AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

Agree. My only child, an adult son, treated me so badly that in the end we broke contact, instigated by him. It was very difficult at first but as he was an abuser I now feel more at peace without him.

But all fathers who treat their child's mother badly are teaching the child to either do or accept the same in their own adult lives. How does that equate with being a good Dad?

It may not be true in your experience but it is in mine! No parent is perfect, we all have our flaws and this is just one aspect of it. Not all shitty husbands are good fathers, not all shitty wives are good mums but some are.

People often say it's possible to be a shitty husband but a good Dad, but that's not actually true. One of the big lessons Dad teaches DC, which Mum can't, is how women should be treated. He shows boys how they should behave towards their partners and he shows girls how they should expect to be treated (one of the reasons women often put up with repeated horrible men).

But, it's not OP's son's fault he had the example of a shitty father, and by withdrawing, she's "proving" his father right.

Yabu! Someone can be a shitty husband but a good dad. And also it is your and your ex relationship that has ended not the kids with their Dad. This happened to me as a kid but it was my stepdad who left my mum, he had been in my life since I was 2 until I was 19 but suddenly I was expected to cut all ties because he wasnt my real dad. I didnt at first and the emotional blackmail and manipulation I suffered from my mum and siblings affects me, and my relationship with them, still today.

I am sorry this happened to you, but please get therapy, rant to friends, go to a rage room, cry, scream into an empty field...whatever you need to do heal but dont take it out on your kids, force them to take sides or punish them for perceived disloyalty, you could damage them for life.

Some if what he has said is too much but he is barely an adult, troubled by the situation. You are his mum first, love him more than you hate you ex.

When you left probably said that the siblings could stay with whomever they wanted and that it didn't matter.

This was a lie on your part and you are taking it out on your DS.

You need to come to terms with this.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day.

This again is fairly standard for any child that has goen through a divorce or even had a parent die.

He has tried to reconcile with you and you have thrown it back in his face.

You need to do something now beofre he gives up.

Lots of you are at fault in this mess.

Your ex chose to have an affair - we don’t know why and what your relationship was like prior to this - but he should have respected you as the mother of his kids enough to end it before embarking on the affair. As I say we don’t know the circumstances to say whether him ending the relationship was understandable.

Kids shouldn’t have to take sides. It is normal for them to love both parents equally. Your eldest stayed for possibly numerous reasons. He feels settled in his family home and didn’t want uprooting. His friends and work are close. He is attached to his room and the environment as a whole and didn’t like the alternative you were moving to. It may not have been him choosing his dad, but the security and comfort of his old life. Who knows, perhaps he decided to stay put in the hopes that you would be encouraged to return home and life would resume as normal. Illogical but it’s a possibility.

He took the massive step of reaching out to you (more than once!) and you ignored him?! You’re supposed to be his mother, and an adult with decades more life experience and wisdom behind you. He was more mature than you were. You could have at least told him you appreciated him getting in touch but you weren’t up to long communication right now. But you blanked him.

Your daughter not inviting him but inviting her dad WHO CHEATED and arguably caused the whole traumatic episode for you all is difficult to excuse or understand. If she was upset he hadn’t moved with you and stayed loyal to their dad, that’s one thing, but then she went and invited her dad, so how the hell did she justify that?!

You not inviting your eldest and labelling him an adult when he has a sibling just a year younger than him who is also an adult smacks of you making excuses to justify your treatment of him, which seems like deliberate punishment over his loyalty. You should have told him about the holiday and seen if he wanted to come as you’d presumably invited all his other siblings who are close in age despite the misleading title of your post. He had tried to reach out to you before so it wasn’t a case of him never communicating with you and cutting you out of his life - in fact it seems the opposite. You not only don’t invite him, you then POSTED PHOTOS of you and your other kids enjoying the holiday without him!!! What a thoughtless/ vindictive thing to do.

