AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me

Your behaviour shows clearly you did want them to take sides.

Really feel for all your dc...

Your son shouldn’t be punished for living with his dad. His comment was awful and he should apologise.
you shouldn’t facilitate the kids taking sides. You should have talked to him about the holiday and explained why he wasn’t invited or encouraged him and siblings to make amends

“Mama”?! That is hard core emotional blackmail.

You have pushed back on his attempts (prior to the holiday) to re-establish a relationship with you.

He may see being excluded from the holiday (did he know you were going away or has he found out on social media?)as really hurtful and the final push back.

I am not saying he is blameless in this but I think I would feel ganged up on and very hurt my mother was treating me like this.

When parents split, deciding who to 'pick' to live with is a total non-winner. No one is happy.

How far away did you move? Maybe it was more that he didn't want to move house and neighbourhood but you made it all about you and loyalties and then you actions reinforced that

I think your attitude is horrible. It's about you and you've been punishing him for not being on your side. Children should NEVER be put in a position to have to choose. What happens between their parents is not for them to hold.

Sorry OP, but shame on you.

Excluding him from the holiday? Ouch!

I think what you did was quite cruel tbh. You’re his mum and yet you deliberately treated him different to his siblings by excluding him. Like you his whole world has been shattered. Your job imo is to bring him and his siblings together. When you and your ex are gone they will only have each other. I’m not saying I agree with the things he’s said because I don’t but he has reacted from an immature standpoint, unsurprisingly because at 20 he most likely is immature. IMO you’ve made the divide deeper than it had to be instead of trying to help him and his siblings heal.

I think she’s talking about her son not her ex husband

This is terrible advice. He has been shunned by his own mother. She needs to take responsibility for how she has treated him as well. Yes, they need to talk and she needs to explain how he has hurt her. But she absolutely should not make their estrangement all his fault, and she definitely should not tell him she won't talk to him until he's apologized!

He is hurting from the marriage break up and processing it differently from the others. I think you were wrong to go quiet on him when he reached out. He may have taken your DH’s side out of loyalty because the others didn’t, not because he supported what he did. I know of a long married couple splitting up over an affair whose two sons took different sides, it turned out to be because the youngest felt bad that his father (guilty party) had no-one on his side. Both sons are on good terms with both parents now.

I think you need to be the bigger person here and treat him as you do the others. It will pay off in the long run.

He is very young, but old enough to know that you have not broken up the family by leaving his cheating father, his cheating father did that. Also, who does he think he is by telling you that you can't date again? Is there a misogynistic undertone? Being followed around by that attitude would not be my idea of a holiday either. It was unkind of your dd to invite the actual cheating father, but not the brother who ended up being collateral damage. Perhaps the two of you can spend a little time working on building back a relationship, and some therapy for just the two of you is important.

@vhydr Just echoing what others have said regarding where fault lies, however i will just say that at 20, he is old enough to know right from wrong. He should also be aware who the victim is and who is the one responsible. Lashing out at you for moving out is unacceptable. Perhaps you shouldn't have ignored his calls but ultimately he is old enough to know and understand how you may be feeling.

His siblings are also old enough to make decisions and they are clearly annoyed and disappointed with their brother for how he has treated you so inviting your DS on holiday when their is that much going on with your other DC too may not have gone down well. I don't blame you for not inviting him tbh.

You have been through a lot and needed time to recover and be around those who support you. You can and should deal with your eldest in a better way but i don't wholly blame you for not inviting him on holiday TBH.

Read back what you wrote. You are punishing him. Your DH cheated on you, he is still the father of your kids and they are entitled to have a relationship with him if they want to. Your son is not your friend and you are the adult in this. I honestly have no idea how you are going to row back from this because you aren’t being honest with yourself. Are you punishing him because you can’t/won’t have it out with your DH? My mum had a terrible relationship with my Dad but would never hold the line with him because she was frightened of him, far easier to talk to me and blame me because in her head that’s what she would have liked to say to my dad.

You say you didn't want your kids to pick sides but you seem to be punishing him for staying at his Dad's house.

He is out of order in some of the things he has said about you leaving/future relationships but his world was tipped upside down and parental relationships are complex.

I think you can set some firm boundaries with him about his opinions on your actions but I would be putting in tonnes of effort to maintain the relationship. He needs your support and probably also needs your help to keep his relationship with his siblings.

