AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

Where there is nothing about Facebook or public posts.

Because they are excusing him by claiming his brain isn't fully developed.

I have a 20 year old son who is autistic and is still emotionally mature enough not to behave in the way OP's son has.

The fact that his sister didn't want him at her graduation also speaks volumes.

Second to last paragraph.

People keep responding as though the only thing he's done is stay living with his dad. His behaviour and language and attempts at controlling the OP afterwards are a much bigger problem. Why are so many posters completely ignoring that?

He is an adult, albeit a young one. He is entitled to make a choice to maintain contact with his dad for whatever reason he chooses. His father’s romantic choices are not his choices so you need to stop punishing him. I understand why you didn’t take him away given that everything still seems raw and it would likely have ended in disaster but it seemss like you’ve been excluding him for longer than that.

I get that you’re hurt but you are taking this out on the wrong person. It sounds like you’ve intentionally excluded him and that’s not right. I find it interesting that you feel it’s ok to judge his feelings and actions but expect him to just accept yours. You can be upset and calmly tell him so but you love your children unconditionally. You do this in actions as much as words.

There are apparently no consequences for your daughter inviting her father to graduation - is this because she made the ‘right’ choice before to leave the home with you?

I had similar family dynamics growing up and it leaves a mark. You still have time to try and fix things. Please do whatever you need to do to be the bigger person here.

I firmly agree with you on this.

But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family,

Do you think that he just couldn't be bothered to move?

Why didn't your husband move out?

What if you had still been at home and you had to choose who to live with knowing that it would upset the other parent?

Anyone who knows anything about the manosphere will be able to see the red flags here.

And the women who fall over themselves to excuse this behaviour and this man's attitude are a huge part of the problem.

It's giving Boy Mom in the worst possible way.

Your son has said some really hurtful things to you but I wouldn't expect any 19 or 20 year old child to understand your position or what you have been through if I was you. God knows I said some stupid and hurtful stuff when I was that age and I think even in middle age I might still struggle with either of my parents starting relationships with new people.

I'm not saying you have to suck it all up - by all means, tell him what he has said that hurt you but you're taking it to a whole other level by ignoring his attempts at repair. Repair after rupture is always the responsibility of the parent, however old they are and it is your job to repair here and I hope for your sake you do that. Maybe if you really listen to what he has to say and let him know how his words have hurt you, your relationship might actually be a whole lot better but punishing with coolness is not a good strategy in any relationship.

Sorry this has happened. I think you're being incredibly unfair though. You say you don't want your kids to pick sides and then you completely ignore him? The younger siblings are following your lead. Your poor poor son. You have no idea what his Dad may have told him and he probably saw him upset and felt sorry for him living alone. He's only 20. I think you have made some massive mistakes, hopefully he can forgive you and you can move past it.

Personally, I could never leave one of my children out, regardless of whether they chose to stay with their crappy dad, but I see why you did, with his strained relationships with his siblings, etc. Reading about his attitude toward you interests me, though, because from my point of view it's showing signs of that ncel type "women are to blame" attitude. He seems to blame you. I hope he is telling his dad that he can never date anyone again, but something tells me he isn't. You also don't know what his dad tells him. He looks up to him, so maybe he believes whatever he says.

Sounds like you resent your son for living with his dad. Perhaps you show him this through things like not asking him on holiday, etc. You are the parent, why not arrange to meet up for a coffee, just you two together & give him chance to vent, get it all out in the open. I think he is craving some quality time with you. Obviously you and your husband splitting up has hurt him deeply, more than he his letting on, and this comes out in anger towards you. Make time for each other, with no one else around, you both deserve each other. You want your son, and he desperately needs you, his mum.

The OP expected her children to pick a side. Her side. She admits she ignored her 20 yo son when he attempted to reach out to her a few times. The 19 yo and 17 yo have also clearly taken sides. So perhaps the OP's children simply aren't as mature as you were at their age. As a family they seem to indulge in very passive-agressive behaviour, what with the ignoring and the excluding, the emotional blackmail and the finger-pointing going in all directions, the seeming inability to put themselves in the other person's shoes. Maybe your parents set a better example. The discovery of the father's betrayal is still very recent. Hopefullly the repair for all the victims of it can start soon.

