AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

I think OP's gone. Having given us all very little to go on really - a lot of stuff in her post doesn't make sense and requires more explanation.

As it doesn't look like that will be forthcoming, I suggest we may as well all leave it here?

You went away and didn’t tell him? Left him out without a warning and he found out on social media? I am appalled. 20 is still young. You are punishing him for what his dad did. I am so sorry for your son.

20 year old boys are a bit stupid, they are emotionally immature. Tell him you love him, tell him you want a relationship with him. Say that you all have work to do to on your relationships with each other ( as in him you and siblings) but that you want to. Arrange to meet him for a coffee (or food -that always works with young men). Apologise for going cold on him - that was wrong and don't do it again. But most of all let him know he is loved and your door is always open.Don't discuss having new relationships - unless you are charging into one straightaway it is irrelevant. You've made your decision about leaving, he's an adult, you dont owe him an explanation - just move on from it. Stop holding a grudge because he stayed with his dad. These things are never easy for children of the marriage, whatever age they are.

You are not covering yourself in glory here. Be a bigger person.

My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

That was probably a mistake TBH.

You risk losing him - his dad cheating is not on him. He's lost his stable family as well.

So while I think it's normal to be hurt with him choosing his Dad by staying and accusing you of breaking up the family - I think you do need to seperate him from his Dads actions.

Surely you'd text back along lines - you are my son I love you. Ex cheating for so long has really damaged/upset me and I've needed time. Some of your comments since TBH have been extremely hurtful. I didn't ask you on hoilday because I don't think you and I or your sisters are in a good place and hoilday wasn't time to sort it - and see where that lands.

His relationship with his dad is seperate to yours to him and yours to ex and I think you haven't been acting like that despite saying you never wanted sides picked and I think your other kids may be following your lead - possible as they fear you reacting badly to them if they show disloyalty - which isn't fair and long term may damage all your relationships with them and each other.

You didn’t play this well OP. The shit your oldest son said about your future and meeting someone is irrelevant and noise.

I would have invited him on the holiday - there was no benefit to you to not extend the invite.
No idea why he was excluded from the graduation either. That’s picking on the wrong guy.

No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t tell you that he doesn’t blame his father, or that he hasn’t said far worse to him.

He said a thoughtless comment at a time when he was desperately trying to keep his family together. Was it emotionally mature? No, but then he’s 20 years old and watching the life he always knew fall apart. He may have just been hurting and lashing out, not actually even meaning it.

My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

This is what this adult man, regardless of how much you all want to infantalise him, said to his mother who was cheated on.

My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

OP committed the unforgivable sin of taking some time when she was feeling raw after her world imploded and her ADULT son blamed her for breaking up the family.

He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him.

These are adults and late teenagers. They had a fight separate to OP's relationship with the eldest son being the common denominator.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

This is controlling and weird and was an absolutely unnecessary stick to beat his mother with.

I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that.

This is emotional manipulation 101 and hugely problematic. Absolving himself of all wrongdoing and making everything his mother's fault.

I have a twenty-year-old son and a sixteen-year-old son and I have spent time researching the manosphere and its chokehold on your men. I work in a field that directly correlates to it. And I am telling you right now, this has red flags ALL over it.

More importantly, at least in regard to this thread, the posters are GLARING red flags for the deeply misogynistic women who are raising these men to be like this. They (you) cause untold damage. You need to work on yourselves and your attitudes toward the men you're raising before inflicting them on the world.

No but he has said he blames his Mum for "breaking up the family", kind of tells you you he's not blaming his Dad doesn't it, the one who actually had the affair. 🙄

It's all very well to say 'you should have...' but the OP was reeling from having her life blown up at the time. That was compounded by her grown son telling her that this was all HER fault and that she should then sacrifice the rest of her life in devotion to her children and never move on. No wonder she cut off the ridiculous man for a bit. I have children the same age and there's no way they'd act like that - he's far too old to be like an 5 year old shouting 'I don't want a new daddy'. As the adult, op, you'll have to be the bigger person and make the first move, but that's all you owe him. He's old enough to know that while he'll always be your son, you are not an emotional punchbag, especially when you're at your limit.

Was there meant to be more to this post?

You do all realise that OP hasn't bothered coming back to respond to the - as of now - 400 replies?

This is your child. He's an adult, but a very young one and he remains your child.

"he's an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family"... That's a cold fucking judgement of your 20 year old son who is part of that broken family. No wonder he feels he's not your son any more, no wonder he feels like he has no family and everyone hates him, no wonder he feels like the outsider.

