AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

So no then.

Of course the OP is rightly very hurt at her husbands disgusting betrayal, but her children are not just dealing with his betrayal, they are dealing with the break up of the family unit.

OP is an adult and should seek therapy to help her get through this, and to ensure she doesn't unconsciously indulge in parentification of her children, which is catastrophically damaging to children.

My son's friends family are going through this and they are 18-22 years old, and the upset has been frankly horrific.

Having your family blown up by infidelity is hard to quantify pain wise, unless you witness it up close, or are going through it.

No doubt this filth is coming from his father, and he clearly supports it.

Crass and vile.

You shouldn't have ignored him and you shouldn't have left him out of anything. He is allowed to choose to stay with his father, he may have just wanted to stay in familiar surroundings with more space .

Your DD should have invited him to graduation.

You need to tell DS that after his father had an affair, you had no choice but to move out as he had effectively ended the marriage when he started the affair.

Also tell DS that he cannot dictate your future life, you are as entitled as his father is, to make a new life for yourself.

I don't know if there are any cultural issues here, as he does sound very misogynistic.

You can all rescue this, but you all need to talk and listen to each other, and he in particular needs to know that his comments are not true and not acceptable.

My children have been raised with sufficient manners not to address me in such a discourteous manner. Were they ever to forget themselves, there would be proper consequences.

I can't help but feel you are weaponising your kids in this. While feeling desperately sorry for what has happened to you.

That is utter nonsense.

Why should the OP be expected to tolerate the vile narratives he insists on peddling?

The younger children have shown rather more sense, and she is quite rightly shielding them from his repugnant behaviour. The OP has, with considerable grace, arranged therapy to address the damage already done.

Why, then, should she welcome him back only for him to trample over the progress they have worked so hard to make?

If you dont want to end up estranged you need to have a proper sit down convo with him and be an adult.

Some of what he has said is nonsense / not okay.

demanding what you can and cant do smacks of misogyny but equally you dont need to tell him you are on hinge lookong for happiness with a new love.

I cant imagine why anyone would care about missing their siblings graduation and also why he'd want to go on holiday with his siblings with things as there... you can discuss this sensibly.

Oh for goodness sake.

Have you ever said anything that later on you changed your mind about? Adjusted to a new set of circumstances?

@Newyearawaits

this! Who does he think he is trying to dictate to his mother that she should stay single for ever?!

I can't imagine what one of my kids could do for me to turn my back on them, living with their dad certainly isn't worth driving them away. Why would a grown adult be sulking about picking sides.

I would have invited him. Your son seems to be bearing the brunt of your anger at exh and that's unfair. You shouldn't have expected any of your children to pick sides you put them in an impossible situation. As the eldest he would have felt an enormous responsibility to have stayed with his father because you went with the other three and then you cut him loose despite his efforts.I think you need to reconsider using your children as pawns and apologise to your edest and try and rebuild your relationship before it's too late.

Do you have children?

For the vile misogynistic narratives spewing from her son's lips.

He’s hurting
you went quiet on him
you have had lovely bonded time with the other three
you went away without asking him
poor bloke -
put your heart and soul into repairing the relationship- don’t punish him for ‘siding with his dad’
like you say - it’s not about sides -
it’s about coming through a divorce with everyone in tact -
and this son is not -
he’s clearly feeling rejected / abandoned-
own that and work through this with him

Rubbish.

The OP’s relationship with her exH shouldn’t be trashing her relationship with her children or between the siblings.

But the younger children all know very well the consequences of upsetting mum now don’t they. They’ll get cut off.

She’s not a great mother at all.

Children need to understand the consequences of their action, and that is a completely different thing from punishment.

Taking your own hurt out on your children, as OP did, is disgraceful and no good parent does that. If you think it is acceptable, then you can jog on and join OP in the 'bad parents monthly' news bulletin.

But I can see you're basically the only person on this thread defending OP. OPs second account, perhaps? 😂

Punished for what??????
Holy Lord

I very much doubt the OP would have cut him off for that “one decision”. Unfortunately he took the second and third decisions to blame his mother for breaking up the family and telling her how to live her life going forward. The OP is allowed to protect herself from this misogynistic narrative while she’s picking up the pieces of her life.

This in abundance
OP, you are being unbelievably unreasonable ++++++

Children do need to be punished.

OP's son needs to be corrected, as his behaviour is unacceptable.

OP is evaluating the impact of his actions to prevent further upset towards her other kids.

She is a great mother.

I think you have effectively rewarded the children that sided with you with a holiday and punished him by excluding him. That's obviously going to have a huge impact on your eldest, and will scare your younger children off having a good relationship with their dad, even if that's what's best for them.

I'm sure you're really hurt by your ex husband's betrayal. That's not a good reason to encourage your children to take sides though. As a parent, your job is to tell them that you will never expect them to take sides and you will love them regardless of any relationship they have with their dad.

My dad cheated on my mum (when I was younger than your children). I judge him for this, but I'm really grateful that my mum taught me that my relationship with my dad was separate from whatever happened between the two of them. My life would have been negatively affected if I hadn't had a good relationship with my dad, regardless of whether he was unfaithful, and life would still be tricky if I got the impression that my mum wanted me on her 'side'.

My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Don't make excuses.

You punished your son. Parent's should never do that.

Your other children saw you doing that and have followed suit and by not inviting him on the holiday you have further excluded him.

Regardless of anything else, that behaviour from you was utterly abhorrent.

He is a twenty year old man. He chose to stay with his dad and that’s fine. Your other children have naturally formed a closer bond through living together. The graduation wasn’t your business to sort out. You can offer to meet up for coffees with the eldest son if you like but you need to make clear that his attitude isn’t welcomed and you’re allowed to date just like their dad is.