Op is not teaching her son a valuable lesson at all. She’s being appallingly
her son, as her, will be upset/angry/emotionsl/feelings are raw - and he’s likely lashing out

oo is expecting him to pick her side and isolating him for not picking hers.

awful

so much crap on here about Andrew rate/misogny/narcissism - when in fact he’s just a very hurt very young adult

Totally agree with every word of this.

He's 20 and trying to control OP due to his dad's actions.

Not being invited to graduation and holiday are because of his actions. Telling his mum she broke the family up for not staying with a cheat? Telling her he won’t accept a blended family from her? Who does he think he is?

As I said in my comment- he sounds like one of those people who watches that awful Tate stuff and that women should fall in line. He’s getting the consequences of his actions. He’s twenty and should know better.

@vhydr
So he didn't have a problem with your husbands affair it seems
But you, then leaving and coping as best you can is greeted with comments about "blended families"
It's a shame about the picking of sides
And the hassles that then followed
And about those photos
Did you really have to?
But what's done is done
And I think that deep down you know you're upset about how he chose
But you're his mother so
I'm not going to say forgive or forget because I couldn't; petty I know
But then what I'd honestly do is
At least be civil whilst taking no backchat or aggression from him whatsoever
And state he doesn't dictate how now you or his siblings ever live your lives
Everything is different now

He's mature enough to decide that he wants to live with his father and then explain his disdain towards blended families.

Daddy is innocent despite having an affair and dismantling the family unit; therefore, mummy will have to sacrifice her life and become Mother Martyr.

Hogwash.

OP is teaching her son a valuable lesson.

This is a tough situation. It seems to be raw on all sides. Taking him on holiday might have made things tense for you all given the fallout or it could have brought you all back together. Hard to know but I think an invite should have been offered.
I think you could all do with some mediation to try and resolve some of the issues. Going back to your cheating husband not being one of them though and it’s not fair for your eldest to expect that or dictate that you can’t meet someone new in future.
I hope things can get better for you as a family.

Was he previously very close to his Dad? It must be so hard, lonely and confusing for him. He's still very young even if technically an adult. I agree with above, call him today and say sorry- sorry for blanking him when he reached out and sorry for not inviting him on holiday. Your ex is a massive twat but that's not your son's fault. Focus on repairing your relationship with him and his relationship with his siblings.

Your son is/was trying to exercise an unhealthy and inappropriate level of control over you - "punishing" you for leaving, blaming you rather his dad even though the dad was the one who cheated/lied/broke trust, saying he can't ever accept your having a relationship in the future. At 20 he's inexperienced and immature. Ideally you should forgive him, reassure him that you do love and value him, and do what you can to repair the relationship. You can apologise for not inviting him on the trip and for not trying harder to connect earlier on and you can try to make it up to him, but he has to make some effort too. If he goes on insisting he's in the right here he's running the risk of becoming a controlling, abusive partner - which may actually have legal ramifications not just personal.

It's unclear whether anyone has explained to him why his behaviour comes across so badly. If you refused to speak with him when he tried to contact you then I agree that that's wrong. But if he continued insisting on overstepping and making demands about your personal life when you'd clearly told him to stop then you do have a right to protect yourself too. (I'm also not sure why he's now apparently on the outs with his dad - that would be a good person to be supporting him through this since they are in much closer physical proximity and can talk face to face any time).

Your son's an adult, albeit an inexperienced one, and he's old enough to understand that shitty, borderline abusive behaviour has consequences. It's not that unusual for someone to be left out of a family trip they're an adult and live away. His reaction that I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider seems like it could be overdramatic. I know it's heartbreaking to read no matter what he's done, but if he has shown no signs of regret or self-awareness about his behaviour toward you around the breakup even after you've fully discussed it, please be cautious about the possibility of intentional manipulation.

Agree, I bet he’s mature enough when he wants to be. It’s bullshit, 20 is plenty old enough to treat the woman that birthed you with respect.

I cannot believe people think OP is unreasonable.

@vhydr your ex-husband blew up all your lives, your adult son chose his side and has twisted things to make it your fault, and now he's trying the emotional manipulation tack.

I'm assuming this particular apple didn't fall far from his father's tree.

If it was me, I'd be giving him some much-needed honesty. I'd be telling him that you love him, always have, always will but he hurt you by placing blame at your feet and telling him out straight that actions have consequences. He doesn't get to stand by the person who fucked everything up, blame you, isolate his siblings, demand that you don't date (?) and then play the victim.

Honestly, he sounds a bit red pill.