AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

Did you ignore the fact that her son tried to reach out to her and she ignored him. He decided to stay with his dad, he didn't do anything to his mum except chose not to live with her. It was the OP who decided to punish him by ignoring him, despite claiming she didn't want her kids to take sides. Clearly meaning I didn't want them to take sides as long as they took my side.

@Girlwithavibe

OP is innocent too

Don't punish him for loving his dad he didn't hurt his son he hurt you !
And he obviously knew his dad was gunna be left !
As a mother don't play a victim in front of your son !
That's making him pick a side !
You should not have gone cold on him regardless his dad caused these actions not your son !
Sorry I'm blunt but your son is innocent in all this

100% agree.

Consequences go both ways...

'My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.'

This part - this is the part that struck me. Regardless of why you ignored him, he felt ignored by his mother during a very difficult time. Difficult for all of you.

Is he naive?

He knows what his father did, yet feels it is appropriate to punish his mother? Her other kids know better - the younger ones, at that.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides.

"I just ignored his attempts at contact because he chose to stay with his father, then didn't invite him on holiday because of an argument with his sister."

But no - nobody's taking sides 🤔

@Rosecoffeecup

OP can’t force her feelings 🤷‍♀️ Her son hurt her. It’s fine for him to know that.

Yes, and I do not blame them.

Be the devoted, upright mother: tend to the children, keep the household running, cook, clean, work, meet every expectation placed upon you — only to be met with your children’s resentment when your partner ultimately chooses to betray you.

Oh, joy!

It sounds like your oldest son is struggling with change. Not wanting to move, not wanting a blended family etc. I think you need to stand up to him more and communicate. This situation isn’t fair on anyone but he is an adult. If you want a relationship with him you need to work on it and start involving him, even in a 1-1 situation. It’s not his fault his dad cheated. I would have probably invited him but it could have been a nightmare if no one got on.

YABVVVVVU. You are the mature adult here, he's a naive 20 year old. You have gone quiet on him as punishment and that is unfair.

A 20-year-old man is a kid?

One has to ask oneself why a grown man would support his father in such circumstances.

And what about OPs behaviour? Do you think it's okay to ignore your 20 year old son when he reaches out to you? Do you think it's okay to take all your kids away but exclude one? Shouldn't she apologise for going out of her way to exclude and punish her son just because he chose to stay with dad?

OP could have chosen to take the moral high ground when it came to the children, has chosen not to, and has not only fractured her own relationship with her son, but he other children’s relationship with him as well.

Don't you think it's tasteless or shows poor judgment?

His dad chose to penetrate another woman, which ended their marriage.

OP's son chose to live with his father and behave poorly.

They brought it on themselves and must learn the consequences.

Your 20 year old had always loved his mum and dad. Equally.

Then you left his dad, (the reasons matter to you …but not here ) and his three siblings chose to go with you.
Nobody can blame your oldest for choosing to stay with his dad…maybe it was just to even things up a bit, and as the oldest he could have felt that as a burden or responsibility to try to do what he saw as the right or diplomatic thing.
You incorrectly took it as a slight/offence against you, when it wasn’t at all.

Your break up and the details of it and your hurt of the fall out and your ‘raw’ feelings, whilst justified for you, were nothing to do with any of your children.

The effects of all that should not have been put on their shoulders in any way.

You should have known that they would simply never ever understand any of it on the same level as you. How could they ? They didn’t have that emotional maturity or that lived experience as a partner.

So yes, OP, subconciously, you did kind of punish your son by going quiet on him. He was already suffering and you let him know how you felt by not responding to him ….as if he had also cheated on you.

It’s black and white for you but it never is for the children….as shown by your daughter inviting her dad to the graduation. You have to go with that, instead of reacting against it. That's your job as a mum. Brush it off and still love them.

Keep your painful divorce right away from your children. Never speak ill of their dad. Try to keep your tears to yourself. You have to dig deep to do all that I know, but if you want lovely relationships down the line with them all, it’s absolutely what you must do …aim to keep your suffering well away from them if you can.

You have a lot of talking to do with your boy. He’s vulnerable even though he’s the oldest. Tread carefully. Apologise for your mistake and make sure he knows you don’t blame him for anything and that you will always, always love him and include him in the future. None of this has been his fault. It was caused between the break up of you and your ex, both of whom he loves equally.
Good luck with everything OP.

Just to add…of course he wouldn't want to have to live with a blended family.
He wasn’t dictating or trying to control, he was expressing a fear. But you couldn’t see it that way as you were too entrenched in suffering your own, all-consuming injustice.

Your son reached out a number of times and you went quiet on him? YABVU. You’re the proper adult here, you need to fix this or you’ll have no relationship with him going forward.

Yes your husband broke the family up by cheating, but you’re breaking it up further now.

Your poor son was probably upset and hurt and confused and didn’t know how to act at the time. Get in touch with him, apologise, and try to heal this.

It’s no wonder there are so many misogynistic men marrying and fucking up women’s lives, if they are being pandered to by their mothers, the way posters are suggesting this 20 year old man be kid gloved through his disgusting take on his betrayed mother.

Clearly! It’s no wonder more and more women are choosing to remain child free…

Actually there is hurt on both sides. Despite being 20 he’s still the kid and she’s the parent.

How do you know its tasteless poor judgement?

I wont go over it again as PP have outlined reasonable reasons for the son to stay put. None of it nasty, non of it about choosing sides. Just plain old keeping his life balance normal.

He didnt shag this other women, his dad did. Regardless of who he lives with he should not be punished in any way.

@Baileyss

that’s so out of order. Why are you so misogynistic??

Apologies for going slightly off topic but the "my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together" bit shocked me tbh.

With the eldest only 20 then the affair must have last for most of the marriage or may even predate the marriage though that would probably have been mentioned in the OP if that had been the case.

Evidently, OP’s feelings are of little consequence in this rather unfortunate arrangement.

She is, it seems, expected to remain steadfast, holding the family together while absorbing the aftershocks and indignities delivered by both her son and her ex-husband.

Good gracious.