AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

I'd feel pretty left out if I was him too. He's been left out of his sisters graduation and then a family holiday.

Do I agree with his attitude regarding the break up of the family (because his Dad did that not you) and the blended family comment (because you are allowed to move on wether he accepts it or not)? No it's appalling but you and his siblings punishing him because he hasn't reacted to Dad's affair the way you wanted and remained "loyal" like the other 3 isn't ok either you say you don't expect him to pick sides but your actions and the words you've said here show that you do and that's not right no matter how hurt you (understandably) are.

OP, you were hurt that your DS chose his father over you, especially as it was his DF who instigated the divorce - but that doesn’t make it OK to go silent on him. Our DC can expect and deserve our unwavering love, even in the face of quite outrageously unreasonable behaviour. As far as the holiday is concerned, I can see how you didn’t think you were being unreasonable, in that you were going on holiday with your household, and relationship were also strained between siblings, but at the same time, I can quite understand how hurtful that would have seemed to your left out DS. Does his father take him in holiday at all? You don’t want to end up in a sort of Instagram one-upmanship competition with your ex. Is there any sort of rapprochement between your DS and his other siblings since then, or has he turned his back on all of you? Very definitely, there are bridges that need to be built, and clearly your DS is hurt. If he feels that “I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider”, then what can you do to show him that this isn’t the case? You need to speak to your resident DC and point out that they are all equally your DC including eldest DS, and that maybe you should be thinking of things to do as a family together. Do you ever have eldest DS over for dinner, or to go out together with the others? You need to see how you can find a way back for you and eldest DS, before it’s too late.

How on earth has it all come to this? We separated when our children were younger (teenagers) but never once was there any taking sides or division and never, ever would I 'go quiet' on my child! I cannot understand why any adult would do that to a child. No matter what. No matter what was said to me by a young adult trying to get their head around their parents separation. No matter that he is choosing to live with his father; why shouldn't he? He is his parent as well!

I understand that you are hurting, it is painful by this is a cruel way to treat your son.

You say you never wanted your children to pick sides but you did actually want them to pick your side and you punished your eldest son for not picking your side. You've admitted you shunned him when he reached out to you.

As the eldest child, did it ever occur to you that he may have felt a responsibility towards his father, as in not leaving him to live alone when you all left? Eldest children often take on responsibility that is not theirs to carry. Imagine how he felt when you all left. This is not a situation of his making, the breakdown of your marriage isn't something he has any control over.

You are rightly and understandably resentful of your ex husband for his betrayal. It's a difficult situation for all of you and there will be things said and done that may well be regretted down the line.

I hope you will reach out to your eldest son and work towards making amends and protecting your relationship with him going forward. Practicing and modelling compassion and forgiveness towards him would be a good start. Have some honest conversation and apologise sincerely for any hurt caused.

Is his dad not taking him on holiday?

I think kids say lots of things. Ofc it’s not up to him what the op does. Nor would I actually take much notice of it.

I thought that 😂 I assume the Dad in all this didn’t actually stay with his affair partner but what does the 20 year think he’ll do if his Dad moves someone in? Which men are much more likely to do (for all the unpaid labour) I know a man that says this to his Mum btw, he’s in his 30’s and his Mum has abided by that rule and will likely die alone (sounds like bliss to me but obviously not everyone). 20 is young but he’s no longer a child, he needs to face adulthood.

You 100% are treating him as though he’s picked his dad’s side. Equally, you’ve shown your younger DC that they are in favour with you because they picked you.

he’s been punished for not moving out of his home. The younger DCs are probably worrying that you’ll view any communication they have with their dad as disloyalty to you.

I get you’re heartbroken and betrayed. Your life has been been blown apart. But so have the childrens and it’s up to you to make things as easy as possible for them to feel unconditionally loved.

I think it’s really really hard for kids to navigate life when their parents lob a grenade in the shape of an affair into their families.

It was ofc really painful he chose to stay and live with his dad. But I would not have held it against him. I would simply have maintained the relationship without discussing his choice unless he brought it up.

Least said, soonest mended.

It seems like all the pain of your husband’s disgusting behaviour and failure as an honest person, husband and father is being taken out on your son. The wrong target.

He might well have come round to agreeing that his dad has behaved dreadfully in his own time.

All he has learned now is that if he makes a really hard choice in what I am sure were stressful times, his family will lash out and exclude him from family events.

You’ve all behaved shitly now. Not just your slag of a husband. I feel sorry for your eldest son. As well as your other kids but he seems to really in the firing line.

