AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

OP's son has already chosen the side he wanted to align himself with:

A. He moved in with his father, leaving his siblings behind
B. Blaming his mother for ending the relationship

Ludicrous.

They certainly do.

OP's son chose to live with the adulterous parent and is experiencing the consequences.

That’s incredibly unreasonable to ask children to take sides. He may not like what his Dad did but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love him. I have a 19yr with my ex who was in love with another woman when we were married. I have NEVER mentioned it to her.

A 20-year-old man is a kid?

One has to ask oneself why a grown man would support his father in such circumstances.

Did you ignore the fact that her son tried to reach out to her and she ignored him. He decided to stay with his dad, he didn't do anything to his mum except chose not to live with her. It was the OP who decided to punish him by ignoring him, despite claiming she didn't want her kids to take sides. Clearly meaning I didn't want them to take sides as long as they took my side.

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

So, it's fine for her son to punish her?

Yes you’re being unreasonable

he reached out to you and you admit you went quiet on him.

you say you don’t expect them to take sides - but your actions demonstrate otherwise which is pretty despicable to be honest. They may be older teens / young adults but keep them out if your relationship - they have two parents who they love and should be free to speak to /see/ live with either of you without repercussions

I think your behaviour is awful tbh

Did you ignore the fact that her son tried to reach out to her and she ignored him. He decided to stay with his dad, he didn't do anything to his mum except chose not to live with her. It was the OP who decided to punish him by ignoring him, despite claiming she didn't want her kids to take sides. Clearly meaning I didn't want them to take sides as long as they took my side.

I bet some of you on here think OP should stay single for ever to appease her son!!

They certainly do.

OP's son chose to live with the adulterous parent and is experiencing the consequences.

You made your choices to exclude him before the holiday. It reads like you do lots of things with your other kids. He also reached out to you several times but you didn't respond. Of course he's feeling hurt. If you don't try to fix this now your relationship with him will never recover.

Yes but her actions going forward are horrible

Don't punish him for loving his dad he didn't hurt his son he hurt you !
And he obviously knew his dad was gunna be left !
As a mother don't play a victim in front of your son !
That's making him pick a side !
You should not have gone cold on him regardless his dad caused these actions not your son !
Sorry I'm blunt but your son is innocent in all this

Did you ignore the fact that her son tried to reach out to her and she ignored him. He decided to stay with his dad, he didn't do anything to his mum except chose not to live with her. It was the OP who decided to punish him by ignoring him, despite claiming she didn't want her kids to take sides. Clearly meaning I didn't want them to take sides as long as they took my side.

Consequences go both ways...

@Girlwithavibe

OP is innocent too

Don't punish him for loving his dad he didn't hurt his son he hurt you !
And he obviously knew his dad was gunna be left !
As a mother don't play a victim in front of your son !
That's making him pick a side !
You should not have gone cold on him regardless his dad caused these actions not your son !
Sorry I'm blunt but your son is innocent in all this