Yabu. He's angry at the situation and you just keep ignoring the poor kid for your own self pity. What a shit thing to do.

I am sorry but you need to be the adult here. Your marriage broke down due to your H's actions. But who knows what shit your H had/had been feeding your DS. When my dad left when I was 16 following an affair he tried to get me on side giving me all the guff about how my mum didn't understand him etc. Classic gaslighting. I was young and idealistic about love and very inexperienced and nearly fell for it.
Even if he chose to remain with his dad, that is his decision. At that point it should have been respected and you should have buried your legitimate feelings of hurt, and maintained a relationship with him. And def not bad mouthed him to his siblings. When he reached out you should not have gone quiet. None of this was his fault. No wonder he feels ostracised.
Then the other bust ups probably would not have happened. And this whole situation would not have occurred.
He is not controlling or having issues with women! He is a young adult struggling with his whole world turning upside down. Its not easier for teenagers and young adults to deal with parental divorce. Its harder.

Sorry to be harsh op but this is not all about you.

He is still the children's father and regardless of what he did to you this is not changing. He reached out and you stayed quiet because you were hurt. Sorry that is awful. His siblings are getting their cues from you about how they treat him. He should have been invited on the family holiday.

However I would be tellling him that he has no say as to whether you go into a new relationship.

I think you are being incredibly cruel tbh. You admit he tried reaching out to you and you ignored him. You then brought his siblings on holiday and posted photos knowing full well he would see them - are you still trying to punish him for choosing to stay with his dad?

Yes, he is an adult but he is still young and dealing with the 'loss' of his mum and siblings. You could really have handled this better, no wonder he is angry.

You are being very unreasonable. He is 19 but is a child on this awful dynamic. He is hurting and needs a parent. Step up.

He had every right to chose not to leave his home. His father’s affair wasn’t his fair and is not a reason why he should terminate his relationship with his Dad anyway.

Your husband cheated on you, not his adult children and it’s disgusting that you are expecting your children to take sides.

You are directing hurtful actions specifically at your own son. That is you treating him much worse than a parent who had an affair.

You need to sit him down and point out a few home truths to him.
The 1st being that his dad destroyed his family by having an affair and all of the consequences rest solely at his father's door
2nd that he has no right to demand that you stay single forever just because his father couldn't keep his vows or his dick in his pants.
3rd that his own words and behaviours are what is driving a wedge between him and his siblings and you.
And finally that when he is prepared to apologise for his choice of words you are ready to speak and forgive him but you will not accept any claim for the consequences of his or his father's choices and actions.
Then step back and wait he will either grow up and accept that its his father thats to blame or he won't, but if he doesn't I feel very sorry for any women who has a relationship with him because he'll likely cheat on her and then blame her for it too

There is a lot going on there.
He chose to stay with his cheating father which has stung, and it is ok to say this to him and to hear his reasoning.

Him telling you he will not accept you moving on or a blended family is his choice but you will not be dictated to him about your choices at all.
Be very clear on that.

His father has broken the family apart and you are doing your best.

His sister not asking him to the graduation and including her father is harsh and needs exploration as to why she would do that.

The holiday might have been an opportunity to heal if he joined you. Could he join you now?

Family breakdown is so hard.

At 20 he is still very young emotionally and I think you need to go easy on him.

He's hurting and feeling abandoned.
Don't take your beef with his father out on him, an easy target.
You have put distance between you and he feels very hurt.

YOU need to be the adult here and not do terrible emotional damage to him.

Definitely look at family therapy.
You and the 4 children.

It is never ok to encourage children of any age to take sides in a divorce/ separation. The situation is not of their making and is hard enough for them to deal with without their own loyalties to their parents to be called into question.

You are totally and utterly BU and I would encourage you to do anything and everything you can to help your son forgive you before you lose him forever.

Blended family?! He's 20. He won't have to share a room with stepbrothers. 🙄

Just hold the boundary that you are his mum, you love him, and that you didn't break the family up by leaving. You left because his dad cheated, and you've moved on. Not from him, but from a dead relationship.

But you need to get a wriggle on to salvage your relationship with your son. You have to be the adult and try really hard to understand your hurt kid. He's now hurt by being left out. You need to convince him by action not words that you haven't left him behind.