You say you didn't want him to pick sides but everything else you write suggests you did in fact want that. Because look- he didn't pick your side and you are stung at his lack of loyalty, you ignored him when he reached out to you repeatedly, you didn't encourage your daughter to invite him to graduation even though she was inviting the actual person who cheated on you and broke the family up, you know his siblings ganged up on him but don't seem to have done anything to address that, and you didn't invite him on holiday with the rest of your kids (the ones who did pick the right side).

Your ex is the bastard here (yet he still gets invited to the graduation, hmm). Your son is not. Yes, yabu. And you need to fix it.

Absolutely this. Your DS didn't cheat on you your DH did. You are punishing your DS because he wanted to live with his Dad. You need to stop doing this. In your position I'd be ringing eldest DS and begging his forgiveness for not inviting him on holiday and going quiet on him when he reached out to you. If you don't do this he might not reach out again to you. Do you want to lose your eldest DS? You are going the right way to do so.

They clearly enable behaviour that shouldn’t be excused.

And it’s almost darkly comic when some mothers insist they never imagined their sons hurting anyone.

That kind of denial is part of the problem.

You are forgetting that your “adult” son is only 20. Brains do not properly mature until around 24 and he is cleat struggling with his life being upended just as much as yours has been. None of this is of his making either. You were wrong to leave him out of the holiday, and it’s up to you to build bridges. One day, you will be over the separation from your husband, but your son will always be your son and you need to protect that carefully. I really feel for him, to lose his family unit and then be punished really for his reaction

YABU when you seem to be using the sisters as an excuse to exclude him. You should have ignored his idiotic comments but not ghosted him. It's rather tragic that in his wanting to play a happy family his father blew up, he lost the "real" family ie siblings as well.

However, OP reads as if whenever there's contact the eldest tells you OP what do to. Is it possible he's been tasked by his father to ask you to go back or sth similarly crazy?

Do his siblings keep in touch with him even a little? The younger brother?

Most importantly, why the hell does he think men are allowed to have affairs and women should not even date after the relationship ended through no fault of their own? Why does he think he can order you to stay?

Would he demand same of his sisters if they wanted to leave their future husbands? Would he demand they marry before having kids? Is his opinion ideologically/religiously/psychologically motivated essentially..

This!

Sorry I know you're hurting but YABU. He's at a formative stage and has been hurt too, he feels left out and this could stay with him forever if you don't try to talk it through and repair your relationship.

Op hasn’t said that he hasn’t blamed his father, or that he is only blaming Op. We have no idea what he has or hasn’t said to him.

I wouldn't have been happy with him either tbh.

He's 20, not 10. And he blamed OP, the victim in the marriage, for breaking up the family. No, his dad did that by having an affair.

And then he stayed with his dad while telling his mom he wouldn't accept her moving on from the marriage or entering into a new relationship ever.

I'm sorry, he's old enough to understand he doesn't get to blame her for his father's actions or resent her potential desire to move on someday and have a new relationship. He doesn't get to blame his siblings for being mad at his choices either.

I don't know what to suggest other than possible counselling .. but I suspect he won't be willing to acknowledge his choices and words have consequences, too.

I really don't understand why the 'cheating' Dad got invited to the graduation and not your eldest. Why is your son being punished for the transgressions of an adult, more than the adult is?

Regardless of what he did you, he's still his Dad and it's grossly unfair to punish him or the siblings to be 'anti' him as he didn't react in the way you wanted.

My bio father did awful things to my Mum but she has never uttered a word against him and we were always given a choice of who and where we wanted to live. My younger siblings had a relationship with him but my elder siblings and I didn't, as we were older and aware when things were going on but we never ever resented or treated the younger siblings badly because of it.

I think you desperately all need some kind of therapy with eldest. I'm sure you'd all be devastated if this impacted his mental health so badly he acted on these feelings of isolation from the family. He is not the one who cheated and broke the family!

Regardless of his age: you are the adult here! You are the one who needs to fix it.

Yes, because all people handle things the exact same way.

He said inappropriate things in the heat of the moment, at an incredibly stressful time. For all we know he has also lashed out at his father.

The sister not being there could also speak of her knowing how her mother feels towards her brother, and not wanting to upset her.

Ok :)

19 is not a child So many women on this thread almost falling over backwards to defend this adult man who seems to be blaming his Mum for everything, including "breaking up the family" Not his Dad of course the one who actually had the affair. Not OP. Christ it's depressing