AIBU to feel cross at online school and autistic daughter over A level results?

BCD is fine, she'll get into a mid range uni.

My son got similar (CCC) due to neurodiversity and thrived at uni working in specialist area. Came out of a high ranking modern uni (think Nottingham Trent, Man Met, Sheffield Hallam type uni) with a first.

A "prestigious" uni heavy on theory and erudition wouldn't have suited him. He needed the more modular, practical approach.

People with disabilities that cause massive capacity fluctuation do not always achieve the score they are best able to get, all the time.

Hi OP

Firstly I think some of the people berating you and saying you will harm your DD's mental health need to simmer down.

You haven't been well served by the school if they led you to believe you'd get the results one way, and it happened another way. That had the potential to really disrupt your DD. It is okay to feel annoyed and deflated at that.

You have clearly done loads to support her. And you'll keep doing that. I can see that from your posts. It's okay to have a mental break from being someone's support and just have "a bit of a moment" away from her. That is what you are doing here and it is okay, and healthy.

It is also okay to have hopes and ambitions for our kids. That's not toxic in itself. It's fine to have moments where you adjust your expectations against reality.

Two things can be true - your DD underachieved against her academic potential AND she did bloody well to get nearly 100 UCAS points, which would allow her to attend a solid post 92 and maybe some redbricks, if she wanted.

If I were you, I'd ask her what she feels. Point out the different options. See where she is at.

What I would say about apprenticeships is, the ones I've been involved with have strict expectations around attendance. The one she is thinking of may be different, but maybe get her to check that out and reflect on her own level of readiness.

How is being scammed if by the OPs own admission her daughter took her foot off the gas and became PDA.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Sounds as if she ought to have withdrawn her DD when, for whatever reason, she could no longer be arsed to study despite stellar mock results.

No one has been scammed.

Exactly, I don't get it, either.
I would be furious if I spent 20k on tuition, were predicted 3As and got these grades. It's like being scammed.

Just to let you now, PDA is actually an English invention and not an internationally recognised condition.
It's sad to see another NEET in the making. But I can see that you did whatever you could with the extra classes and feel for you.
I don't understand why not telling her? She is an adult, not 5. She must have a plan for her future and getting a job and being independent. Is she not aware of the reality of life?

Where has OP stated that they are international A levels? And even if she did surely the results woukd be sent to the person that did the exam if they are over 18. And wouldn't OPs dd be aware of when the results came out.

if you'd RTFT you would have a good idea. It's been mentioned numerous times.
In fact you only had to get to post 6 for the first suggestion so I assume you just read the OP.

And then made a complete fool of yourself!

Can she appeal if she was predicted much better grades? Or if she got too complacent re-sit and work harder. It is harder working on your own without your peers to judge yourself against and to help each other with topics you find difficult. At least she passed so you can celebrate that onward and upward.

Because it has been established multiple times on the thread that she has sat International A-Levels, the results for which came out earlier this week. 😴

Why are you saying "Jesus christ" It is a huge error by the school and they could get in a lot of trouble for it. I am also not sure why the results would be sent to the parents if the child is over 18 That is breaking GPDR too. Not only this but it has apparently caused huge upset. I hope this story is not true.

So your husband opened them?
As soon as he realised what it was he should have closed the envelope and not read any further.
I'm appalled that the school sent the results to a parent (and also very surprised, in all the schools I've worked in, the only circumstances where a parent gets the results is in the awful situation where a young person has died since taking their exams,). But really this is on yoir husband and you, you had the choice to read those results or not.

Jesus Christ.

How have you got the results already? There is an embargo until tomorrow! The school will be in trouble!

We don't know how those predicted grades were arrived at.
Or when they were issued.

But it is well known that 70% of students do not achieve their predicted grades.

It is a ridiculous system, with different educational establishments using totally different methods and approaches. Many schools over-predict. Whether that is to make sure students can apply and get offers from 'higher ranked' unis/courses, or just hoping it gives the impression that the school is doing well, or just poor decisions making, no one really knows.

I'm an ex teacher and I hate the whole thing:
The academic snobbery, the pressure on the young to make life changing decisions at an early age when their brains aren't developed yet, competition among parents....i could go on. Awful.
Dd expects hers tomorrow.

