AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

My dd might well say something unfair in a moment of extreme distress. But she would recognise instantly that it was unfair and apologise straight away. I don't get the sense that this is what happened with the OP's son? And no, for what it's worth, I don't actually think it's ok to say really hurtful shit to other people just because I happen to be upset myself. I'm surprised to hear that others think anything goes.

As for the trip, do all parents automatically invite their non-resident adult children on every trip that they ever go on? Would all non-resident adult children feel aggrieved if their parents went away without inviting them? Overall, I agree that it would have been better to ask him if he wanted to go, but under the circumstances, I can see why she didn't.

Even in times of great distress? It’s not ok for people to talk rot? Especially young people? I expect you’ve always talked total sense all the time even in times of great stress.

What does he know? He’s never experienced this before.

And the op deliberately exclude him from the trip. She didn’t bother to ask him. Really mean of a fully grown adult. Really lame.

Poor kid. Yes he’s said some daft things as he’s adjusting to everything, but to ghost him and then not invite him on the family holiday is bad crack.

There’s loads of reasons a 20 year old would want to live with his dad. Can’t be bothered to move, better sized bedroom, more lenient parent, wants a quieter house…it doesn’t mean he agrees with what the dad did to you.

do not take out your feelings on your son or anyone else.

get counselling. your son deserves better from you.

The OP wasn't deliberately excluding and detaching herself. She "went quiet on him for a bit" because she felt really raw, but we don't know how long for or whether she has been in touch with him more since that period.

She also said that she didn't think to take him with her on this trip - presumably because he is an adult, he has chosen not to live with them and he had had a massive fallout with all of his siblings. Perhaps she should have asked him if he wanted to go, but perhaps she just assumed that he wouldn't.

It isn't clear from her post that there has been any deliberate intention to cut him off.

As for "chatting shit", I'm amazed that so many people have such low standards for their kids that they think it is ok for adult children to hit out at their parents like this at moments when their parents are at their lowest ebb. Would I cut my child off for having said something like this? Absolutely not. But equally, I can't imagine my dc being so utterly insensitive either.

Getting pretty unhinged there.

I echo your thoughts.

A grown man wishing to blame his own mother just because Daddy couldn't get his phallus inside his pants.

Yes, let's infantilise an adult and accept his misogyny.

You knew he was hurt by the break up of your marriage. You have hurt him further by holidaying with his siblings. As a family, you all need counselling before you lose your son for good.
While he is 19, in terms of life experiences he is very young. No good taking out your anger at your husband's betrayal on your son. You need to try to build bridges with your son.

Nope, she’s reacting to the way he has behaved. Which is appalling.

👏👏👏. About time someone tells it like it is.

From his point of view I think it sounds like he was forced to choose between you and his Dad, and then you ignored him for ages, then excluded him from any major events with you or his siblings. I think it's easy to imagine how this would upset anyone.

What was his relationship like with you, his siblings and Dad beforehand?

My sibling took my Dad's side after his affair, which of course hurt my Mum. But they'd always been closer to their Dad and had a difficult relationship with Mum. Both parents always included both of us in holiday plans and special occasions though, until we had homes of our own! I think not to is very unreasonable.

The affair isn't his fault. I think you and the other children need to apologise and work to include him. Being the spurned partner and being Right surely matters less than your relationship with him?

He doesn't get to decide if you have a future relationship. But it's early days. Parents divorcing is hard even if you a technically an adult yourself. His view on this may change in time.

Yeah but he’s chatting shit. He might be 20 but he’s a kid really in a difficult position.

The op should sit tight. Keep schtum and just try to maintain a relationship with her son. Until all the dust has settled and everyone is less raw.

All this excluding and detachment is really stupid. Really stupid.

I think the trouble is, she has said so little, that some people believe he is basically a raving INCEL, others haven't interpreted it in the same way so can't see why others think it's fine for her to effectively ignore her son -

It's all down to different interpretations of a comparatively short, quite vague post. I think.

Perhaps he said that to his dad, or perhaps he didn't. We don't know.

What we do know is that he chose to carry on living with his dad despite knowing that his dad already had another woman in his life, while telling his mother that he would never be ok with the idea of her dating again. And we also know that he explicitly laid the blame for breaking up the family on his mother, because she was unwilling to tolerate his father's infidelity, rather than on his father for having been unfaithful in the first place.