He won’t accept a blended family if you re-marry in the future, yet he chose to stay with your ex who broke up the family through an affair?! Is he still seeing the ow? It’s not acceptable for your ds to try to control you by saying that. Has he learnt controlling behaviour from his df? He can’t expect to be invited on holiday given he’s diametrically opposed to his siblings re staying with his df and they all had a big row, not conducive to enjoying a relaxed holiday.

You didn't take him on holidays because of what your husband did, you made your own child pick sides and punished him because he didnt pick ypur side

Sure justify it to yourself you are the one to have to face him not us

He is obviously hurting at the breakup of his family. Staying with his dad per se is not a betrayal of you. I'm sure there were practical considerations to wanting to stay in his own home too, and it is unfair to force children to pick sides, even if one party was very clearly at fault. All your children should be allowed to still love their dad and have a relationship with him even whilst acknowledging he did something wrong.

In your shoes I would be making it clear to your son that I will not be tolerating him giving you all the blame or commenting on your hypothetical future relationship choices. BUT at the same time, you are the parent here, so there is much more onus on you to reach out to him. Ignoring his attempts to reach out was petty. Maybe understandable when you were hurting, but also must have been extremely hurtful for him too, to be ignored by his own mother while trying to reach out. It's on you now to make a massive effort to reach out to him and repair the relationship. I would also be encouraging the siblings to make up with each other.

This is such an uncomfortable read. You’ve excluded him for choosing to live his Dad which is an awful thing to put on your him.

Has it ever occurred to you he felt he had to stay as everyone else left? And then when you left home it didn’t feel like it did before so he blames you. Obviously you couldn’t stay due to your ex, but you could manage your relationship with him separately. I understand that the older you are, the harder it can be to understand your parents separating.

It’s due to the OP’s crap reaction to her 20 year olds behaviour.

I think you need to start from the place of no one (apart from ex) wants to be in this situation. Everyone has been hurt. 3 of your kids packed up and went with you. DS might have found it hard to walk away from home. All of your kids are individuals.
It's also true that your DS is worried about you moving on with someone else.
I don't think you were wrong to go on hols with the younger ones but you chose not to tell him. That i think was wrong.
In the circs maybe the best thing to do is talk to him. Explain that you are not choosing sides in his sibling group but that taking all of them would likely have ruined it for all
Plan to do something with him?

The estrangment is due to the sons inappropriate comments and demands though and the family breakdown is solely the fathers fault
Until the son accepts that he has no right to dictate to his mother whether she can move on or not and his father broke up the family not his mother there's no chance of a meaningful relationship between mother and son.
He's 20 now and needs to grow up

“You’re my son and I love you, but you’re an adult and are old enough to understand that me leaving your father didn’t break up our family - your father broke it the moment he started sleeping with another woman. He will always be your dad and I’m not asking you to choose between us, but I am asking you to stop punishing me for being unable to accept a marriage on those terms. At the moment I’m not dating anyone and have no interest in dating, I’m focused on healing from the pain and shock of discovering that the man I loved, trusted and thought I would spend my entire life with, turned out to be someone I didn’t even know. The man I married would have never dreamt of cheating on me and his family. One day, in the future, I may meet someone. If that happens, I’d expect you to treat them with the respect I’ll treat any partner of yours - but this isn’t a blended family situation. You’d never be sharing a house and they’d never have a parental role with you - you’re not a child. I know you’re struggling at the moment. I think we all are. If you’re open to it, I’d be interested in attending family counseling with you.”

I think you need to apologise and explain due to the recent issues you thought it was best that the two of you try and build a relationship without involving your siblings for now until all the emotions are less raw.

By default you have made him pick sides.

He choose to stay in his family home. Can't blame him for that. You wanted him to pick sides which is awful.

Not if that's what he calls her. Mine call me mamma and mummy. They would never call me mum.

You say you weren’t expecting him to choose sides, then immediately list a load of reasons you are disappointed he didn’t choose to live with you. And you went quiet on him.

You made him choose.

I think you need to make the effort to show him he is still loved. It won't be obvious to him given what has happened. I understand the divorce is not your fault but it wasn't his either.

He is 20 but still immature and he is your child. Instead of helping him understand your point of view (which will be difficult because again, he's 20 and you're his parent - he probably still doesn't see you as an individual person), you've ignored him and taken his siblings on a holiday without even telling him, never mind inviting him. Stop punishing him for his fathers actions. He is still allowed to love his dad in spite of what was done to you. Explain to him how you're feeling but don't expect him to fully grasp it. Please don't blame him or keep pushing him away.