AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

Maybe the father despite his affair, is not emotionally blackmailing his children. Maybe the son can understand why the father had an affair 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yet OP's son feels the need to assimilate comfortably into his father's world while condemning his mother.

Tasteless. Poor judgement.

He is 20, not 12.

OP was understandably wounded by his deeply unpleasant remarks. I would have stepped back and allowed him the opportunity to reflect upon the absurdity he had so carelessly allowed to pass his lips.

I would never allow my DC to ever speak to me in this manner without consequence.

@waterrat

What about OP’s feelings? Do they not count because she is a woman? Because she is a mother? Her son is an adult he should be capable of expressing empathy towards his poor mother.

I actually find this hard to believe

you 'went quiet' on your own son? He is your child. He had conflicted painful emotions - you and your husband very clearly wanted the kids taking sides - you certainly did. That is specifically waht divorcing parents are NOT supposed to do.

He was a teenager at the time, his brain hadn'f fully developed

You are supposed to always be there for him! That's how it is being a parent.

It's a forum, dear—a point of discussion.

Can nuclear families not experience such complexities in equal measure?

A shallow gaze you have.

You do realise he doesnt have the casting vote on who either of them have a relationship with, dont you?

It is entirely reasonable for a son who has only known his parents relationship to struggle to see his mum having future relationships. The fact his dad is in one is probably something he is dealing with himself.

All he has said is his honest opinion at the current time. Is it so difficult to imagine a young man saying this whilst trying to come to terms with his mum ditching him, his dad shagging about and his siblings putting up the barriers. Most would say things they may mean at the time but further down the line accept they were wrong.

@Ocelotfeet27

good job he is an adult then and his mother’s relationships are none of his business

The parents have only been separated since March after a long marriage, it's way to soon for a blended family on either side.
No he shouldn't be telling her that, but OP has hardly helped herself by admitting she has been standoffish with him because he chose to live with his father - which is a totally valid choice to make.

Are you being wilfully obtuse, or is this simply a lapse in judgment?

The father deliberately broke the family apart. He has likely moved on to another woman, and OP's son is projecting.

Your son sounds quite misogynistic, tbh…like it’s ok for his father to have an affair but not ok for OP as a now single woman to have a relationship! Yeah, no.

Yeah. He sounds a right wrong 'un that son. He doesn't deserve a holiday with OP.

And this. Excellent post @theresnolimits

Clearly you’re very invested in this situation but any family with step parents/siblings is more complicated, note I didn’t say it was better or worse.

OP’s son would do well to open his eyes and free himself from his father’s rather tainted perspective. His condemnation would be far better directed at his father’s conduct.

This.

You are punishing your son for your husbands affair. That is not ok and therefore YABU.

We have no idea what the exh is up to post split

Plenty of blended families manage quite gracefully; your view is simply rather narrow.

You can argue that. But it’s not true from the son’s point of view.

Yet, the father can entertain other women?

Hogwash.

Sorry OP, but I think you have got this completely wrong. You have chose to frame DS as the villain by staying with his father. His family was falling apart (I expect there were rows and recriminations) and he has chosen to stay in his ‘safe place’. Was it near friends, girlfriend/boyfriend, college, part time job? He is allowed to choose the familiar in a time of turmoil.

But instead of accepting that, you have blamed him, ignored him, encouraged division with his siblings and thrown a family holiday without him in his face. Listen to him - he feels an outsider, he has no family. You did that.

The comment about you moving on was stupid and I bet there’s more context. But it is also a wounded young man who is emotionally immature and is clearly anxious about being sidelined yet further. Again, listen to why he might have said that.

You need to fix this. He’s not responsible for your pain but you are for some of his. Reach out. Include the siblings. Be his mother.

Just for the record, the son is 20. He is a young man. He doesnt need to be part of any blended family. It hasnt got a thing to do with his mother or his father whether he integrates into their future relationships with other partners. All he has said is he cannot see himself acccepting his mum in future relationships. Big deal. His relationship with his mum is all that matters.

The here and now is he has a mum on one side and a father on the other. Where he lives/sleeps should have zero bearing on how his relationship with either goes.

It’s more complicated than an ‘unblended’ one - no matter what anyone says.

The second her cheating ex-husband penetrated another woman was when his family broke apart.

What about his arsehole father who was shagging someone young enough to be his offspring while he was married?! Not one word to say against him?

THIS!!! Have you reminded him about this, OP? His father is the one who broke up the family