AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

This is horrible. It’s his father who broke the family up. You took things out on your 20 year old.

It was also unkind to not invite him to go away with you. Perhaps it might have been an opportunity to rebuild your relationship with him and between him and his siblings.

I think you need to reflect on your behaviour before he chooses not to have anything further to do with you.

You went quiet on him - aka ignored him/ghosted him/blanked him.

Take some responsibility in this op.

At 20, he's still quite young and inexperienced with relationships. It sounds like his still at the stage where he thinks of you as just his Mum, rather than a person in your own right who should be free to have another relationship in the future if and when you want to.

I can see why his behaviour is hurtful, but I do think you should extend the olive branch and try to include him more in activities with his siblings. Has he been invited to the family therapy sessions? It might be helpful for him to hear how you and your siblings are feeling about the breakup, give him the chance to consider the feelings of others, and make him feel like less of an outsider.

It sounds like you are punishing him for choosing to live with his dad.
Ignoring him when he was reaching out to you; not inviting him on holiday.

And yet you didn't have an issue with your daughter inviting her dad to her graduation?

If you want to have a continued relationship with him, then this will need a lot of work. Start with "I'm sorry ..." without following it with an "if" or a "but".

divorce is a bloody nightmare to negotiate.

i had a similar divorce about five years ago with similar age kids and it was really hard.

given the blow up with his siblings I wouldn’t have invited him on the holiday (not all of mine get along and we’ve had some spectacular rows on holidays) but I would try to make some time for him to meet for coffee etc.

this will all settle down. It’ll take time. Eventually he’ll move out and be an independent young adult and he’ll probably look back and regret some actions (I know mine have) so try to keep comms open

Yes you’re being unreasonable

he reached out to you and you admit you went quiet on him.

you say you don’t expect them to take sides - but your actions demonstrate otherwise which is pretty despicable to be honest. They may be older teens / young adults but keep them out if your relationship - they have two parents who they love and should be free to speak to /see/ live with either of you without repercussions

I think your behaviour is awful tbh

Why on earth did your dd invite her father- the one who cheated and actually did break up the family - and not invite her brother?

Your oldest son is obviously very affected by your marriage break up. Like all your childen he was put in a horrible position by your H's actions and the subsequent marriage break up. He has obviously said some unpleasant things but it does seem you and your other children are punishing him for chosing to stay with his dad at this really difficult time in his life as well as yours and his other siblings.

Perhaps a bit of conversation and kindness between you and all your children is called for

He's said some things that I don't agree with, but OP you are the adult and he's only just finished being a teenager. IMO you were wrong to go quiet on him when he reached out to you and not take him on holiday.

@vhydr was your DD restricted on tickets for the graduation?

Does he have an issue with women?

You made your choices to exclude him before the holiday. It reads like you do lots of things with your other kids. He also reached out to you several times but you didn't respond. Of course he's feeling hurt. If you don't try to fix this now your relationship with him will never recover.

I know I’m in the minority but to me he is very controlling saying things along the lines of he won’t accept being a blended family. Tough shit, your Dad broke my heart. I know it’s hard for him but one day he’ll marry (maybe) and move away etc, you can’t live your life by one child’s rules. I think you should try and repair the relationship but I think you should do that whilst being clear you won’t be dictated to by what is essentially an adult (albeit young) and that he is inky invited if he is getting along with his siblings. You might need to harden towards him, I know it’s not easy but what’s the alternative? Have a 20 year old on holiday with you that is telling you what you can and can’t do? No thank you.

Also, people often seem to think that because they are your children that it is the end of the world to not have contact. That’s only true if it’s a healthy ish relationship. There are lots of people that don’t have contact with their children. I hope that never happens to you but likewise, having someone in your life that tries to tell you what you can and can’t do and blames you for something that isn’t your fault isn’t good for your mental health surely? I would ask if he’s willing to attend therapy with just you.

I wouldn’t have left him out tbh.

I think it would be odd to invite him on the holiday if you haven’t got an ongoing relationship with him, as that isn’t going to make for a good time. But I do think your response can leave space for reflecting on how the relationship has gone and how you both want it to go. Has he been part of the therapy sessions or is that something you could pursue with him?