AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

You are punishing him for ' picking his dad's side' when he choose to stay in his home, and not leave with you. You haven't properly forgiven him for deciding to stay in his home. You should not expect children to pick ' sides' when they were old enough to be making the choice they thought was best for them.
You are not even inviting him to join you on the stuff you do with your favoured children. You need to try to rebuild the bridges that you accuse him of burning when he didn't burn it, you took it away

Everybody is allowed their own views on this, and you seem to have one view. Are you actually from a separate household? Have your children been through this? Have you been this situation and had to look after your kids through it?

Yes, indeed.

Let me stand there, strong in my resolve, while I am being cheated on and blamed for dismantling the family, while misogynistic comments are spewed in my face.

😂

Are people missing the point that this is a 20 year old not a 15 year old?

I think the eldest son sounds quite misogynistic if he blamed the OP for breaking up the family after her husband cheated. He also doesn’t want OP to start another relationship, yet seemingly had no issue with his dad sleeping with a younger woman. He’s old enough to know better, and it sounds like he’s made his bed and now has to lie in it.

I think it is a bit harsh to ignore someone who is reaching out but understand why the OP is hurt by all of this and don't understand why he would be invited on the holiday after all of this.

It is exceptionally shit parenting to make your children choose sides. You need to respect the fact that all your children are entitled to a relationship with their father, and to love him.

Obviously he shouldn't have said what he did, but to ignore him and then not take him on the holiday is brutal.

My mother tried to pull a similar stunt when my father left her 20 years ago - now my siblings and I have a great relationship with him but a very strained one with her.

it's hard but I don't understand why Kids have this attitude. Its like another thread on here where an 18 year old is making demades about his father's finances. Massive entitlement. I think you should tell your son that he is entitled to his feelings, but needs to be respectful to his family members, and that he does not get to dictate your choices. He's 20, way too old to be behaving like this.

Yes, it's hilarious you would ask such a question.

@LittleBearPad

well not everyone is the same is you. Not everyone thinks they have to be a martyr as a mother and accept misogyny from their offspring

Wow how hilarious. No one thinks him having an affair is ok, lots of people do it. But that doesn't mean he isn't sorry or to some extent a good father. Making children choose is horrible and refusing to speak to one because he wants a relationship with his father is pretty low.

because he had an affair with a much younger colleague having being "happily" married for 26 years.

Poor lad, his family blew up. He stayed with his dad (his relationship and choice of where to live shouldn’t be defined by what happened between his parents) and his siblings and mum seem to be ostracising him for staying with his dad.

You sound like you wanted loyalty but he stayed where he wanted (a fair choice and he shouldn’t have to choose his mum because his dad did something wrong, that’s not right).

If you carry on, you’ll loose you son. He’s only 20, they may be adults but they’re still very young. You’re the adult, don’t leave him out and help rebuild his relationships with his siblings, who sound like they are following your lead.

He penetrated another woman, dismantled the relationship and is indoctrinating the son into making distasteful remarks.

Does the father sound responsible?

😂

Why did your DD invite her dad to graduation and not her brother? Seems like a strange thing to do given that it was her dad that blew the family apart.

How do you know his Dad takes no responsibility and does what he likes?

I will not tolerate misogyny, blackmail or vile comments from anyone, especially not my children.

It is not misogynistic for a child to think that the parent who does not forgive but instead walks out is "breaking up the family". We do not know that he would not have felt the same had the OP had the affair and his father had walked out rather than forgiving. To be honest, re-reading the OP, you are not just being U but YABVU. He wanted you to stay, he wanted it to be like nothing had happened. This is very unreasonable but not surprising. But you absolutely did expect him to pick sides and to leave your ex completely alone as the ultimate punishment and then went cold on your own son when he tried to reach out to you a few times. Yes, your ex is the original source of all this damage but you have really done some of your own there to your son. Ignoring him, going on holiday without him and posting photos for him to see... what were you thinking? I understand that you have been completely devastated by your husband's infidelity but you are being very self-centred here. You say you feel 'gutted' by your son's deep hurt at somehow becoming the family outcast - more unacceptable than even his cheating father - and then go on to justify it by saying he's an adult who didn't pick you.

She did. I’m not sure however that anyone with children can possibly have so little empathy for the son.

he made himself the outsider- he made the wrong choice, he knows it but he wants to blame someone else- don't play.
He is your son not your keeper, if you decide to have a relationship it is literally none of his business
Your eldest son is clearly someone who would rather be the victim than take responsibility for his own actions- this is reflected in his choice only you can do wrong, not his father- he is seeking to emulate his Dad and do what he likes and never have to take responsibility for it, cut him off and don't feel bad about it.

@LittleBearPad

shes just said she has children.

Yes, it's perfectly acceptable to step back from a misogynistic son who blames you for ending your marriage, despite being cheated on.

He is 20, not 12.

What your husband did was a crappy thing to do. But never ask your children to take sides, it just isn’t fair. I love both my children equally and also understand that they love their father. If he did something like that I would expect them to be sympathetic to me but not try to fight my battles for me. Your eldest son is feeling alienated. Once you get back meet him 1-2-1 and talk to him about how you feel and hear what he has to say. All the best.

Haven't RTFT but I think OP has behaved poorly towards DC1. You say you didn't expect DC to picks sides, but really you did. You focussed so much on you being the victim and are bitter you didn't get a clean sweep of all DC wanting to stay with you.

For all we know exH has a stronger relationship and DC1 and has been more involved and spent more time wih him. Or perhaps DC1 felt torn that his dad would be lonely.

I think your behaviour and post shows all the focus is on you as a victim and wanting loyalty, and punishing your son.

I'm aware he was incredibly unkind saying that and out of order to say OP wasn't allowed to date. That's not okay. It's also not okay to ignore your child when they then try to reach out to you. Ultimately though the OP is an adult and ignoring and then excluding her child (even if he's 20 he's still her child) is wrong. A lot of 20 year olds are still immature and I'd hope as a parent you'd still want them in your life.
All that's going to happen is that she's going to lose contact with her eldest and maybe she's okay with that but if not she needs to reach out and start treating him like a son again (rather than someone who sided against her,).

I have two children who respect me.

The end of the marriage didn’t just hurt you, but hurt your children as well. Did he say hurtful things to you? Yes, because he was raw too, and raw people flail and lash out. He needed space to get a grip on his emotions too. He wanted his family, the life and stability he’d always taken for granted as being safe and whole, to remain intact, and probably thought that if you could just forgive his father everything would be okay. He’s emotionally immature, yes, but he’s young and was blindsided.

Your son loves his father, and the relationship she has with him, is an entirely separate one to the relationship you have with your ex. Perhaps he didn’t want to ‘abandon’ his father (what sort of state was your ex in? He could have manipulated your son, or your son may have had genuine cause for concern) and leave him on his own. Was it the case that he wanted to remain in his home too?

Despite what you’ve said about not wanting your children to take sides, you did and do. You give the impression that you saw yourself in competition with your ex for your children, and you didn’t ’win’ with a clean sweep. Your son is now on ‘that’ side, in opposition to you, and so you punish him. If you’re not encouraging the sibling hostility, what are you doing to try and resolve it? Because right now it seems you’re cementing divisions.

‘I’m not your son anymore, mama’ - well done then, I guess. Your message was received. Your ex is to blame for his actions, but you are also responsible for yours, and yours have also inflicted significant damage here. You’ve shown him that he cannot trust the strength of his relationship with you as his parent, or the love that he thought bound you together. You are well on the road to losing him, if you haven’t already. Feel good now? Victorious?

You expect empathy and understanding for yourself, but you’ve extending none to your child.