AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

Absolutely this. At 20 he is not a fully emotionally developed adult, but neither is he a 5 year old boy. He should be grown up enough to be told that he was incredibly selfish and unreasonable, and that he should have considered that his mother has feelings, too. OP, you should not be expected to sacrifice yourself on the altar of doing everything that's best for the children (and never mind the damage to yourself). However, this has gone on long enough, and it's time for a conditional olive branch involving explaining why you acted as you did, and why his actions played into this. What he does with that is up to him.

Stop taking it out on your son he is an innocent party. The only cheat is your exh. You invite your son to things you don’t isolate him.

I was made to go through a hideous divorce when my parents divorced, it’s had repercussions for over 30 years. it’s never the kids fault.

I agree with this. I am sorry for what happened to you, and your family, your ex is a horrible shitty human but he is still your son’s father. It can be incredibly hard for children (even adult ones!) to suddenly discover their much loved parent is a crap person, it can be very hard for them to reconcile that and they may well not act in ways that seem predictable or ‘fair’. Let’s be honest, none of this is fair, on any of you, but punishing him for ’choosing’ his father when really he just chose to stay in his family home with a parent he loves, regardless of right or wrong, seems cruel to me.

I do have a slightly different viewpoint on his comments too, rather than jumping to ‘he’s a vile misogynistic shit!!’ as many have, could it be that he’s holding you to a different standard to his dad because he already knows his dad isn’t to be relied upon? His father has shown he’s an untrustworthy man and your son seems to be looking for stability and predictability from his other parent. He may well have expressed this poorly, maybe he is coming across as angry and upset (because he is!) but imo he wants you to show him that he’s still as loved and valued as the others… alas, this hasn’t been overly successful.

I have been through a divorce with older step children and my parents did separate when I was a similar age. I had already left home but at 18-19 I knew not to interfere or pick a side. I had my own opinions of course but I kept them to myself.

I think I would at least have considered inviting him, so long as DD was happy with that after the graduation debacle - if only in the hope that it might help us rebuild bridges and provide an opportunity to understand why he is being so hypercritical of me rather than dad in this scenario.

His brain isn’t fully cooked yet, even at 20 so I would ignore some of the things he’s been saying because he isn’t really a fully functioning adult.
If you invited your 19 year old and 17 year old I think you should have invited the 20 year old regardless of where he lived.
Many people don’t pay for adult children to holiday with them, but you’ve excluded your eldest not because he’s an adult but because he chose to stay with his Dad.
You said you went quiet on him because everything was raw so it’s not the first thing he’s been excluded from.
He shouldn’t have said that you were breaking up the family, did your Ex husband try and get you stay or was the affair still ongoing?
If the affair was over and his Dad was begging you stay, that could be why he has blamed you ultimately for the breakdown in the family, not for one second saying you should have stayed but looking at it from his perspective.
I don’t understand why your daughter invited her Dad and not her brother to the graduation, was there a limit on numbers?! If there wasn’t she punished the person staying with her Dad but not her Dad who had the affair in the first place?!
Whilst your Son doesn’t get to comment on aspects of your life, meeting someone new etc he is still your child (although 20) whose only crime was to stay in the family home with his Dad…

You can and should do better sorry. But I've been in his shoes my parents marriage feel apart in exactly the same way my Dad had an affair for 5yrs. My sister and I are older at the time I was 29 and my sister 23 I have a son and she was away with uni at the time so neither of us at home still. However I, as is your son still entitled and needs both parents it's is not fair to make or have your children choose sides based on what's happened to you between you and your husband. Non of that is really anything to do with your children. I didn't agree with what my dad did but he didn't do it to me and he is still my dad I still need him in my life. So refused to side either way it still upsets my mum that I see my dad as my sister doesn't but IMO what happened between them is just that my dad had an affair which isn't right but there were other factors playing a part life isn't black and white and people do the wrong thing sometimes. Life has to go on for everyone around you you can't let what's happening to you impact everyone else had you children been younger you would I hope have shielded them from most of it but being older we're dragged into and it's not right I'm sorry. You should value your relationship with you son more than the drama and allow his life to go on seeing his dad or not you should actively encourage all your children to see their dad regardless of feelings of the situation.

No. Not unless you have been through a divorce or parenting older teens. Most adults struggle with breaks ups, my divorce was probably one of the worst years of my life. Imagine what it’s like for an adult child to get there heads around there are parents splitting up. My daughter is 19yrs and still very much needs to be around for her, not with her all the time but on the end a phone for sure.

