AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

OP's son is 20, he's not a child so I can't understand why posters think OP should be the bigger person and ignore the awful things he's said. Everyone seems to be forgetting he chose to stay with his dad and then blamed OP for breaking up the family. He had to pick a side before OP could feel hurt that he'd picked his dad's side. I wouldn't want to speak to someone who blamed me for something that wasn't my fault and had caused me great pain either.

It doesn't look like OP has responded to a question about whether there were limited spaces for the graduation but the fact that her daughter invited the cheating father, who she was angry with, rather than her brother says something about who has caused more hurt and disruption during the separation. After everything everyone has been through the younger siblings do not need a holiday with someone who does not know how to keep the peace.

I'm sure the 20 year old is hurt but he's old enough to know that the break up of a long marriage is painful and difficult and blaming the injured party is a hurtful thing to do.

Sorry OP but it’s not great your older Son is being ostracised like this. Completely understandable he’s feeling the way he is. Poor not to text him back or engage when he tried to. The black sheep effect now extending to siblings and sounds like you’ve been leaning on your DC so be even worse if you’ve discussed your older son with them. It’s awful what your ex has done. Just feel sorry for your older son. You didn’t want the kids to take sides, yet were stung when he did. At whatever age you are you’ve understandably struggled, at 20, with less life experience cut him some slack. He didn’t cheat on you but seems like he’s being punished for wanting to stay in the family home. He must feel like he’s lost everyone and everything. Must have ‘stung’ him to see his family all away and he didn’t get invited. It’s ok to make mistakes, just not to give an encore. With DC, even adult DC imho onus on us to take the high road where we can.

"I never wanted my kids to pick sides"
"I expected a bit of loyalty"

Surely you're not actually stupid enough to fail see that "expecting loyalty" is simply pressuring them to "pick sides" but dressing it up like you aren't trying to hurt them?! They are hurt because you WANTED them to be hurt and went out of your way to ENSURE you hurt them.

The fact he accused you of breaking up the family after dad cheated, and than telling you he wont accept you dating etc in the future..hmm. i dont think your in the wrong not to invite him. But he has reached out so i do think you should try and repair but be firm on the fact he does not get to dicate your life/future choices

You did want him to pick sides. Your husband cheated on you, so in your mind, your son was supposed to declare his loyalty to you by packing his bags, leaving his home, and refusing to live with his father. Now you’re seeing him less as your son and more as an enemy combatant in the war of your marriage ending. You expected him to process this all immediately, have only “correct” reactions to a life-changing event beyond his control, and not have any of the emotional messiness that comes with processing a parent’s infidelity and the end of your intact family. Your son reached out to him more than once and you ignored him.

YABU.

Why not? He would clearly have ruined the holiday.

I'm a woman and my daughters have struggled with me dating again. There's often a gap between what ought to be allowed, and where their emotions are, which is fear that you will abandon them. It doesn't make it right for him to say it's your fault, but my dd's have occasionally lashed out at me, it's a tense and upsetting time as their family collapses around them. As the adult you do have to calmly state your boundaries (e.g. I am not to blame and I will be dating) but you do have to try to keep doors open, communication going and see how you can repair it all, not cut him off for not falling into line immediately.

It's been 5 months that's not long when you are hurting and your world has been turned upside down. Maybe he stayed with his Dad because the others came with you and he felt sorry for his Dad being left on his own regardless of the circumstances. You going quiet on him was an awful thing to do. And then not to be the only one not invited to the graduation must have really been a painful experience. It's hardly surprising he has reacted badly. He has said some hurtful things but people do that when they are hurting. You should be telling him you love him, you know it's early days you know he is hurting as are you and take it from there. Ask him to go away with just you for the weekend or even just out for a coffee and chat. And make sure you apologise for your actions in ignoring him.

I can understand the strained relationship with your adult son.
He has said some inappropriate things regarding your life.
I dont think you were right to go quiet on him though, sis choice to live with his father shouldnt mean he loses his relationship with you.Some communication could have steered you all through this.
I dont think it unreasonable you didn't invite him on holiday as your relationship is strained atm.
I dont understand why your youngest DD would invite her father who cheated on you and not her eldest brother.

I don’t know… Talk to your son perhaps? Just a thought.

Well, we disagree.

What kind of mum shuns her own child when he reaches out to her, then takes her other kids on holiday and not him?

Then posts on social media to ask if that was justified?

My response is no, not unless you only want 3 kids going forward.

I kind of agree with this. Teens tend to struggle with nuance and while your ex initially was massively in the wrong, it’s probably hard for him still to imagine you with someone else. That doesn’t mean it’s acceptable for him to lay down the law with you but isn’t the most pressing issue.