A child is more than their results.

@DeafLeppard They aren’t good grades for someone expecting AAA

They're decent grades for an expected AAA student who by OP's own admission has (for whatever reason) 'taken their foot off the gas' and 'not got into a good routine' or attended college for the last 12 months. They're pretty damned good grades under those circumstances.

It really only matters if the daughter had high expectations of a uni place at a RG Uni, but by the sounds of it that sort of environment doesn't sound like something she can cope with so a moot point really?

I’m shocked you have got this far with so little understanding of the grading and timescales of results. Was she really predicted As as that could be tricky to achieve in a remote setting when motivation could be difficult to maintain in the best of circumstances. What subjects were they? Let her be happy with her grades and move on. An apprenticeship sounds like a positive next step if she can commit to it.

Your daughter is not a failure, she’s struggling with a parent who has expectations of her that are just too much. Her autism and avoidance are not something she can help. Isn’t B something like 75%? That’s a good result. I hope you haven’t told her how disappointed you are as you have spent so much money on her!
My daughter didn’t get her predicted results and went to a University that she wouldn’t have chosen had she had higher A level results. She struggled there and came home, got a job, then went back to a local University when she was 23. She got her degree, then years later went back and got another degree in Early Education, specialising in special needs. When she was 42 and doing her Masters she was diagnosed as Autistic.
Looking back, the thing I am glad about is that when she was crying because of her A level results I cuddled her, asked her if she had done her best. She said yes and I told her that was all I asked.
I think your daughter’s masking and the pressure of exams was just too much for her to cope with. Use your day off to do something lovely with her, and tell her how proud you are, that despite her struggles, she got the results she did.
It really is not the end of the world. Some people need time to mature before further education.Please don’t push her into going to University if she’s not ready.

Your DD has passed 3 A levels, that is a big success. Forget about the grades, she has achieved 3 A levels, and A levels are tough exams. Forget about the money, it's gone, no point even thinking about it.
And you shouldn't be cross with DD, 2 years of A level study is a hard slog, not everyone is cut out for academic work especially in teenage years. Take a deep breath and remind yourself she has passed.

I’d recommend a lovely day looking through course options that are available with 96 ucas points. They’ll be loads. Look forward to to the future with her

As a few posters this morning have highlighted it’s really easy to be unaware of how many young people are not achieving any GCSEs let alone A levels due to the current education system not meeting their needs - so many are EOTAS which can be brilliant but often completely fails them. Mumsnet is a bit of a bubble in this regard at times.

I too work with many of these young people and any student who overcame these sort of challenges and achieved what OP’s daughter did would and should be celebrated and so proud.

It’s incredibly difficult to provide accurate predicted grades for students who engage with most or all of their learning online unless she did proper ‘in person’ mocks at an exam centre to be given those predictions as well as online assessments. I don’t know what school she was at but with the costs you mention can narrow it down. They will have run thorough mocks and have a good sense of her ability from work across the course, but it’s just not the same as doing it in person, even the best and most honest of students do use assistance when not physically supervised which inflates predictions. And yes there is pressure on teachers to estimate very positively. As she was CIE board she can’t have been part of the pilot to sit the final exams fully online so the final ones had to be in person.

It sounds like she just wasn't ready it's not her fault she has a disability 😊 so she didn't get perfect scores who cares she can do it when she's ready it kind of sounds like she took the test for you? It would be horrible of you to get mad at her WTH is wrong with you? Not everyone is academic and that's ok

With my ND son it is just so heartbreaking that he is so intelligent but his anxiety, his inability to focus on the essential part of the task that gets the most marks, his stress and burnout, there are so many things that just make getting a good mark so so difficult, and ironically empty his battery so much.

Its also hard as a parent. To provide structure, support, love, don't leave him unsupported because he will spiral, but don't smother him or tell him what to do. It is bloody exhausting.

Here is Australia we have Schoolies where all the year 12 students go on holiday at the end of the year and drink too much (and goodness knows what). Not sure what it's called in the UK. I think there should be some sort of Schoolies for us parents who are just mentally exhausted.