It's very unfair to take your pain and anger out on your 20 year old son. It was your DH who cheated. He is confused and sad.

And you are the adult in this situation, not him. At 20, he's still a kid really.

I think you should do everything you can to make amends with him. I hope you haven't left it too late. This is very sad.

Well, this isn’t strictly accurate, is it?

The kids can decide themselves whether they want a relationship with their dad even though he destroyed the family by following his schlong.

Agreed though that the op has really damaged her eldest son. This is a traumatic time for all.

My own experience of being 20 isn't relevant?

You are handling this horribly. Your children should still have a relationship with their father. He may have betrayed you, but unless he abuses them, there is no reason for them to pull away.

It is hard, but you have to accept that they have a different relationship with him than you do.

ostracizing your son makes you the villain in this scenario.

I agree. My heart broke for him, reading OP's post. That young man deserved absolutely none of this.

You didn't want them to take sides but you have penalised him for taking his dad's side.

He is certainly speaking out of place re any of your future relationships but his whole family has broken up too and he is struggling with the changes.

It isn't his fault your DH cheated. But you are all being really unfair to him. I wouldnt have left him out of a holiday involving his siblings.

Try and mend your relationship with your son with clear boundaries in place but don't punish him for what his dad has done.

So much anger and nastiness in some of the responses on here. One side think you should be a mother, the other side think you should be a wronged wife who's DH has penetrated another women and all males should suffer the consequences.

Its a Red pill/Blue pill moment.

I say throw the blue one in the bin and mend relations with your son. Who gives a toss what relationship he has with his dad, its your relationship with him that matters.

@FOJN
Do you have, or have you had, a child in their late teens or early 20s?

No, I thought not. Or at least I hope not. 20 is a very long way from full maturity.

He told her she was breaking the family up by leaving which suggests he thinks she had an obligation to tolerate infidelity to protect his feelings. We've all been 20 and there is no way I would have thought that was an appropriate thing to say to anyone who been cheated on in a long term relationship. If he is not mature enough to have a very basic level of empathy and sensitivity now he needs to learn quickly.

OP not been back? Probably no point then.

What a horrible post.

Please don't throw around words like "narcissistic" when you clearly aren't qualified to do so.

I can only assume you aren't a parent, or at least not a parent of teens or adults. Parental love isn't so easily severed. We don't go around cutting off our very young adult children for saying unwise things, even hurtful things, or there would be no adult child /parent relationships anywhere.

Here you go.

Not right to diagnose people with complex mental health issues from one first person post.

OP hasn’t got the full YANBU she maybe expected so unlikely to be back. Many post AIBU wanting corroboration not impartial advice.

You're reading an awful lot into his intentions about stuff you just completely made up! There was no nefarious plan to publicly humiliate her because there was no mention of Facebook in the OP! He texted her.

@FOJN completely disagree. Young adults have little life experience. OP and many struggle understandably with marital/family breakdown and relationships even when much much older. You’re expecting a level of maturity during a life changing traumatic event for all, and that imho is extremely unfair. It takes a lot of us whatever age time to process, react, come to terms with things. Not sure the DS blamed OP as much as may have felt desperate to keep the family together. The don’t see anyone else comments too could be the DS trying to have some control (completely misplaced) in a situation that’s incredibly painful for all, and one he feels is out of his control, not OPs fault or any of the DC. Your Mum is your Mum whatever your age.

I’m sorry this happened to you, but I’m glad you’re making a new life and have the money to do so. Your eldest son needs counselling, he sounds very entitled, almost narcissistic and is obviously very influenced by his father. I would say to him that you understand he is hurt but the situation was not of your making and you are getting on with your life. Ask him to get some help and maybe he can be part of your life again in the future but while he continues to voice these obnoxious feelings and opinions he cannot. He says he wants no part of a blended family well what’s going to happen when Daddy gets the little mistress pregnant? He must understand that these are things he has no control over. Enjoy the time you have now with the rest of your children. He may come round, he may not but that’s up to him. I wish you all the best.

I bet anything that the ex/dad will be rehabilitated, and everyone will carry on having a relationship with him eventually, but the son will continue to be punished; there's very much a black sheep flavour about this, and it may be he comes off worse than the ex! Already the ex is invited to stuff he is not.