Him telling you he won’t accept you remarrying etc is neither here nor there at this point. It’s obv none of his business, and a bit rich considering his father’s behaviour, who is presumably in another relationship and your son has accepted this. Have you pointed this double standard out to him? It indicates he still sees you as his safe person in the family dynamics and doesn’t want your role to change or be affected by a new relationship. It is perhaps a childish view, but he is only 20, and a lot of adults still see their mums in that role for decades.

No one has covered themselves in glory here but it sounds as if your son needs you and him talking about your future relationships shows he is still deeply unsettled and needs you to provide him with some emotional security and warmth. I think he needs to be supported in getting some therapy/ counselling in order to process this situation as he seems to be the one most negatively affected by it from your account, although it would probably be extremely beneficial to you all.

horribly sad situation and if it blew up in March, only 5 months ago, so very raw still.

pointless re examining who was right and wrong in the past interactions. it doesn't matter really either.

if I were you I would reach out to your son and try and meet up. a hug, a kiss and take it from there.

you have 20 years of love, care and trust with each other. don't risk that just because your husband was a twat. the sooner you do it the better.

Not really helpful at all. Villain. Ffs.

The villain is the father who has thrown everyone into this mess.

The op needs to reach out to her son and rebuild her relationship completely separately to what has happened.

It is extraordinary how many people do not realise that a cheater betrays the children just as much as their partner, and the shock and devastation is enormous.

The impact is horrendous and often life long.

When a parent cheats they don't just betray their spouse. The children in these situations are as much "victims" of the affair as the betrayed spouse is. Even more so if the fallout of the separation plays out like it has for this OPs family. This eldest sons life as he has known it has imploded, siblings moved with OP and still have a relationship with DF. Eldest son has been punished for the decision he made and as a result his mother ignored him when he reached out, his siblings may have followed OPs lead as highly likely OP has made her feelings on DS's "disloyalty" to her known to the younger children. How could he feel anything but a "victim" as you call it when absolutely none of this was his fault?!

Really? Almost narcissistic must be a typo, as is saying very entitled. It may be the lad was and is just overwhelmed, hurting and coming to terms with the devastating break up which isn’t OPs or any of the DCs fault. Doesn’t mean he has a serious MH problem and suggesting it puts the blame on him, imho.

"the situation seems to be pretty black and white" - that kind of immature thinking is exactly why it's such a mess.

YANBU. He is a grown adult and he has behaved appallingly. I couldn’t imagine treating my mum like that if my dad cheated on her after 26 years of marriage. It’s not about ‘picking sides’ but the situation seems to be pretty black and white.

She’s definitely turned out to be the villain in this.

I haven’t diagnosed anyone with anything.

Holy Lord

But the spat is he sees his dad and that’s wrong so the sibs and op are shunning him.
but is ok for her to see dad, and Op isn’t shunning her?
poor lad, best out of this batshittery

I think this is just a siblings spat, so in the sister’s POV that would be separate to inviting the father, who presumably she didn’t have an argument with.

Although he sounds misogynistic with the comments he has made he is probably also hurt and grieving. You should have actively been trying to repair the relationship between him and you and the other siblings. Instead you are punishing him for staying with his dad.

You isolated him and have allowed his siblings to gang up on him. That's awful..

This is wrong.

He cheated on his wife but he also destroyed the family unit. Everything the children know.

They too are entitled to feel rage and hurt at his betrayal.

I agree. Your son reached out to you and you rebuffed him, that’s shameful.

Except it very much is. Giving him the silent treatment (surprised no mumsnetter has popped up to say this is abusive) and deliberately excluding him on a trip and posting photos about it?! Sounds like punishment to me. If it's not punishment, it's just plain awful behaviour.

I can’t quite get my head around your daughter inviting her dad to her graduation, the very reason for the divorce but not her brother? Why??? Did you go quiet on your daughter at this point or was all the blame directed again at your eldest son? Honestly, WTH OP. I can’t fathom why you are so mad at your eldest son in all of this? He is as much a victim as you are. Kids and young adults don’t have it all figured out and as such say some pretty silly things sometimes, but you are a fully grown adult so you need to behave like one in this situation & build your relationship with your eldest back again, if it’s not already damaged beyond repair…