Maybe you don't see those signs as red flags for misogyny. Respectfully, I disagree. I think it's there, loud and clear.

He chose to stay with his dad and you are punishing him for it. Maybe he felt sorry for his dad being left alone, or perhaps it was for practical reasons. You seem to switch between your reasons for excluding him. One minute its because he's an adult, then you throw up that he chose to stay with his dad. His sister not inviting him to her graduation was hurtful and makes no sense, especially as she invited her dad. So she punishes him too. Did you challenge her on this or just let it slide? I'm not sure why you're surprised that he feels excluded. Also be careful with your other three children. Right now they live with you, but they should be able to have a relationship with their dad. In their shoes, watching the way you have turned against their brother, they won't be able to do that comfortably. I know you're hurting but your behaviour towards your son is cruel. Does he remind you of his father?

You are being utterly unreasonable. your 19yr old is also an adult, he got to go?

punishing your child for choosing to live with his dad, he has clearly been telling you how much he is struggling with the break up from what you are saying.

instead of showing him love you exclude him.

A young person whose parents split acrimoniously lashed out. Yes it was inappropriate but the only family unit he’d ever known was ending.
This young person showed the strength to reach out, and was rebuffed.

Yes, you are hurting, but you are the adult. You are the parent. Show all your kids the strength of admitting when you are wrong, apologise and rebuild th3 relationship. They may learn a valuable lesson that it’s ok not to win every argument. It can be very mature to show some weakness.

We don’t really know his comments were misogynistic? We don’t know that he hasn’t said to his dad he’d never be able to handle another woman in his dad’s life or a blended family on that side. There’s a lot of information missing here and the OP is written from a very defensive point of view.

The OP has already acknowledged that it wasn't right to ignore his attempts to reach out. She recognises that this was wrong, but has clarified that it was due to her own mental state at the time rather than any desire to punish.

Re the holiday. I don't know if a non-resident adult child who has made some pretty shitty remarks to his mother and then fallen out with all of his siblings should automatically expect to be included on a trip away?

The OP needs to reach out and try to build bridges now. This young man is still her son and he is not responsible for his father's infidelity. He was obviously distressed by the collapse of his parents' marriage and perhaps he wasn't thinking straight. But he is still responsible for his own behaviour and for the things which he said, and I'm astonished at how many people seem so eager to dismiss his remarks as if they are no big deal.

You need to talk to him adult to adult.
Tell him that when he chose to stay with his dad you didn't handle it well as you wanted him to come with you. That you were wrong to ignore his attempts to reach out and that you acted from emotion and regret it.
That you love him and want him in your life, but the rift with his siblings mean family trips wouldn't work just now, but you'd love to do something with him alone.
That you're not in a relationship but can't tell him you're going to rule that out for the rest of your life because it wasn't your choice that your marriage broke up and you shouldn't need to stop your life. And if that should happen it need not effect him, as he's an adult man living his own life in a seperate home, and obviously won't be expected to play happy families like a child.

I completely agree - but ignoring his attempts to reach out, excluding him from holiday and posting about it on social media is not the middle ground.

I cannot fathom how anyone would contemplate cutting off their own child and not maintaining a relationship with them (unless they had no choice for safety reasons etc).

But I'm equally fascinated by the posters who seem to think it is ok for a 20 year old man to make misogynistic and controlling comments towards his own mother with absolute impunity.

Surely there is a middle ground in which you strive to maintain the relationship while making it clear that certain comments and behaviours are neither reasonable nor acceptable?

I'm actually finding it fascinating listening to the posters that are so lacking in empathy that they think ostracising a 20 year old and irrevocably destroying a relationship with him is the right course of action.

So he's not OK with you hypothetically meeting a new partner WELL after divorcing his dad but he's OK with his dad finding a new partner WHILST STILL MARRIED to his mum?!? Your DS has messed up priorities and honestly he wants his cake and to eat it. He wants to choose his cheating scumbag of a dad AND play happy families with his morally superior siblings and mum. I get you're torn and I'm sure I would be in your situation as you love your children equally. But he is definitely being unreasonable.

Have you had the opportunity to talk 1:1 with him about it since it all happened?

Well said.