AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

Your post is assumption and projection.

We don't know what went on beyond what the OP has posted.

I don’t think OP brought him into the wrangling - seems pretty clear to me that he took sides and after listening to his father for a while, decided that his mum was to blame for what his father did, and that as far as he’s concerned she’s not permitted to get on with her life. At 20 he should be able to understand the hurt his mum caused his dad and not come off like something from the manosphere.

His behaviour is most distasteful, and he lacks judgement.

Let him stay with his beloved father.

Goodness.

This is so awfully tragic to read.

Unfortunately, he is a bad apple. Good riddance to him.

If you think “almost narcissistic” is a diagnosis then okay, is it like being almost asthmatic or almost depressed or almost bi polar? I’m literally lmao at this. You should be replying to OP’s post not wading through other people’s opinions and splitting hairs with them. Jeeeez I know it’s hot, maybe you’re almost dehydrated 😂

I agree, a timeline would be helpful (but overall I still think the son was way out of line in the things he said towards his mother).

We don't know the timeline. Did he make the comments before or after his mother and siblings pushed him out. I think that would be interesting.

@Linetree my ex was terrible husband in many ways. Great dad and continues to be

it IS possible to be awful to your spouse while great to DCs and they should never be brought into the wrangling a if their parents relationship ( unless dv)

Probably more about the fact he’s acting like his mother is the one to blame here, not his cheating father.

He needs a reality check and some growing up to do. By 20 he should understand what his father did was devastating, not his mother’s reaction to it.

Agree.I am one of those mothers. My adult son had genuinely the best childhood a child could have yet when he got to the age of 19 he turned against me and since then has told anyone that will listen that he had a traumatic childhood and makes up lies about terrible things I did to him (all lies of course). He once accused me of doing something horrible to him, (which he knew was untrue), but when I denied doing it he said I was gaslighting him! Not seen him in 6 years and although very sad, at least I no longer have to take the abuse from him.

They invited their dad ? And not him ? That’s some messed up shit. Feels like he’s become the scapegoat in all of this.

The OP moved out. The eldest satyed in the family home, This could be to do with not leaving the dad alone, or it could be that he didn't want to leave the pooerty, move away from his freinds, job, social life.

We don't fully know as the OP hasn't said

We also don't know what the father has said the to DS, or if he is manipulating him.
We do know that when the DS has tried to reconcile the OP has rebuffed him.

I don't hold the OP responsible for the exes actions, nor do I hold her responsible for teh DS's, but she should accept that by not acceptting her DS's atempt to close the space that is opening and by not inviting him on the holiday she is continuing to widen the gap.

As for whether the ex is still seeing the affair partner, we don't know as its not been said.

And beofre we start with moral outrage, the OP is most definately punishing the DS for not chosing what she considers to be the "right side".

Of course you’ve expected your children to take sides, and significantly punished the one who picked wrong.

Thank you for acknowledging that you misinterpreted my post and concluded something I definitely did not say.

He stayed behind so his dad wasn’t alone. It isn’t about it taking sides. You are the grown up, disgraceful that the children have had their sibling relationship destroyed.
I would have understood and not allowed the others fall out with him. He stayed in his home.

I think you should have invited him, and I also think it was quite mean of your daughter to leave him out of her graduation.

I wouldn't put up with him saying he won't accept you dating, that needs shutting down asap, you need to tell him that he absolutely cannot dictate that to you and unfortunately his dad's infidelity does not mean that you have to be alone forever.

However, he is your son. He appears to be coping badly with everything that's happened and I don't think you ignoring him or not inviting him on holiday is going to help matters. You need to try and make amends here for your wrongdoing, that doesn't mean that he gets to dictate anything to you but you can't leave one child out in this way.

I meant to say by your children not parents but the system would not let me alter it!

@vhydr

Unfortunately, as much as you’re hurting, it’s not your son’s fault & even though he’s been a bit of a dick, he’s still barely more than a kid & probably feels torn between his parents. You’re the adult here - as hard as it is, you definitely should have included him in a family holiday & made every effort to keep your kids clear of the fallout from your marriage breakup. You say you don’t blame him for staying with his dad but your actions show that you clearly do. From his point of view, he feels like you’ve shunned him & closed ranks with his siblings.

I haven’t invented anything in my head. I got that impression from what you said and the way you said it “My stepdad cheated but my mum was very toxic” reads as though cheating was somehow an acceptable response to her toxicity. I didn’t claim you had said anything, l simply asked the questions, which you have now clarified.

When DS went to live with his dad I don’t think OP expected him to subsequently tell her that she was the one who split up the family, and that he will never accept her dating or finding another partner. Forgive me, but isn’t that what his dad did ? l mean he was still married to OP at the time but he essentially found himself another woman and dated her. So fine for his dad, but not for his mum. OP hasn’t said whether he’s still seeing the affair partner, but if so, that’s off the scale hypocrisy.

I think dad is manipulating DS’s thinking. Possibly there was some element of control in the marriage and ex is trying to further that control via his son. And if that’s what’s happening and DS allows himself to be manipulated because he’s in thrall to his dad, then he only has himself to blame for the deterioration in his relationships with the rest of his family.

You have obviously not been treated like sh1t by any of your parents!

Wow thats a lot of assumptions in one post. Nowhere, I repeat nowhere, have I suggested that cheating was an appropriate response. In context I am simply saying that while he cheated, as an entirely separate thing my mum was toxic. Her behaviour throughout my whole childhood has been far more damaging to me than his cheating was. They are 2 separate things, I havent even said he cheated because she was toxic, he cheated because he was weak!

The OPs son is barely an adult and its very raw, we dont have enough information to say her ex was controlling or is controlling the son. When I split up with my kids dad they said they never wanted me to have a new relationship at the time, but it was a short lived reaction to the immediate situation.

Have a different opinion to me by all means but please dont invent things in your head and claim I have said them.

Your mum may have been toxic but you seem to be saying that your step dad cheating was an appropriate response. It isn’t. Admitting the relationship isn’t working, and leaving is. And no, we don’t know much about the background in OP’s case, except that it was her DH who cheated. Are you implying that she somehow deserved it ?

OP’s son is displaying disturbingly misogynistic behaviour - he’s chosen to live with his dad, is essentially ignoring the fact that his dad cheated, and is now blaming his mum for his dad’s behaviour, and the rest of his family for his own.

He’s stated he won’t tolerate OP dating or finding another partner now she and his dad have split, but he’s fine with a father who essentially did just that, inside his marriage.

I’m also wondering whether there wasn’t a controlling element to OP’s marriage because I find it hard to believe that his dad isn’t manipulating DS’s thinking so that he still has some control over OP through him, in which case it’s DS himself who is jeopardising his relationship with the rest of his family because in the end they will have no choice but to restrict or cut contact.

Because its just one aspect of them, we are all flawed in some way, even you! Mumsnet is full of people saying they messed up and others saying they are not a bad person or bad mum, and its one aspect of their personality. We are human, by definition we are imperfect but that doesnt make us bad all round. He might be a good dad in other ways, and we dont know any if the background here either.

Just because your view is true for you, doesnt mean its true for everyone. My stepdad cheated but my mum.was very toxic. Her behaviour has had a far bigger impact on my life than his. Thats just the way it is

Brilliant response 👍