be emotionally manipulating but that be from immaturity. The woe is me, I have no family, you have disowned me. I worry for his future partners tbh.

This whole situation sounds incredibly toxic. Leaving comments like that on Facebook wasn’t him saying he wanted to be invited - it was him taking a chance to publicly humiliate you.

I wouldn’t invite him and in fact I would remove the comment off your Facebook and restrict his ability to comment on your posts. You can change settings.

If you want to try and bridge the gap between you - do not do it on Facebook. Send him a message and ask to meet just you and him for coffee . Genuinely think of what you want to say and then if he accepts it great. If he doesn’t you have to accept that too.

He sounds like he’s one of those Andrew Tate watching men’s rights activists. The idea that you are the issue for not staying and saying he wouldn’t accept other men- it’s all a bit odd.

This made me burst into tears

very similar thing happened to me for years, with my own father. I got outed from most things. So outed my kids didn’t even think he loved them which broke my heart, they always went away or whatever without me and the hurt it caused, well I’ll never get over it if I’m honest.

my father is dead now. All the stuff he promised to me and my mother went gone. He didn’t do what he said he’d do.

the hurt he might never recover from

Are you on the right thread ? DS wasn’t put in the position of having to choose, he chose himself and aligned himself with his cheating dad. He then told OP she can never date and he won’t be part of a blended family. I bet he didn’t say that to his dad. And OP left him out of the family holiday because of the issues between him and her other children. TBH I’d have an issue with DD as well. She invited her dad to her graduation and left out her brother. That doesn’t make any sense.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long

So you did want him to pick sides.

Perhaps he stayed with the person who wasn't asking that of him, and woukd create thenleast upheaval in his life, but then you ignored his attempts to contact you. ..like a grown up.

Are you an adulterous male?

I have 4 kids too, similar ages, including a 21 year old son. He's still so very young. I cannot imagine taking it out on him if my husband had an affair.

I understand you were hurt but none of this is your eldest's fault. He was put in a position of having to choose a parent. That breaks my heart for starters. He reached out to you and you didn't reciprocate. WTF? Your daughter left him out of something and then you compounded that by not even inviting him on holiday? That astounds me.

Do you not WANT to have a relationship with your oldest child? You have imo behaved absolutely appallingly, just because in your view he didn't sufficiently side with you over the affair.

The other stuff about not wanting to be in a blended family , breaking up the family etc - he's a very young man whose world has flipped on end. I would not pay those statements any significant mind. YOU are the mature adult.

Totally agree with you. But the MNers who think DC are always right and must be put first will be out in shoals to disagree with us.

He didn’t just choose to live with his dad though did he ? He told his mother she was the one breaking up the family, totally ignoring the fact that it was his father who did that. He’s also drawn a line in the sand by saying he won’t accept OP dating, or be part of a blended family. That’s a lot to cope with while you’re still raw from being cheated on, and watching your eldest son side with his cheating father to the point of actually choosing to live with him must have been very hard. If he doesn’t want to be part of a blended family I wonder if he’s given his dad the same ultimatum. If not, then he’s a hypocrite as well as a misogynist.

Staying with your husband is one thing, could've been many reasons. But to blame YOU for splitting up the family is cruel, to further give you the ultimatum that he doesn't want you to date etc is selfish, arrogant and very childish. He is and adult and it could be that he is like his dad and sees women in a certain way. But you also do sound resentful, of your child who maybe am adult in name but let's face it many aren't mature at that age emotionally. Either way you're both really raw, haven't sat down and had real honest conversations.

Am assuming the dd who remains in contact with her dad and has also invited him to her graduation is also banned fro
the family holiday @vhydr ?

I agree - it appears you are taking out your anger for your husband (who is an awful pig) on your poor son. He will also be hurting & grieving the family set up (which he will get over) but you need to help support him. Ignoring him when he tries to reach out to you is unforgivable as a mother.
it’s the ex husband you & your daughter should sim
your angry at- not your eldest son.
it comes across like you & his 3x siblings are bullying/ ganging up on him & the ex husband gets to enjoy a cosy graduation!

You'll be lucky if he doesn't go non contact with you entirely, very soon.

Based on two comments he made in the midst of his grief about the break up of his family?

For all we know he would have said precisely the same to his father if OP had been the one to have an affair. He made ill judged comments because he was hurting and desperate for his family to remain intact. That’s it.

You are punishing your son for something his father did. I have been in your position, my children were much younger. To this day they don't know the real reason why we split up. One is an adult now. It stings, but ultimately your children should have a good relationship with both their parents. The loyalty card can be played with friends, and even there I wouldn't do it, not with your children.

In all this does he think it’s ok for his dad to shag another woman and be the reason you left???

The truth about a breakdown of a marriage/relationship is that the children are affected badly. As with everything in life, the age of a child is never a reflection of their maturity and ability in dealing with a situation that emotionally blindsided and emotionally-impacted every one of them.

Perhaps your eldest wanted to stay in the home he knew when everything else seemed to be collapsing around him. You won't know if you don't communicate. Or you don't allow for the opportunity to communicate.

First you and your son...on neutral ground, ideally over a meal just the 2 of you....without the other children...to talk through what he has felt and his feeling on everything....and then for you to walk/talk through things your end and how you've felt.

You've allowed his father to have all of the communication.

Also, it isn't fair with 1 sibling Vs. 3 and a parent. He's at a disadvantage any which way...and emotions are running high.

Ideally, following that first meeting, you can work through re-establishing the relationship and starting to support next steps with a sibling at a time on his terms.