I’m getting a divorce for different but still compelling reasons. It’s hard to see the adult children cozying up with their dad. But he’s still their father so as painful as it is I can’t expect them to abandon him completely or at all. I don’t want them to lose out on a relationship with him. I certainly wouldn’t ask them to choose or give them the cold shoulder for not choosing. He’s still very young and it’s hard for him anyway. You’re making it harder by freezing him out and it’s not fair on him. I also wonder if you’d be less willing to do this if you had only one child or the others weren’t taking your side, in which case you’re using some of your children as a weapon against the other which is horribly manipulative.

Who knows what the boy saw in the home and what he thinks is the reason for the break up? It's never just about the infidelity.

He sounds like a very young man who feels like he is being punished by his mum and sister for choosing to stay living with his father after the two of them broke up, through no fault of his. He reached out to his mum more than once after this and was ignored. His sister didn't invite him to graduation and then he finds out his mum and siblings are enjoying a nice holiday he wasn't even told about.

He says he feels isolated and alone.

I actually fear for his mental wellbeing. How long ago was he living in a large nuclear family? With mum, dad, and 3 siblings? And now he feels he has lost his mum and his siblings.
It's heartbreaking.

Is the relationship one where the 'child' can act and say what they like, and the wronged parent has to suck that up, as well as being cheated on by her husband?
Nah. Don't think so.
He's 20.
Actions affect others. You don't get to say hurtful stuff and then play victim.

He told his mum she was the one splitting up the family, she couldn’t date and he wouldn’t be part of a blended family. That’s straight out of the Andrew Tate playbook. I’d bet the farm he hasn’t said the same to his dad.

Honestly, that message is concerning. This is a 20 year old that’s just had the ground well and truly shift beneath him. He’s lost all the stability he thought he knew, and the mother he thought loved him has demonstrated just how disposable he is. He’s alienated from his siblings, and the ‘everyone hates me’ suggests that he’s not actually getting on well with his father either. He’s taken compounding blows over recent months.

It could be read as an attempt at emotional manipulation, sure, but he could also be reaching/have reached a serious crisis point that he’s ill equipped to deal with.

As someone who has 4 dc and who’s husband (their father) cheated on me after 25 years and broke up our family, I can’t believe what I’m reading.
you do not involve your children (young adults)
although it broke my heart, I made sauté my dc had/have a decent relationship with their father.
they do know what did (are now very similar ages to yours), but I’ve always re-iterated that he loves them and what happened is not for them to worry about or take sides.
I can’t believe you ‘went quiet on your child’. I’m actually quite upset at that though and, as I love my dc more than i hate my ex-h, I can’t imaging ostracising them.
im so so sorry you’re hurting but please read these responses and sort things out with your son, for HIS sake as you don’t want emotional abuse ruining the rest of his life’s

I think it’s fine for OP to have taken her other three children on holiday under the circumstances. Given that they all had issues, it wouldn’t have been much of a holiday.

Yep, this is my take on it too. He’s twenty, not two. At what point do grown ass children stop being the priority over their parents in every situation.

Yes, he was put in a position of having to choose.

His father had an affair, his mother left, the kids were therefore forced to choose who to align with, through no fault of their own.

Yes his Dad cheated. He is still his Dad. Is it only acceptable if adult children of divorce cut contact with the parent who cheated?

Because he chose his Dad, OP was hurt (understandable) and then when DS subsequently reached out, presumably as an olive branch, OP ignored him (more than once). That's shocking behaviour from a mother.

He told OP she can't date and she can't be part of a blended family - he's young, his world as he knew it just got torn apart, he is saying he can't handle that as a result of pain and fear. Obviously his Mum just replies "if and when I do date again it won't be up to you, Sonny Jim!"

I can't believe that you think it's ok for a mother to take her 19, 17 and 15 year olds on holiday and not even think to invite her 20 year old.

My 21 year old hasn't lived at home for over a year and is obviously still invited on all family holidays - no pressure, but invited. And he is living in his own place and working so he's proper left home and not just living with his other parent. Do you have adult children this age?

What are you on about?

So is misandry. Which is what punishing your son for not taking your side in your divorce is.

You should have reached out to him sooner and you should have asked him on the holiday. Don't punish him for wanting a relationship with your ex/his dad and for clearly struggling with the entire concept of his nuclear family breaking up. He's still a very young adult. He's not the one who cheated on you. Be the bigger person - be his mum. I'd be heartbroken if I got a text like that from my son.

His mother could ask if he would like to have a conversation about this, but no, she doesn't have a right to dump all of that emotion on him. Trauma-dumping is bad at the best of times. It's worse when it involves criticising the child's other parent.

If, on the other hand, he asks her why she felt she had to leave, she can certainly explain these feelings. But it is harmful to insist on burdening your children with your emotions and complaints, and to insist they accept your framing of events, as a condition of a continuing relationship with them. Ignoring the son's contact and not discussing the holiday was punitive behaviour. The other kids have fallen in line. I hope that's not too much of a burden on them